How is this so far?

[Lawrence]

I'm trying to write a long poem about an astronaut looking back on his past. These are my first four lines...

May I profess a past adrift in darkness;
How I, deprived of kin, enduring exile,
Floated years lonely amongst the cold company
Of stars. How, inside my stranded satellite
I wept and wished for nothing but the world.



Any suggestions?

[Lawrence]

Great critique! Its only flaw was that part about The Notebook

[billy]

I'm trying to write a long poem about an astronaut looking back on his past. These are my first four lines...

May I profess a past adrift in darkness;is 'may' needed
How I, deprived of kin, enduring exile, is 'how i' needed, edurig exile feels reduNdaNt
Floated years lonely amongst the cold company is 'lonely' needed, we automatically think of space as lonely and you stated you're in exile, so it feels redundant. would 'distant' be better than 'cold'
Of stars. How, inside my stranded satellite Is 'how' needed
I wept and wished for nothing but the world.



Any suggestions?

a good start, for me it needs less of the packing words like 'may' and the to 'how's'

[heslopian]

I'm trying to write a long poem about an astronaut looking back on his past. These are my first four lines...

May I profess a past adrift in darkness; I'm not sure "profess" is quite the right word, or else it needs more explanation. Would "reveal" work better.
How I, deprived of kin, enduring exile, Good line. Elegant and graceful.
Floated years lonely amongst the cold company This line seems to have too many words. Could it be shortened to this?: "Drifted for years in the company of stars". As it is it seems to be telling more than showing.
Of stars. How, inside my stranded satellite I love the phrase stranded satellite.
I wept and wished for nothing but the world. Nice closer.


Any suggestions?

This seems affectedly baroque, though I think that's inevitable; the style isn't far from those employed in old Greek poems, and you're a 21st century writer. But you do pull it off pretty well; despite being doomed to appear affected, it doesn't come across as dishonest or pretentious.