A New Wrinkle (edit4)

[dukealien]

A New Wrinkle


I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold
(so few discarded decades since my birth)
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

edit3;

I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
so few discarded decades since my birth–
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

edit2;

I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
so few fast-burning decades since my birth–
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

edit1;

I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
at odds with my known occidental birth–
surprised me just this morning.  Shall I rage
embittered at this sign of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

original version;

I wear the deeply shadowed eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
at odds with my known occidental birth–
surprised me just this morning.  Shall I rage
against this silent sign of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

[TranquillityBase]

A New Wrinkle


I wear the deeply shadowed eyes of age:         Since "shadow" is part of the climax, maybe different description here
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
at odds with my known occidental birth–
surprised me just this morning.  Shall I rage
against this silent sign of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

A topic after my own heart.  Quite fine.  I'm of two minds about "rage/against".  Some what overused and overpresent in our minds as a result, so I think in the end a different word choice might be a good idea.

Absolutely love the last line down to the fine "shadow's-worth".

TqB

[Tiger the Lion]

Really enjoyed this. Just wanted to jump in and confirm that "rage against" is a hurdle for me too. Only slightly less than "take up arms against" might distract. Luckily, "rage" is not irreplaceable. Lots of potential tweaks. I won't make a specific suggestion, but can think of a few that might work well.

Edit: the title is wonderful. both literal and metaphorical. the deconstruction of a common phrase

[dukealien]

edit;


I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
at odds with my known occidental birth–
surprised me just this morning.  Shall I rage
embittered at this sign of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

---

Thanks to both critics.  After cycling through four or five alternatives to "rage," I decided the cliche was in "rage against" rather than "rage" itself.  I do not, after all

repeat it   although there are definite echoes of Dylan Thomas with, perhaps, an alternative offered.

[Knot]

Hi duke,
like the title, beginning and end (changing 'shadowed' to 'shaded' is a nice touch) but the middle seems ... well, confusing (to me.)
'rage' seems to be (initially) a(n over) reaction to a perceived 'oriental' feature (in contrast to 'occidental birth') and I can't see why that would matter, especially if it is simply simply a 'sign of growing old'.
Any way to cut those two lines and, instead, hint at what N's answer to their own question might be?

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

Not to gang up, but I'm going to second Knot; "rage" does seem an overreaction.   "Embittered" is the right direction, if it could also be softened more toward a sigh.

TqB

[dukealien]

edit2;


I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
so few fast-burning decades since my birth–
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

---

No, not ganging-up at all... opportunity to quadrangulate!  Thanks again to all critics.

Tried, but can't give up the rage - perhaps as modified noun rather than naked verb?

The business about the non-Oriental epicanthic fold popped into my head when I first noticed the new crease, but agreed, it's unnecessary and confusing.

[TranquillityBase]

edit2;


I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
so few fast-burning decades since my birth–
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

  "weary rage" hits the right note, as do the other edits.  I'm not sure about "fast-burning decades".  Just an uneasy feeling that it's too close to "burning candle at both ends" and similar references.  Maybe something more neutral to modify decades?

[dukealien]

edit3;


I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
so few discarded decades since my birth–
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

---

Yes, you found the off-key spot!  So weary resignation instead?

[Knot]

Hi duke,
it still seems to falter in the same places (even though it reads better.)

What's 'weary rage' and how is it that different from 'embittered'?
I keep thinking there's a place for shall I close my eyes in there somewhere.

Also, 'decades' - I don't think it's helping the piece. Not a suggested replacement, rather a nudge to look in a different direction (and elaborate on the fold/image of the fold)
a noose that has been tightening since my birth–


Best, Knot


.

[TranquillityBase]

edit3;


I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold–
so few discarded decades since my birth–
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

---

Yes, you found the off-key spot!  So weary resignation instead?

I like "discarded decades".  "resignation" probably doesn't need "weary" if you're going to drop "rage".

One other thing that's kind of bothered me from the first (but not enough until now to make me mention it) is those dashes.  I'd like to see a more direct detachment of that third line.  I keep overlooking the dash as I read it aloud in my head and end up with "since my birth surprised me".

I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold
(so few discarded decades since my birth)
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

[dukealien]

edit3;


I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold
(so few discarded decades since my birth)
surprised me.  Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?

---

For the record, I don't quite agree with the critique in this case:  to me (personally) the dashes indicate a sideline still connected by some logic to the outer sentence while parentheses set the included text off as a more unrelated idea.  I don't have any difficulty stopping at the dash, and the idea is that I'm surprised  - after the phrase - because it's been so few decades... why are my eyelids drooping already?

But that's me, and I know what's coming as the reader does not.  And anyway, what's the point of asking for critique only to ignore it?  So the suggestion is implemented.  It still does about the same job... but, then, I know what's coming   .  Commas would almost work, but not well.

[busker]

Coming late to this poem, the original's

at odds with my known occidental birth–

reads better IMO than

so few discarded decades since my birth

though this line remains the weakest one in the pome, which is otherwise quite good