Cold heart (song lyrics)

[busker]

Cold heart (song lyrics)

A Long long time 
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.

But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.

A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day 
your lips were wine 
and I have nothing more to say

than don’t be a cold heart 
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.

[CRNDLSM]

This reminds me of 30s soft jazz era, in how simple the lyrics present, covered by prairie family folk bands. But the lyrics are also fairly Lou Reed like 'perfect day/ here she comes now'
O you were mine
I think would sound better
When you were mine

And ain't good at the end is kinda cheap, 'isn't good' while cheating the syllables kinda adds a flair

I wonder if you started writing this with literally 'a long long time ago' or if that came later. I'm not sold on it but the enjambment is cute.

Thanks for sharing, would you care if I added unauthorized music?

[busker]

This reminds me of 30s soft jazz era, in how simple the lyrics present, covered by prairie family folk bands.  But the lyrics are also fairly Lou Reed like 'perfect day/ here she comes now' 
O you were mine
I think would sound better
When you were mine

And ain't good at the end is kinda cheap, 'isn't good' while cheating the syllables kinda adds a flair

I wonder if you started writing this with literally 'a long long time ago' or if that came later.  I'm not sold on it but the enjambment is cute.

Thanks for sharing, would you care if I added unauthorized music?

I’ve had this in my head for years, but only the tune. Not most of the lyrics.
It used to go “da dum da da” etc with  “don’t be such a cold heart” the only line with words.

When I sat down to write it now, i just thought up the words that fit the metre of the da-dum in my head

I’ll post the tune some day, or maybe not

Sure, feel free to add your own tune to it

I was curious as to how lyric sans music can be critted, and your post gives me some perspective

[CRNDLSM]

If 'don't be such a cold heart' is the one sung line for years that prompted the rest of this, I would find a way to keep that line as a repeat as is, unless you're happy with the change

[Knot]

Hi Busker.


Is the echo of America Pie ("A long, long time ago I can still remember ...") intentional?
The ambiguity of 'wood' gives me pause. Juvenile, I know.
Out of curiosity, why should 'old heart' be negative?


Best, Knot


.

[crow]

# Busker notes


A long long time
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.

But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.

A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day
your lips were wine
and I have nothing more to say

than don’t be a cold heart
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.

These aren’t lyrics. They’re not even in the ballpark. They’re formatted incorrectly, the structure isn’t even close, and the diction is wrong.

I don’t know where to begin trying to edit this.

Lyrics have a chorus, and this doesn’t. Lyrics tend to benefit from a bridge, and this doesn’t have one. Lyrics are labeled in brackets by part type, like [Verse 1], [Chorus], [Bridge], [Verse 1 Repeated], [Chorus x 2], [Chorus Slowed Down], [Part A], and so on.

Lyrics require titling. Titles facilitate rehearsal. Untitled songs take the first chorus line as their title. This song lacks a chorus, and so it needs a title. You could argue that the first repeated line is a chorus line. In that case, the title is “A Long Long Time”. Perhaps it should be, awkwardly, “A Long Long Time (Ago)”. Here that would look like this:

“A Long Long Time (Ago)”

[Verse 1, A]
A long long time
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.

[Verse 2, A]
But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.

[Verse 1, B]
A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day
your lips were wine
and I have nothing more to say

[Verse 2, B]
than don’t be a cold heart
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.

So far as syntax, I recommend starting each line with a capital letter. It will require the composer to reformat eventually, but that way they can track your line breaks when they put it into a composition document.

On diction, I’d say, the exclamatory “O” is bad. Use the mild exclamatory, “Oh,”.

Similarly, but more importantly, remember that you’re not the only performer of lyrics. Even if you’re the author, composer, singer and musician, the point of lyrics is that the audience gets to sing along.

And since you’re posting it for crit, the readers on PigPen are a quasi-performer.

With that in mind, edit everything to be more idiomatic. For instance, change “But now you’re a cold heart” to the more idiomatic “But now you’re cold-hearted.”

I’d say, broadly, given the length of this, I would suggest opening with the chorus. Keep it simple with half’s and wholes. Then add more words to the verse. Maybe spicier ones.

I know these are all technical notes with no bearing on the meaning, but the meaning from lyrics emerges from structure.

In general, authors opinions on what their text means become irrelevant once the text is published. With lyrics, the publication to the composer is the first crucial moment. If you correct the composers understanding after they’ve attached a melody to the text, you risk winding their genius.

So, best practice is to eliminate ambiguity before meeting with a composer. Here, I’ll spotlight a potential pitfall.

“O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.”

With the O as written, this line might mean you had sex in every position, in every hole, in every room in the house. It wouldn’t be weird for the composer to think this is an intense idea, perhaps most appropriately treated in the heavy metal genre.

If that’s what you want, rewrite the rest. If it’s not, prefer something less easy to misconstrue.

If I got into practical lyrics theory, I’d tell you that this song sounds like a rape confession. I don’t want to have to write a whole book chapter to show you this, so I’ll just say, imagine a cover band singing this to your daughter?

This interpretation isn’t helped by the line, “Your lips were like wine / and I have nothing more to say”.

Yuck.
———————
Now, this edit helps no one and I wish I hadn’t agreed to do it. Busker, I apologize for these notes. It would’ve been much more helpful to suggest that you add a chorus and reformat, but I’m trying to demonstrate some brute features of lyrics.

Features, by the way, that I don’t understand. That no one understands.

---

Apologies, it seems like you did title the song, “cold heart.”

[busker]

I’m going to deviate from the rules of “Basic” and try to refute the crit here, as this is a test post 
This is my recording of the song on my phone from about half an hour ago: https://on.soundcloud.com/fff3cKUcFePrzddt5

Apart from the feedback on how to format it, I don’t see anything in your post (crow) that explains why the lyrics aren't lyrics.
The link is to the song with the lyrics in my post and so by definition my post had song lyrics 

You made the point that any lyrics being posted on the Pen are for the reader to use as he deems fit, and therefore has to be capable of being interpreted by a wide variety of people. I don't think the vast majority of song lyrics work this way. Song lyrics are written with a certain tune in mind, or are made to fit a tune that the composer has got in his head. Very rarely is the text written first. In opera, that is the case - the text comes first. Likewise, when a composer chooses a particular poem to set to music, it is a different story - Schubert and Heine, for instance. 

But in all those cases, the text stands alone, apart from the music. That is not the case with the vast majority of 'pop' lyrics, which are - frankly - crap as stand alone poems, even the best of them.

Lyrics of the first kind - the ones that stand alone - should be critiqued like any other poem. 

Lyrics of the second kind - the pop song variety - can't be critiqued separately from the song.

[CRNDLSM]

(Redownloaded SoundCloud for this gem) I was close on the melody in my head but your singing gives me Elvis presley 'blue moon' vibes as opposed to any of the other cover versions of the same song

[Knot]

Hi Crow.

Lyrics have a chorus,
Beg to differ.
https://genius.com/Squeeze-up-the-junction-lyrics

Hi busker,

Song lyrics are written with a certain tune in mind,
Bernie Taupin, amongst others, might disagree.

Lyrics of the first kind / Lyrics of the second kind
I take your point, but how can one distinguish between the two (when a lyric is posted on the board?)


Best, Knot


.

[crow]

knot,

This is exactly what will happen in a lyrics subforum. If I were to start talking about whether or not lyrics have choruses, it’d derail the feedback.

Do lyrics require choruses?

I don’t know.

I’ve written lots of songs without them. I’ve never asked myself if I should edit them to include a chorus.

I really don’t know.

If you ask career musicians what songs need a bridge and which ones need a chorus, they’ll say, “all of them.”

I don’t know.

Which Sonnets *require* a turn? Is it valid to crit a sonnet for lacking a turn?

What does a chorus do?

I don’t know.

Right now, most of what I think is squish.

[busker]

Song lyrics are written with a certain tune in mind,
Bernie Taupin, amongst others, might disagree.

and nobody would know the first thing about Bernie Taupin if it weren't for Elton John. 
Elton John, OTOH, could sing the lyrics of 'God Save the King' and make a big deal out of it.
A lyric without a song is just any ordinary poem.

See my point about Schubert and Heine.
You can set ANY poem or piece of prose to music.
From wordy Gilbert and Sullivan and Noel Coward to grunty Aerosmith.

EDIT - actually, with singer-songwriters, the words are made to fit the tune. With singer + songwriter partnerships, the words and the tune are developed independently, or with the words coming first. During the creative process, the composer thinks of a tune sans words. That's how I understand these things work for the most part.

Lyrics of the first kind / Lyrics of the second kind
I take your point, but how can one distinguish between the two (when a lyric is posted on the board?)

You can't. You can only crit a lyric sans the music as a poem, and it would be subject to the same set of rules as a poem.
Under those rules, Shelley's Mutability will be a fine piece of craftsmanship, but Mcartney's rhyming 'Oh no, Oh noooo' with 'I say go go go' will be seen as desperation.

With the music, everything changes. 
Pedestrian lyrics will do well enough with the right music. Witness 'Like a rolling stone'.

There's one more thing: the English language is not the best suited for songs. It doesn't have the 'roll' of other, more poetic languages.
It is very well suited for contemplative prose and poetry without music.

[crow]

# Cold heart

Busker—I’m so sorry for that critique. I was trying to demo a variety of lyrics concerns, and not to help you. I know that’s a cardinal foul, pardon the pun, and please pardon me, as well.

Here’s the critique I have to give, given that we don’t have a good way to go about critique.

Reformat as follows:


Cold heart

[Verse A]
A long long time
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.

But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.

[Verse B]
A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day
your lips were wine
and I have nothing more to say

than don’t be a cold heart
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.

I tend to think that when the verses share lots of words, tag them
A and B. When they lack resemblance, 1 and 2 is better.

Songs may or may not require choruses generally, but this one needs a chorus. Try, some common lines like “let’s dance,” “don’t stop the music,” “because you’re lying,” “I can’t stop loving you,” “I can’t stop crying” etc. Then edit them to fit and add more to complete the chorus.