what ghosts feel like

[crow]

“what ghosts feel like”

You will in time
forgive my saying this
and thankful for forgiveness I
will begin again
to try to
say I love you

and you will forget
everything I said
without exception.

I never thought
in all my life
that I would know what ghosts feel like.

[Miley]

“what ghosts feel like”

You will in time
forgive my saying this
and thankful for forgiveness I
will begin again
to try to
say I love you

and you will forget
everything I said
without exception.

I never thought
in all my life
that I would know what ghosts feel like.

I really dig the last line/title of this poem, to feel the immaterial to feel absence! ha...  Otherwise Its def a poem that gravitates more towards telling as opposed to showing, though there is something tender (too tender?) in the way its expressed. Its also v succinct and I'm not much could be cut without changing the meaning? I tried cutting it up some below, not better or anything, just trying 2 find the essential!


You will forgive
my saying this

thankful for forgiveness
I begin again
to try to say
I love you

you will forget
everything without 
exception.

I never thought
in all my life
I would know what ghosts feel like.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi crow-
some in-line comments:

You will in time
forgive my saying this
and

thankful for forgiveness Maybe just pick it up at 'thankful'. Not sure of breaking the line on 'I'- seems arbitrary.
I will begin again
to try to say I love you Maybe bring this line up, and have a poem that is three tercets. ??

and hope you will sounds a bit too definite. Perhaps 'hope you will forget'
forget everything I said Drop 'forget' down to the next line. ?
without exception.

I never thought
in all my life that I would know Let 'what ghosts feel like' have its own line. ?
what ghosts feel like. I really like this ending because it's so unexpected, and hard to pin down. Yet I somehow understand what you're syaing.

[crow]

Miley and Mark, you’re absolutely brilliant. Between the two of you, you’ve recommended that I rewrite this poem as a triolet.

Leanne would love you. I’ll do my best.