Angelique

[Tiger the Lion]

Angelique (1st edit: CRNDLSM, Crow, Busker, WJ and Knot)

She passes by 
Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon

always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head 
to the latest beat.

He hears the sound 
of a vacuum in the hall
and succumbs to the peephole
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips

tangoing with a Hoover
to a song he cannot hear. 

Angelique  (orig,)

She passes by 
on Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon

always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head 
to the beat of joy.

He hears the sound 
of a vacuum in the hall
and creeps to the peephole
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips

tangoing with a Hoover
to a song he cannot hear.

[CRNDLSM]

Angelique

She passes by 
on Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon I like the specific time 

always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head 
to the beat of joy. While I have a pretty clear visual, this third line is weak, 

He hears the sound 
of a vacuum in the hall
and creeps to the peephole
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips so I think he's watching angelique, but does she pass by two days a week, or does she vacuum the hall (is she an employee of the co.plex that shares both of them.  And the narcotic swaying seems opposite of joy and bobbing

tangoing with a Hoover
to a song he cannot hear.

I like how the idea is portrayed, just a couple tones that need tweaking I think

[crow]

CRNDLSM is right.

I think keep all this pretty much intact, then double the length or otherwise tell the story more fully.

Right now, it has the barest advantage over boring. Right? It’s one step removed from porn search terms. I want to comment on “tangoing” and ask questions like, is she from Argentina? I want to say, the sound of a vacuum provides enough cover that no one needs to creep, so why is he creeping around?

But that’s not the point.

But I think you want to lens on how a housekeeper dancing is sexy not because of the housekeeper part but because of the hips part.

Give your male observer more identity and see how far you can push it.

[Tiger the Lion]

@CRINDLSM and Crow - some excellent observations. I'd like to keep it as brief as possible, but there are details that might yet fit. I like creep and peep but yes, the noise of the vacuum confuses the creeping. I'll be back. Thanks for the comments.

[busker]

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Angelique

She passes by 
on Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon

always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head 
to the beat of joy.   … do you need ‘of joy’?

He hears the sound 
of a vacuum in the hall
and creeps to the peephole … sounds better to me without the ‘and’
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips … double adjectives are bad 

tangoing with a Hoover … ‘tangoing with a’ sounds awkward. Maybe lose the ‘swaying’ in the previous line and bring it here?

to a song he cannot hear.

Nice one. Bates motel vibes

[Wjames]

Angelique

She passes by 
on Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon 

always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head 
to the beat of joy. 

He hears the sound I like the enjambment, the music again before the vacuum, it kind of merges the images making the vacuum into 'the beat of joy' in this character's head.
of a vacuum in the hall
and creeps to the peephole
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips 

tangoing with a Hoover
to a song he cannot hear. The observor character can't hear 'the beat of joy'. 

I think this one is really good, wouldn't change much. I did think it could be interesting if you cut 'she' from the beginning and sort of have the title be the first word of the poem but that is just style.

I like that the voyeurism and sex are there, it's a compelling image, but I think you can also read it in a non-sexual way. There is a happy person and someone else observing, trying to understand.

[Knot]

Hi Tiger,
I was wondering if you could cut rather than add?
Also, perhaps revisit the title: as it is I want to ask how does the voyeur know her name? "Twenty-second fix" might work?

Did you consider first person?

Given 'fix' 'narcotic' seems a bit redundant.
And, 'bobbing' (given the voyeurs obsession) seems rather weak (and doesn't seem to fit with 'swaying hips' - is Tango the right dance here?


She passes on Tuesdays
and Thursdays, just
after three; always

wearing headphones
and bobbing to the beat
of joy. I wait

at the peephole
for my twenty-second fix
of swaying hips

as she tangoes
with a vacuum
to a song I cannot hear.


Best, Knot

.

[Tiger the Lion]

Trial edit up. Thanks for the input, guys.

[Knot]

Hi Tiger,
I don't think it's there yet, but I still like the idea.


She passes by
Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon .................... you've passes/past (and the latter feels too close to a repetition, why not 'just after three' or similar?)


always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head
to the latest beat. .................. if he cannot hear the song, as you tell us later, how does he know it's the latest beat? Also perhaps end the verse with 'headphones' - it leads more interestingly into he hear I think.

He hears the sound
of a vacuum in the hall
and succumbs to the peephole
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips ............. I don't think this line does enough, maybe something like 'of her anaesthetising hips' or similar?

tangoing with a Hoover .................... does one tango to the latest beat?
to a song he cannot hear.

I don't think there's enough of her (visually) and I'd have thought that, given his obsession, he'd have noticed a bit more than just the hips.

Best, Knot

.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Tiger,
I don't think it's there yet, but I still like the idea.


She passes by
Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon .................... you've passes/past (and the latter feels too close to a repetition, why not 'just after three' or similar?)


always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head
to the latest beat. .................. if he cannot hear the song, as you tell us later, how does he know it's the latest beat? Also perhaps end the verse with 'headphones' - it leads more interestingly into he hear I think.

He hears the sound
of a vacuum in the hall
and succumbs to the peephole
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips ............. I don't think this line does enough, maybe something like 'of her anaesthetising hips' or similar?

tangoing with a Hoover .................... does one tango to the latest beat?
to a song he cannot hear.

I don't think there's enough of her (visually) and I'd have thought that, given his obsession, he'd have noticed a bit more than just the hips.

Best, Knot

.

Thanks, Knot. All good points. Still tinkering.

[Funkeldunks]

I am confused, you express that you can not hear what the subject is listening too yet describe what she is listening too. The latest beat. You identify the tango as the dance. You identify the vacuum the subject is using. I feel that without knowing where the writer is and why he’s viewing at these set times this feels like a stalking fantasy. I’d like to know the connection to the subject. Maybe the emotional drive to “watch” her dance. There’s an opportunity to make this more than a random woman at a rental property.