Run on

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey guys. This little segment is a snippet from a much larger project. I was playing with it earlier and had a couple questions for you guys. Not looking for crit so much as perspective. While I was toying with this section I realized I'd written one veeeeery long sentence. (not including the God love him). 

My question is, as a reader I feel like it's way too much to naturally breathe through, but as a writer I feel like that's part of my voice. I was just hoping for some first impressions because I'm sure it will help with the direction of the larger project. 

Thanks for your time. 

(excerpt from "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast")

Dad was a sentimental sap;
a Teddy Bear                                                   God, love him.
posing as a Teddy Boy
till you tuned the radio
to some sad love song
and his cotton stuffing would
           breach the seams
like a Scarecrow ripped apart
by flying monkeys.

[Wjames]

Hey guys. This little segment is a snippet from a much larger project. I was playing with it earlier and had a couple questions for you guys. Not looking for crit so much as perspective. While I was toying with this section I realized I'd written one veeeeery long sentence. (not including the God love him). 

My question is, as a reader I feel like it's way too much to naturally breathe through, but as a writer I feel like that's part of my voice. I was just hoping for some first impressions because I'm sure it will help with the direction of the larger project. 

Thanks for your time. 

(excerpt from "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast")

Dad was a sentimental sap;
a Teddy Bear                                                   God, love him.
posing as a Teddy Boy
till you tuned the radio
to some sad love song
and his cotton stuffing would
           breach the seams
like a Scarecrow ripped apart
by flying monkeys.

I like a long sentence. When I was in school, I remember a teacher saying a sentence is one complete thought. I think that's a good general rule for when to use a period.

In the poem I wrote for random prompt 14, the first sentence has 34 words (this sentence has 39 words not including "God, love him." which is an interesting device).

I think this sentence is one complete thought, I can read it naturally and there's no filler. I might have a problem with run on sentences when there's filler words that don't add anything, or when it has multiple different threads that would make more sense separated - this is one image (although sort of a collage).

The one thing people may have against long sentences is it may be difficult to read aloud in one breathe - I think this is irrelevant for poetry, line breaks provide a natural pause for a reader to catch their breath.

[busker]

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Hey guys. This little segment is a snippet from a much larger project. I was playing with it earlier and had a couple questions for you guys. Not looking for crit so much as perspective. While I was toying with this section I realized I'd written one veeeeery long sentence. (not including the God love him). 

My question is, as a reader I feel like it's way too much to naturally breathe through, but as a writer I feel like that's part of my voice. I was just hoping for some first impressions because I'm sure it will help with the direction of the larger project. 

Thanks for your time. 

(excerpt from "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast")

Dad was a sentimental sap;
a Teddy Bear                                                   God, love him.
posing as a Teddy Boy
till you tuned the radio
to some sad love song
and his cotton stuffing would
           breach the seams
like a Scarecrow ripped apart
by flying monkeys.

It’s the last two lines that tip the scale for me.
Should be a single line or no line at all

[TranquillityBase]

Hey guys. This little segment is a snippet from a much larger project. I was playing with it earlier and had a couple questions for you guys. Not looking for crit so much as perspective. While I was toying with this section I realized I'd written one veeeeery long sentence. (not including the God love him). 

My question is, as a reader I feel like it's way too much to naturally breathe through, but as a writer I feel like that's part of my voice. I was just hoping for some first impressions because I'm sure it will help with the direction of the larger project. 

Thanks for your time. 

(excerpt from "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast")

Dad was a sentimental sap;
a Teddy Bear                                                   God, love him.
posing as a Teddy Boy
till you tuned the radio
to some sad love song
and his cotton stuffing would
           breach the seams
like a Scarecrow ripped apart
by flying monkeys.

It doesn't seem like a particularly long sentence to me.  I can see making it two sentences, with a period after "love song" and a new sentence with "his cotton stuffing..." but I prefer it as one sentence when I read it aloud.

[brynmawr1]

I'll just add my 2 cents.  I don't mind or even notice it as a run on sentence.  I'm not sure there is really such a thing in poetry given how it is written.  As Wjames pointed out, the line breaks provide enough pauses, though subliminal, to remove any tedium.  Also, the fact that poems are often written without any punctuation to good effect makes the concern about something as prosaic as a run-on sentence moot.

[Tiger the Lion]

Just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to share their thoughts on this.
My takeaway is that the length of phrasing is less of an issue than guarding against indulgence.

[rowens]

Do you know how to make a prose sentence go forty pages, like Faulkner?



When I was in Summer's class: I got great grades every day, until we took a long-sentence class, and I put a semicolin in a sentence during a test.


Summer would always say: You're so smart; until she saw that grade of that -- where I had broken one sentence on that test, up.


I argued that I broke the sentence up, via context, and Summer, copying off my paper was part of it.

That didn't jibe with the English professor, of 2017.

. . . I'm a poet. I can use language and punctuation however the fuck I artfully choose.


She and Summer disagreed.
Well, the professor did,
Summer blamed me.

---

and, Summer, copying off . . .

[Tiger the Lion]

Do you know how to make a prose sentence go forty pages, like Faulkner?



When I was in Summer's class: I got great grades every day, until we took a long-sentence class, and I put a semicolin in a sentence during a test.


Summer would always say: You're so smart; until she saw that grade of that -- where I had broken one sentence on that test, up.


I argued that I broke the sentence up, via context, and Summer, copying off my paper was part of it.

That didn't jibe with the English professor, of 2017.

. . . I'm a poet. I can use language and punctuation however the fuck I artfully choose.

Yes. I 100% agree. But artistic licence can be a gateway drug to indulgence. I think that's what I am trying to guard against, not just in this snippet but with writing in general. No use pushing the envelope all the way into the abyss. 

She and Summer disagreed.
Well, the professor did,
Summer blamed me.

---

and, Summer, copying off . . .

[rowens]

I always push indulgence.

Hey, buddy, I'm going to start writing poetry again. I'll be playing these games.

I plan on writing a strictly measured poetry book.

---

You cross the abyss, where there are no rules. Then, get real strict with traditional allusions and meter.

There's that whole world of poetry to be a part of.