The Musician

[Fearful Symmetry]

The Musician

Always he returned to jazz
but the boys called him “saxo-phony”
cuz the way he bent that sax
dipped and died, straight from the horn's jaw —
eating the air like an ATV
flings dirt behind its wheels. But you
gotta understand, he thought
he was the cat's pajamas, Inuit’s
igloos, bee's knees or
just plain cool as a Q-
kumber. The way he made that horn weep —
lawless, he called it — full of gusto,
mayhem and not so original sin.
No one could blast it like Sam,
or wanted to. Except Sam Jr. That boy'd get all
popsicle and library book
quiet, like he was standing in the Taj
right as his pop let loose. And I
still don't understand, but oh
that boy wanted to play like Sam, pushing
ugly, twisted, torn and ruff.
Vicious how life
won't give nobody what they wanted.
X's and O's didn't go right in Jr.'s playbook, ya C.
Yeah he ended up in and out of rehab,
zonked out and lousy, of all places, in Florida.

[Knot]

Hi Fearful,
lots to like (and quite a bit that could be cut.)

It feels a bit like two poems joined together - the first (lines 1-13) and the second (lines 14-26) - and I think both have merit, but not sure they work successfully as one piece.


Always he returned to jazz
but the boys called him “saxo-phony” .......... Surely this is the title?
cuz the way he bent that sax
dipped and died, straight from the horn's jaw —
eating the air like an ATV
flings dirt behind its wheels. But you
gotta understand, he thought
he was the cat's pajamas, Inuit’s
igloos, bee's knees or
just plain cool as a Q-
kumber. The way he made that horn weep — ........ you've 'horn' twice (maybe revisit one?)
lawless, he called it — full of gusto,
mayhem and not so original sin.


No one could blast it like Sam,
or wanted to. Except Sam Jr.
That boy'd get all popsicle and library book
quiet, like he was standing in the Taj
right as his pop let loose. And I
still don't understand, but oh
that boy wanted to play like Sam, pushing ......... this 'Sam' feels like one too many (any alternatives?)
ugly, twisted, torn and ruff.
Vicious how life
won't give nobody what they wanted.
X's and O's didn't go right in Jr.'s playbook, ya C. ......... not following the X's and O's
Yeah he But he kept on going
ended up in and out of rehab,
zonked out and lousy, of all places, in Florida. ............. the ending doesn't quite land, perhaps it needs to be a little tighter?


For me it's the second piece that is the stronger, the first just feels a bit like the preamble (and I'm not sure you need it.)


Best, Knot


.

[TranquillityBase]

The Musician

Always he returned to jazz
but the boys called him “saxo-phony”
cuz the way he bent that sax
dipped and died, straight from the horn's jaw —
eating the air like an ATV
flings dirt behind its wheels. But you                    for reasons I can't explain, this comparison doesn't work for me
gotta understand, he thought
he was the cat's pajamas, Inuit’s
igloos, bee's knees or
just plain cool as a Q-
kumber. The way he made that horn weep —       maybe something besides weep....e.g. "my guitar gently weeps"....already used
lawless, he called it — full of gusto,
mayhem and not so original sin.
No one could blast it like Sam,
or wanted to. Except Sam Jr. That boy'd get all
popsicle and library book
quiet, like he was standing in the Taj
right as his pop let loose. And I                     my favorite lines, except for the word "pop"...."notes"?
still don't understand, but oh
that boy wanted to play like Sam, pushing
ugly, twisted, torn and ruff.
Vicious how life
won't give nobody what they wanted.
X's and O's didn't go right in Jr.'s playbook, ya C.       this just leaves me mystified, not in a good way
Yeah he ended up in and out of rehab,
zonked out and lousy, of all places, in Florida.       yeah, Florida....horrible place to end up, unless you're deliberately lost in the Everglades

These suggestions are coming from someone unaccustomed to jazz/saxophones, just so you know.

[Fearful Symmetry]

Knot and Tranquility, thank you both very much for your critique and your suggestions, I greatly appreciate you both 

You’ve both pointed out some of the same rough spots, which gives me an excellent road map. 

Not that this excuses any of the rough patches, but for the sake of clarity this is a double abecedarian. I went back and forth on including that in the title (Double Abecedarian: The Musician) but decided against it. I’m still a little on the fence about it. Thoughts/opinions?

[Knot]

Hi FS.

Firstly kudos on the form (not that I noticed. D'oh!) but apart from the utility of the exercise itself, what is it adding to the content? For me, not much - though it does explain that baffling X and O line. Doesn't justify it mind, but does explain it.

I'd just observe that simply because you started with that form doesn't mean you have to end with it. What works best for the poem?

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

Knot and Tranquility, thank you both very much for your critique and your suggestions, I greatly appreciate you both 

You’ve both pointed out some of the same rough spots, which gives me an excellent road map. 

Not that this excuses any of the rough patches, but for the sake of clarity this is a double abecedarian. I went back and forth on including that in the title (Double Abecedarian: The Musician) but decided against it. I’m still a little on the fence about it. Thoughts/opinions?

OK, did't see that coming.  I think that's a very cool experiment.  I think adding it to the title would give the reader like me the pleasure of appreciating it.

[CRNDLSM]

Well done with the form.  It's hard for me to make suggestions here because it reads like someone talking, so a lot of it could chalk up to their manner of speaking.  

The Musician

Always he returned to jazz
but the boys called him “saxo-phony”
cuz the way he bent that sax I tried thinking a way out of repeating sax
dipped and died, straight from the horn's jaw —
eating the air like an ATV
flings dirt behind its wheels. But you
gotta understand, he thought
he was the cat's pajamas, Inuit’s
igloos, bee's knees or
just plain cool as a Q- i appreciate the use of capitalization aesthetically throughout 
kumber. The way he made that horn weep —
lawless, he called it — full of gusto,
mayhem and not so original sin.
No one could blast it like Sam,
or wanted to. Except Sam Jr. That boy'd get all and the repetition of Sam here but Sam junior is his name
popsicle and library book
quiet, like he was standing in the Taj
right as his pop let loose. And I and repeating pop,- but I guess that's his dad
still don't understand, but oh
that boy wanted to play like Sam, pushing
ugly, twisted, torn and ruff.
Vicious how life
won't give nobody what they wanted.
X's and O's didn't go right in Jr.'s playbook, ya C. This line - it looks good, but hugs and kisses?
Yeah he ended up in and out of rehab, why have I heard this before (so many acquaintances)
zonked out and lousy, of all places, in Florida. You really make this flow so well to the end, quirky, understandable, and the form right under our noses.  

How about something like

Vicious how life
won't give nobody what they need, their
X's and O's.  Wouldn't go right in Jr's playbook, ya C.

I don't know,  thanks for sharing

[Fearful Symmetry]

Thanks for your feedback 

I’ve been giving myself a little bit of a pass on repeating words here since it’s dialogue, but I think I need to work in some alternates. And it’s clear that the X’s and O’s line is just a mess 

Thanks for you help!

[Knot]

Hi FS

Just a thought, but ... If you changed the title to something like 'Lacking the X Factor' it might allow you to lose the X line completely and end with

ugly, twisted, torn and ruff.

Vicious how life won't give nobody

what they wanted.

You know how this ends, right? Hero turned

zero, forever in rehab. Forever in Florida.

Best, Knot.

[Fearful Symmetry]

Thanks, Knot, that’s a clever idea, I’ll have to think that over.