Daze of Divinity // End of Daze

[Bunx]

DAZE OF DIVINITY

When I was young,
I was in a evangelical base daze.
Seeing preachers
mumbling nonsense
claiming to be healers.

Corporations curing cancers,
crippled folks walking
pray away the pandemic
answer your pastors calling.
No questions please,

Survival of the fittest.
Kneel to the richest.
Corporate Christianity
wrapped up like a product
sold as redemption fuel.

God is good and good is God
God's love has no limits
they said in a middle-school.

Maybe that is what kept me insane?

No sight of recovery.
Does eternal diagnosis
Catalize chronic conditions
of God's goodness?

The notion of karma,
Judeo-Christian justice?
A gas-lighting anthem.

Accountability be damned.
When churches peddle miracles.
Church Elders enable
cycles of pharmaceutical
capital based neglect.

Cures make for bad business.
Treatment with side effects

leading to another product
the pharmacy might have in stock.
Great, looks like I'm in luck.
I'm still broke, sick, strained.
Living life to my godless refrain.



END OF DAZE

"Do your best.
Leave the rest
To Jesus."
Mom said
of my mental health
advocacy.

Let go and let God
the policy
of the privilege.

As an ex-Catholic
with schizoaffective.
all I heard was
"Well at least you're healthy".

Sick of trusting.
Live to work another day.
Last week I got a raise,
God is good they say

Remembering nineteen.
walls crumbling
Pastor Joel's church.

Asking, hoping,
praying, begging:

"Please God,
can I stop.
Stop taking these pills?
Im numb."

Empty,
jaded blue, thirty-two.
calling my folks
everyday.

It the tenth year in a row
letting them know
I swallowing treatment whole.

Without it,
I'd wander
sidewalk trails
begging for the change
dropped in a donation jar.

Mom, why couldn't
You just say?

"Be true to yourself - day by day.
Never stop righteously rambling
for those in your shoes

Be a living witness.
Too;
To what love can do to a friend
suffering in various shades of blue.
Testify to things proven true.

Inner trust silences unwanted voices.
You are able to make the right choices.
Live life, listen to your hurting friends.

Don't be worried about the end.
You don't need permission"

End of Daze.

[brynmawr1]

Do your best.
Leave the rest
To Jesus.
My mom said in regards
to my mental health advocacy.

She might as well said,
"Well at least you're healthy
just let your peers be forgotten".

I've seen a preacher
mumbling nonsense
claiming to be healer.

Curing cancers,
crippled folks walking
Pray away the pandemic 
answer your pastors calling.
No questions please, only tithing. 
 
Let go and let God
policy of the privileged.
Survival of the fittest,
Knell to the richest.

I'm sick of trusting
the notion of karma.
No one holds a capitalists accountable.
Especially big pharma.

Cures make for bad business.
Treatment with side effects

leading to another product
the pharmacy might have in stock.
Great, looks like I'm in luck.

Living to work another day.
Last week I got a raise,
God is good they say.

I'm an ex-Catholic with schizoaffective.
My memory is so bad
I use my poems to be reflective.

I remember being a young adult 
letting go on a reservation church
hoping, praying, asking, begging
to stop taking these pills
that made me feel so numb.

What I wish my mom would have said.
Is be true to yourself day by day.
Never stop righteously rambling
for those you love.

You don't need permission from me,
or from above.
To love you're friends, be a living witness.

That time heals wounds.
Inner trust silences unwanted voices.
You are able to make the right choices.
Live life to love listen to your hurting friends.

Compassion, honesty,
stay grounded till you mend.

Don't be worried about the end.

Bunx,
Very poignant.  Thanks for the read.
Bryn

[Bunx]

Thanks Bryn,
I hesitated posting this one afraid of be being a little wordy
So the compliment means aton!

[Knot]

.
Hi Bunx,
just to say I enjoyed the read.
Should you decide to workshop it let me  know.

(Very small thing, but 'knell' in verse 5? I want to read it as 'kneel')

Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

Thanks Knot!
Very open to workshopping this poem more.
Also stoked about you're interest in the poem

[Knot]

.

.

Hi Bunx.

Seems to me you've two poems here - blue and red - related in subject matter, granted, but they're rather getting in each other's way. I think blue packs an emotional punch, red seems rather more like venting (which isn't necessarily a negative.)

Do your best.

Leave the rest

To Jesus.

My mom said in regards

to my mental health advocacy.

She might as well said,

"Well at least you're healthy

just let your peers be forgotten".

I've seen a preacher

mumbling nonsense

claiming to be healer.

Curing cancers,

crippled folks walking

Pray away the pandemic

answer your pastors calling.

No questions please, only tithing.

Let go and let God

policy of the privileged................. don't know if this is true, but it does give one pause for thought (and it seems to conclude verse 2.)

Survival of the fittest,

Knell to the richest.

I'm sick of trusting

the notion of karma.

No one holds a capitalists accountable.

Especially big pharma.

Cures make for bad business.

Treatment with side effects

leading to another product

the pharmacy might have in stock.

Great, looks like I'm in luck.

Living to work another day.

Last week I got a raise,

God is good they say. ............. I liked this little moment of bitterness.

I'm an ex-Catholic with schizoaffective.

My memory is so bad

I use my poems to be reflective. ......... the sudden rhyme tripped me up.

I remember being a young adult

letting go on a reservation church ...... don't know what 'letting go' means here (and it's likely I don't need to.)

hoping, praying, asking, begging

to stop taking these pills

that made me feel so numb.

What I wish my mom would have said.

Is be true to yourself day by day.

Never stop righteously rambling

for those you love.

You don't need permission from me, ..... be nice if you could end with this line, I think

or from above.

To love you're friends, be a living witness. .......... how does 'witness' square with 'ex-Catholic'?

That time heals wounds. ....... might want to avoid the cliché (on the other hand it sounds honest/sincere so maybe not. I know. Helpful, right?)

Inner trust silences unwanted voices.

You are able to make the right choices.

Live life to love listen to your hurting friends.

Compassion, honesty,

stay grounded till you mend.

Don't be worried about the end.

Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

Hey Knot!
Thanks aton for the thoughtful critique. I was thinking
how this poem the same thing about how this seems like two different poems. Especially when I read it out loud there is almost a change in tone. My initial thought is breaking this poem into two parts.

The other reason I went and posted this poem even though it comes off as fragmented is kind of an emotionally driven call and response. Almost like a poetic motif.

One being the venting the other a concise conclusion.
Though my first step will be a solid edit to help make it more clear and concise.

Also I really using the terms "living witness" and the "times heals wounds) clichè. Mainly because my experience with mental health that cliche has proven true in my life. I feel the the advice I give proceeding "living witness" requires a leap of faith (almost in the same way catholics take a leap of faith) knowing that what they believe can never be proved in its entirety.

Thanks again Knot

[Knot]

.
Hi Bunx.

My initial thought is breaking this poem into two parts.
The nice thing about editing, nothing is permanent. Give it a go, see if you like it (but I think you're right, particularly about the changes in tone., so separating out each part is where I'd begin.)

Though my first step will be a solid edit to help make it more clear and concise.
To be fair, I thought it was pretty clear (well, not the relationship between the red and blue sections, but each taken separately.)
Tell the story (worry about how long it takes later.)

Mainly because my experience with mental health that cliche has proven true in my life.
Good enough reason to keep it. There's an effective plainness of language to the piece, and the phrase fits in with that.

I feel the the advice I give proceeding "living witness" requires a leap of faith (almost in the same way catholics take a leap of faith) knowing that what they believe can never be proved in its entirety.
Perhaps that's something to include in the revision?


Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

Knot!
Giving it my best shot with this current edit!
Let me know what you think!

[Knot]

.
Hi Bunx.

Daze of Divinity.

It's lacking a (clearer) narrative thread, for me. I can't quite make/follow the leap from 'faith healers' to capitalists/big pharma. Not saying it isn't there, but that you might make it a bit stronger.

Still don't know that 'knell to the richest' means

Maybe that is what made me sick? .......... feels like this line should be nearer the start, or it's the one you end on.

I'm sick of trusting
Living to work another day.
Last week I got a raise,
God is good they say ............................. I think this may be part of this poem, not EoD.

END OF DAZE ...................... I think it's stronger for the revision. Some way to go, mind, but devinitely an improvement.

"Do your best.
Leave the rest
To Jesus."
Mom said

of my mental health

advocacy.

Let go and let God

is the policy

of the privileged.

As an ex-Catholic

schizoaffective.
all I heard was
"Well at least you're healthy

forget your peers." ................. I don't reallyunderstand the 'peers' significance. And, if you italacise 'you're' then I think you can cut this line.

I remember seventeen ... I think you need something specific here. Might be a bit to 'artificial' but it would be interesting if the piece began with something that showed N's age now. Their birthday or somesuch.)

walls crumbling
at a reservation church.
Asking, hoping

begging, praying: ................... Is there something a bit more evocative/descriptive than this list?

"Please, can I stop

taking these pills.

Makes me numb."

What I wish she would have said is; .....I'm not sure it matters but I am a bit curious as to how you get from the 'young adult' you to this place. Is it the result of whatever is involved in your 'mental health advocacy'?

Be true to yourself - day by day.
Never stop righteously rambling
for those you love.

Be a living witness.
To what love can do to a friend
suffering in various shades of blue.

Testify to things proven true.
Inner trust silences unwanted voices.
You are able to make the right choices.
Live life to love listen to your hurting friends...... I'm not going to make any suggestions here (yet) but I do want to point out that it reads as rather repetitive. You use 'love' three times (and I think you might mean different things in each instance, but I'm not sure.)

Don't be worried about the end.
You don't need permission from me. ........ I don't know what this line is concluding (where's the antecedent thought in the poem?)

Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

Knot!
It took me a few days to get you're suggestions. I added a couple stanzas to the second poem to add more context.
I took aton of you're advice too

I hope this improves the poem all around and grateful for your time and feedback!

Thanks much!

[Knot]

.
Hi Bunx.
Improvements all round.

It took me a few days to get you're suggestions.
There's no rush.

DAZE
It feels like you've got all (or almost all!) the pieces, but I'm not sure they've been put together in the right order. It's still rather scatter-gun, and might benefit from editing to improve the focus.

Here's a cut and paste suggestion (you'll notice I've cut a fair bit. But pasted a lot too. Deep breath.)


God is good and good is God
they said in a middle-school.
Gods love has no limits ........ God's love

Maybe that is what kept me insane?

When I was young,
I lived a faith based daze
of preachers mumbling
nonsense claiming
to be healers. Curing
cancers, crippled folks
No questions, only tithing

thank you. Corporate
Christianity wrapped up
like a product sold
as redemption fuel. ....... not sure what fuel means in this context.
Kneel to the richest.
Survival of the fittest.

Judeo-Christian justice?
More a gas-lighting anthem.

Does my eternal diagnosis
make me chronically unworthy
of Gods goodness? .......................... God's goodness

When churches peddle miracles.
They enable cycles
of pharmaceutical neglect.
Cures make for bad business;

far better Treatment
with side effects
Accountability be damned,
there are limits, after all.

Here I am jaded blue, thirty-two. ......... like the jade (green) and blue combination.
calling my folks
everyday
tenth year in a row
letting them know
I swallowed my treatment whole.

I really believe
without my parents support.
I'd have wandered, begging
for change, dropped
in a/the? donation jar

I'm so sick
of trusting. Living
to work another day.

God is good they say.
Last week I got a raise.

_____________


END OF
I think this is still a bit overwritten. For my money, the poem is N and their mom. So here's a cut (and no paste) version of just those elements.

Of my mental health advocacy Mom said
"Do your best. Leave the rest To Jesus."

As a schizo-affective ex-Catholic all I heard
was: "Well at least you're healthy."

What I wish she would have said is –
What I didn't hear (was) –

Be true to yourself - day by day.
Be a living witness

to what love can do to a friend
suffering in various shades of blue.

Testify to things proven true.............. second 'true'
Never stop righteously rambling

for those in you're shoes.
Inner trust silences unwanted voices..... this doesn't flow as well as the rest, can you rephrase it?

Live life, listen to your hurting friends.
Advocate to end internal suffering.  .... weakest line (for me. Could you simply cut it? You've 'advocate' not long after 'advocacy' and you've 'end' here and in the next line.)
Don't be worried about the end.

You don't need permission from me.
You are able to make the right choices.

________

What I wish she would have said is – Seems to me this is a line/thought you might return to at the end. But that's just me


Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

alright did an edit run throw much later haha
Knot!
Thank you so much for you're feedback and time