Departures

[Miley]

Today
    my skin
    accepts
    the pollen
      alone amongst
       smells of returning
         home  stickily humid
         spunk of grass           
         greedy and green and damp and furled
         everything
     I've been given

 On the other side
of the planet
those frail leaf-lace things
everything
    I've given you
the transformed browns and violets
so out of place
in airport terminals
with ceilings like palaces
somehow emptier
than sky

[Wjames]

Today
    my skin
    accepts 
    the pollen
      alone amongst
       smells of returning
         home  stickily humid
         spunk of grass  Made me chuckle, and it works in the image and with pollen.           
         greedy and green and damp and furled I love furled.
         everything
     I've been given This is a clear statement in images - there are so many beautiful things, but all there is in the moment is the bad. At least that's how I read it, with pollen implying some allergy.

 On the other side
of the planet
those frail leaf-lace things Works well with the spunk above.
everything This 'everything' is a bit awkward reading in this stanza to me, but I see it plays with the previous. I think it might be better if you cut 'things' above, and make 'everything', 'everythings'.
    I've given you
the transformed browns and violets
so out of place I think you could make this line better. i.e 'colouring the grey' but something better than that.
in airport terminals
with ceilings like palaces
somehow emptier I don't know if you need somehow.
than sky

Hey Miley, just my thoughts after a few reads. I liked it alot.

[flotsson]

Today
    my skin
    accepts
    the pollen
      alone amongst
       smells of returning
         home  stickily humid The double space here may be intentional in order to divide two ideas, but consider a line brake or a change of indentation to keep with the formatting of the rest of the poem. More, to my ear, stickily sounds a bit awkward as well as a bit of a cliche. 
         spunk of grass
         greedy and green and damp and furled I'm not sure what the referent of this symbol is, but the imagery is palpable.
         everything
     I've been given
Regarding the first stanza as a whole, there are a lot of repeated "s" sounds until line 8 contributing to a slight feeling of unease, to my ear. I enjoy the formatting of the lines, almost as if one is rambling through a field.
 On the other side
of the planet
those frail leaf-lace things I could just be bad at reading, but I'm not sure what this line refers to. You might consider using a more evocative term than "things"
everything
    I've given you To my taste, I disagree with the previous critique, the everything here mirrors well the last two lines of the first stanza, which connects the two stanzas beautifully; the formatting of the two stanzas, the language and the length of the lines create such a strong juxtaposition, I feel that if you didn't keep these two lines --as well, the two in the previous stanza-- there would be little to cohere the poem.
the transformed browns and violets
so out of place
in airport terminals
with ceilings like palaces
somehow emptier
than sky

I may just be bad at reading this poem, but the figurative language feels really personal, and it's hard for me to find anything to grab onto. My reading is further frustrated by the terse lines without punctuation, which adds no small amount of ambiguity. That being said, the poem reads to me as having an overpowering nostalgic melancholy that resonates with me deeply; I find this piece to be quite emotionally compelling.

[Miley]

Thank you for the replies Wjames and Flotsson.

I agree with all the suggested edits I believe! Even where you "disagree"

I think yes it is personal flotsson and I am always trying to hide when i can.. def not an error on your reading lol. I'm glad it was able to register on some level anyway.

Thanks for reading/commenting

[jonvandalen]

Today
    my skin
    accepts
    the pollen love these lines
      alone amongst
       smells of returning
         home  stickily humid
         spunk of grass for me this is a bit out of place
         greedy and green and damp and furled as I read this line I wonder what’s greedy?
         everything
     I've been given I wasn’t able to connect this line to what’s above furled-everything



 On the other side
of the planet
those frail leaf-lace things
everything
    I've given you here again I have trouble connecting flow of things-everything
the transformed browns and violets
so out of place
in airport terminals
with ceilings like palaces
somehow emptier
than sky this is so nice and communicates lonely melancholy

Overall this feels close to home somehow, but a little bit of a different structure or visual arrangement with longer lines would help me for reading. The notes above highlight some specifics.

[crow]

I didn’t realize how closely my thoughts were to the other commenters here until I read them. 

So instead of repeating them, I’ll say, All poems want to be sonnets, and this one really does. And all poets wish to be understood without having to write a sonnet, and you seem to.

Pick one. Express the fuck out of yourself without subtlety or write a sonnet with a proper turn.

Here, you have clever diction choices that let me know you’re a dyed-in-the-wool true poet, like smells instead of scents, spunk of grass, frail leaf-lace things. 

I think do both. Have two poems.

Make this a proper iambic pentameter sonnet until you’re exhausted, and then make a deeply personal free verse e.e. cummings Walt Whitman Alan Ginsberg highly controlled thing. 

Just do both. And post the two revisions together. 

With that said, this is great. You need to want it to be perfect for the sonnet, and then the free verse needs to “sound right.”

Maybe it’s just perfect as is. 

This is excellent work.