Us + Them

[Bunx]

We

Being a member of the free market
as a disabled worker
is swimming up stream
then reaching a water fall.

Climbing the wet cliffs of stigma,
justifying the climb.
People wait for me 
to slip and fall.

I've been climbing for ten years now, 
I swear I'll stand tall. Reality
puts my delusions to shame
grounded in struggle and pain.

It's just so sad to see my peers forgotten
on the street, while I know tonight 
I'll wrap myself in cotton.

My joy, my kindness, my empathy,
an act of resistance. Telling
my friends your not crazy,
they're just afraid.

In America you're either 
Us or them.

In God we trust,
I hope he makes
us love again.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Bunx
‘you’re not crazy’

‘in America’

‘climbing the wet cliffs of stigma’
- great line

I actually know what you’re talking about, being a ‘crip’ myself.

[brynmawr1]

Us and Them

Being a member of the free market
as a disabled worker
is like swimming up stream
than reaching a water fall.     then?

Climbing the wet cliffs of stigma,             I like this phrase
while justifying the climb to everyone.
while people are waiting for me 
to slip and fall.

I've been climbing for ten years now, 
I swear I'll stand tall. Reality
Reality puts my delusions to shame
grounded in struggle and pain.

It's just so sad to see my peers          are the peer other disabled workers or a more general term?
on the street, while I know tonight 
I'll wrap myself in sheets.          not clear if sheets represent comfort or anxiety.  add a modifier of sheets to clarify 

My joy my kindness my empathy     I think you need commas between each
is act of resistance.  Telling                     are my acts....?
Telling my friends, you're not crazy      you're  and maybe use quotation marks.  Also it's not clear to me what this line is referring to in the context of the poem
they are just afraid.

I'm America you're either comma after america and do you mean IN America?  
Us or them.

In God we trust,
I hope he  helps?
us love again.

Hi Bunx,
Welcome back.  I made some simple comments and suggestions above.  Interesting and important topic.
thanks for the read
steve

[TranquillityBase]

Us and Them



I.

Being a member of the free market

as a disabled worker

is swimming up stream

than reaching a water fall.    then (?)

The first line seems pretty abstract compared to the images that follow.  It's hard to come up with any kind of concrete image that encompasses "the free market", so maybe just saying something like "Being disabled in this land".



Climbing the wet cliffs of stigma,

while justifying the climb to everyone.

As if people are waiting for me 

to slip and fall.

This is my favorite stanza. I've suggested some cuts to make it more direct. 



I've been climbing for ten years now, 

I swear I'll stand tall.

Reality puts my delusions to shame

grounded in struggle and pain.

This one starts out good, but then you stop being concrete and I think you lose steam.  What is the reality you are referring to and what are the delusions, in concrete words?



II.

It's just so sad to see my peers 

on the street, while I know tonight 

I'll wrap myself in sheets.

Another very good stanza, very concrete.  



My joy, my kindness, my empathy           added some commas

is act of resistance.                         are acts

Telling my friends, your not crazy

they are just afraid.




III.

I'm America you're either 

Us or them.



In God we trust,

I hope he makes

us love again.

Hi Bunx,

I think you've got the makings of a good poem here.  It seems like a three part poem, the first three stanzas being part 1, stanzas four and five being part 2, and then the last two stanzas being a part 3.  Each part has a different emphasis, the first is about you, the second about other people in your situation, and the third is a kind of summing up.  You wouldn't necessarily need the numbers I put in.  Maybe just an extra space between each set of stanzas would work just as well.

I made a few notes above.

TqB

[Bunx]

Finally got around to an edit thanks so much for the suggestions

[dukealien]

This is very fine (coming to it in an edited form).  There may be a little disconnect between the last two stanzas and that which goes before... or maybe not.

No stigma is quite so deep as the invisible one we know is there... and isn't.  People look away from the disabled, not because they're embarrassed, but because they feel the pain and don't think that feeling does them credit (spoiler:  it does).  And the disabled think they're being stigmatized when it's only normal hearts hiding to avoid stigmatizing them.

[Bunx]

Thanks aton for the feedback duke!