Between Shifts; Coffee, Cigarettes, and Parking Lots

[NadCloutier]

the parking lot muse
of neon signs
frigid butterflies
stapled
to concrete sky
with a black tongue of night
of bitter lips
sucked down to its hips
how it keeps the hours
worn so thin
wearing down
the excess ghosts
camel cigarettes
still haunted by the smoke

parking lot you were never more
than an empty page
never more than words without meaning
as you are
as I feel
full of cars
without passengers

[billy]

some thoughts in body of poem nad.

the parking lot muse ............ is muse needed, for me it feels too dancy.
of neon signs
frigid butterflies
stapled
to concrete sky.....like these lines specially "frigid butterflies"
with a black tongue of night
of bitter lips
sucked down to its hips........these 3 lines for me need sorting out a bit better. i thinks it's the two of's maybe and bitter lips. then an empty line.

how it keeps the hours
worn so thin
wearing down
the excess ghosts
camel cigarettes
still haunted by the smoke. would reversing these two lines and putting of before camel help with the clarity?

parking lot you were never more. for me this lines loses the poem points. would a simple "the parking lot never more" or even
"the parking lot"
"never more" ....just examples.

than an empty page
never more than words without meaning
as you are
as I feel
full of cars
without passengers

on the whole i like it. i think it need tightening up. at present it feels a little forced. (the word muse always has that effect on me in a poem) though it could just be me. remember it's just my take on the poem.

i'm going to presume the coffee in the title is the coffee break in which the author is portraying the poem. if not, a line with a simile coffee break would tie it and the title together a little better.

thanks for the poem Nad.

[NadCloutier]

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and your honest feedback. I feel that your concerns, and suggestions will most definitely help me shape this draft into a gem. I work in the restaurant business, and sometimes take 2 - hour breaks. So I buy some coffee, and sit in my car. Oddly enough, that's where I get most of my writing done. Was the coffee concept too vague? "Bitter lips sucked down to its hips" I almost feel that the title lends itself more like a map to the concept. Without it I do believe the reader will feel somewhat lost.

[srijantje]

i liked the second part a lot,i cannot give critique since i don't know anything about poetry

[billy]

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and your honest feedback. I feel that your concerns, and suggestions will most definitely help me shape this draft into a gem. I work in the restaurant business, and sometimes take 2 - hour breaks. So I buy some coffee, and sit in my car. Oddly enough, that's where I get most of my writing done. Was the coffee concept too vague? "Bitter lips sucked down to its hips" I almost feel that the title lends itself more like a map to the concept. Without it I do believe the reader will feel somewhat lost.

for me bitter lips sucked down to it's hips has more of a sexual feeling, as though the night is fucking everything.

that said i take coffee with lots of sugar so i don't equate it with being bitter which i know it is. so it could just be a me thing.

this is why the writer should always have the last say. as a reader we'll all see different things. when or f we're lucky enough to have the readers all see the same thing then we succeed. when all the readers see something different we still succeed. only when too many readers feel something is off do we need to think if we've conveyed what we think in a way that needs changing. personally i'd leave that part in. use you're own judgment about it.

[addy]

Great poem Nad. Loved the last lines of it ("as you are... as I feel...", just love the cadence)

Billy already gave a pretty solid critique; I agree that its better if you don't personify the parking lot. Another thing i would suggest is an alteration to one of these two lines in the first stanza:

how it keeps the hours
worn so thin
wearing down
the excess ghosts

Putting "worn" and "wearing down" so close together seems repetitive, so you could try changing it up.