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Joined: Jan 2013
Words of pineapple affirmation pizza
are red flags to those who love puns.
Coffee in small bookstore
bikini in Ibiza
street scene in stiletto.
It’s playoffs and the bar
is buddies cheering rabid
laughter red light.
Shirtless in the mirror
balding baseball cap
puppies and ice cream.
Catch a fish in canoe and red flannel,
enjoy the tension and release.
Posts: 894
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Joined: Jan 2021
(05-11-2024, 04:21 PM)Wjames Wrote: Words of pineapple affirmation pizza
are red flags to those who love puns.
Coffee in small bookstore
bikini in Ibiza
street scene in stiletto.
The team is in the playoffs
and I am cheering in a bar
with two buddies.
Catch a fish in canoe and red flannel,
enjoy the tension and release.
Hi WJ,
Marvellous series of images, though for me personally, the third stanza breaks the spell, bringing "I" into the poem, along with a mundane setting. If that were deleted, or rewritten in the style of the other stanzas, I think it would be a better poem.
TqB
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks Tranquil, you're right about that one, I made a change and added a bit, not sure about the new stuff.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(05-11-2024, 04:21 PM)Wjames Wrote: Words of pineapple affirmation pizza
are red flags to those who love puns.
Coffee in small bookstore
bikini in Ibiza
street scene in stiletto.
It’s playoffs and the bar "The playoffs, the bar" (so you can dispense with "is" in next line)?
is buddies cheering rabid
laughter red light.
Shirtless in the mirror
balding baseball cap
puppies and ice cream.
Catch a fish in canoe and red flannel,
enjoy the tension and release.
I like the revised third stanza, a big improvement. In that next stanza, "puppies and ice cream" is a little too sweet. "dogs and ice cream"? One other note above.
What makes the poem work for me is the unexpectedness of each stanza, the lack of any attempt to artificially link them together. Refreshing. Final stanza does bring it to a satisfying end.
TqB
Posts: 16
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Joined: Oct 2023
(05-11-2024, 04:21 PM)Wjames Wrote: Words of pineapple affirmation pizza
are red flags to those who love puns.
Coffee in small bookstore
bikini in Ibiza
street scene in stiletto.
It’s playoffs and the bar Playoffs in the bar (similar in structure to "Coffee in small bookstore", and a consistency of using "in" throughout the poem)
is buddies cheering rabid buddies cheering rabid
laughter red light. I don't understand what this means or symbolizes ... perhaps others do.
Shirtless in the mirror
balding baseball cap
puppies and ice cream. Red meat and red wine ... or some combination of food and drink. (Feeding off tranq's comment about too cute, I thought of this or something like it.)
Catch a fish in canoe and red flannel, Catch fish in a canoe and red flannel (nobody strives to catch "a fish", and it just flows better IMO, and I like "a" before canoe.
enjoy the tension and release.
I do like it a lot. Just some minor suggestions that flow somewhat with what others have mentioned, and keeps with the general minimalist style. Take them as you will, or ignore them of course.
