Sijo

[brynmawr1]

A friend of mine turned me on to sijo poems recently.  I wasn't familiar with this form, which I learned is sort of a Korean long form haiku.  He challenged me to write one for a contest which it turned out I couldn't enter cause I am not a Wisconsin resident, which is ironic since most of my and my wife's immediate and extended family are from Wisconsin.

Their shoulders curved under a growing burden made ghosts 
by the murk of falling snow.  Headstones stand stalwart, row upon row.
Eyes water red in the cold asking too much of their dead.

https://sejongculturalsociety.org/writin..._guide.php

[TranquillityBase]

Their shoulders curved under a growing burden made ghosts 
by the murk of falling snow.  Headstones stand stalwart, row upon row.
Eyes water red in the cold asking too much of their dead.

Thanks for sharing this new form.

What stands out for me, just on a personal note, is that this is probably the darkest poem you've ever posted.  But it works for me.  The "burden" sets up a mystery that the rest of the poem completes.

I guess my only suggestion is perhaps a different word choice than "stalwart" in describing the headstones, although it contrasts nicely with the curved shoulders.  

I read your addendum about the form.  Curious if your version is mainly based on a syllable count?

TqB

[brynmawr1]

[/quote]

Thanks for sharing this new form.

What stands out for me, just on a personal note, is that this is probably the darkest poem you've ever posted.  But it works for me.  The "burden" sets up a mystery that the rest of the poem completes.

I guess my only suggestion is perhaps a different word choice than "stalwart" in describing the headstones, although it contrasts nicely with the curved shoulders.  

I read your addendum about the form.  Curious if your version is mainly based on a syllable count?

TqB
[/quote]

Hi again,
Yeah, I have never liked 'stalwart' either but my mind just goes blank when I try to come up with an alternative.  I got the idea driving past a cemetery while it was snowing (not today) I was worried it is overly dark to the point of making it trite.

Curious if your version is mainly based on a syllable count?  not sure I entirely understand what you are asking.  The form calls for certain syllable guidelines but I admit to being a little lazy and haven't counted syllables per line, though I did try to have groups of syllable phrases.

Thanks for commenting,
Bryn

[TranquillityBase]

Curious if your version is mainly based on a syllable count?  not sure I entirely understand what you are asking.  The form calls for certain syllable guidelines but I admit to being a little lazy and haven't counted syllables per line, though I did try to have groups of syllable phrases.

I guess I'm a bit mystified by the concept of "syllable phrases"....but I'm a dim bulb when it comes to form, too much like mathematics.  That's where my mind goes blank.  I'll reread the sijo stuff.

Nothing trite about the poem.  As to "stalwart", what about "apart"?     Also maybe "the" dead instead of "their".  So much fun tinkering when it's not your poem, right?

[brynmawr1]

Curious if your version is mainly based on a syllable count?  not sure I entirely understand what you are asking.  The form calls for certain syllable guidelines but I admit to being a little lazy and haven't counted syllables per line, though I did try to have groups of syllable phrases.

I guess I'm a bit mystified by the concept of "syllable phrases"....but I'm a dim bulb when it comes to form, too much like mathematics.  That's where my mind goes blank.  I'll reread the sijo stuff.

Nothing trite about the poem.  As to "stalwart", what about "apart"?     Also maybe "the" dead instead of "their".  So much fun tinkering when it's not your poem, right?

sorry.  syllable phrases is my language.  Sijo poems are supposed to be written in blocks of syllables that amount to phrases, i think for lyrical purposes.  Each line is made up of 4 or so phrases or word groups with each line meant to have 14-16 syllables, though in english the lines can be broken up into two phrases per line.  It is better explained in the link I posted.  Seems like these are more guidelines and may be adjusted within reason as the poem dictates.

Funny, you picked out the two words I wrangled with the most.  I like the connotation of 'apart' but was leaning toward something more anthropomorphic.  How about 'stand witness'?

[TranquillityBase]

Funny, you picked out the two words I wrangled with the most.  I like the connotation of 'apart' but was leaning toward something more anthropomorphic.  How about 'stand witness'?

I think you got something there ("witness" I mean).  Give you an added suject rhyme in the last line too.

Will be curious how you land on the vs their.

[brynmawr1]

Funny, you picked out the two words I wrangled with the most.  I like the connotation of 'apart' but was leaning toward something more anthropomorphic.  How about 'stand witness'?

I think you got something there ("witness" I mean).  Give you an added suject rhyme in the last line too.

Will be curious how you land on the vs their.

Thanks for your continued interest.  I like 'witness' but later it occurred to me that it might give away the twist too early.  Part of what makes it work(for me) is the ambiguity between people vs the headstones until the last line.  At least that is my objective.   thoughts?  Maybe 'apart' is the better choice.

In the end I found 'the' too generic to let the reader know this is a gravesite of loved ones.

[TranquillityBase]

 I like 'witness' but later it occurred to me that it might give away the twist too early.  Part of what makes it work(for me) is the ambiguity between people vs the headstones until the last line.  At least that is my objective.   thoughts?  Maybe 'apart' is the better choice.

In the end I found 'the' too generic to let the reader know this is a gravesite of loved ones.

Thinking and reading the poem this morning, with the above remarks in mind, I came up with:

Shoulders curved under a growing burden, made ghost
by the murk of falling snow, headstones stand apart, row upon row.
Eyes water red in the cold, asking too much of their dead.

I don't know if this disturbs your syllable counts, but just throwing it out there.

[brynmawr1]

 I like 'witness' but later it occurred to me that it might give away the twist too early.  Part of what makes it work(for me) is the ambiguity between people vs the headstones until the last line.  At least that is my objective.   thoughts?  Maybe 'apart' is the better choice.

In the end I found 'the' too generic to let the reader know this is a gravesite of loved ones.

Thinking and reading the poem this morning, with the above remarks in mind, I came up with:

Shoulders curved under a growing burden, made ghost
by the murk of falling snow, headstones stand apart, row upon row.
Eyes water red in the cold, asking too much of their dead.

I don't know if this disturbs your syllable counts, but just throwing it out there.

Hi,

I like your version.  First line is a little short but I'm not that concerned.  I still oscillate between comma, semicolon and period after 'snow'.  Might be nit picking at this point.
thanks again for helping me work through the endless possibilities.
Bryn