Posts: 393
Threads: 58
Joined: May 2022
Mesopredator
high
on a haughty perch
watching
knowing the Art
of War
enigmatic
tail twitching
hiding
what lies
behind
darting eyes
labelled aloof
demanding
attention spurning
affection
a turn and a bite,
but conviction
the heart lacks
teeth
failing
to find purchase
betraying
we play
predator
feeling like prey
Posts: 1,176
Threads: 247
Joined: Nov 2015
(08-08-2023, 05:41 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Mesopredator Title immediately evokes a dinosaur (Mesozoic) but immediately modified...
high
on a haughty perch more of a pteranodon, then?
watching
knowing the Art
of War superiority of defense over offense [fits in later], misdirection, knowing self sustains through a hundred battles...
enigmatic
tail twitching
hiding
what lies nice dual meaning in "lies"
behind
darting eyes yup, that's Sun Tzu alright
labelled aloof
demanding
attention spurning
affection
a turn and a bite, not merely ambivalent, but treacherous... nice (the phrase, not the character described!)
but conviction
the heart lacks
teeth included phrase "the heart lacks teeth" is striking
failing
to find purchase another nice dual meaning - "purchase" as grip(e) but also what is bought, the process of trade in this case denied
betraying
we play
predator
feeling like prey "we" here is a turn, almost a disappointment - doing well in third person. But the description of passive-aggressive is spot on.
And now, having read the spoiler... okay, it's not a dinosaur (is it?) But in answer to the request for feedback, no, the "new meanings" in the sense of dual meanings certainly worked for me. They are *not* in your head. In some places the current spacing vitiates them a bit - S3 "attention spurning" may be a missing line-end too far, though it stands pretty well as is.
I really think "we" in the last stanza is a mistake, but am probably too invested in the somewhat impersonal description and thrown off by the speaker's sudden involvement. If that turn was meant, it's certainly effective: don't want to be objecting to the writer's intent rather that its execution!
P.S. Just noticed a truly grand decoding - the title! As in,
Me so cuddly
Me so vicious
Me so predator!
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(08-08-2023, 05:41 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Mesopredator
high
on a haughty perch
watching
knowing the Art
of War
enigmatic
tail twitching
hiding
what lies
behind
darting eyes
labelled aloof I would drop the word "labelled"
demanding
attention spurning
affection
a turn and a bite,
but conviction
the heart lacks
teeth
failing
to find purchase
betraying I'm a bit confused by this line; who is doing the betraying, who is being betrayed?
we play
predator
feeling like prey
I like the title for its etymological wordplay.
I found the line breaks effective in that they slowed me down in my reading. I read it in my mind in a halting way which gives it an interesting rhythm. I guess I did not pick up on as many double meanings as Duke did in his excellent critique, but I see them now, especially nice is that "read it two ways" of the 4th stanza.
I do think the last stanza needs work. That may be why "betraying" confuses me, e.g., how it relates to the lines that follow.
Maybe just leave out betraying and go with "we play/predator/feeling like/prey"?
Tim
Posts: 393
Threads: 58
Joined: May 2022
08-10-2023, 12:43 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-10-2023, 12:54 PM by brynmawr1.)
(08-08-2023, 09:25 AM)dukealien Wrote: (08-08-2023, 05:41 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Mesopredator Title immediately evokes a dinosaur (Mesozoic) but immediately modified...
high
on a haughty perch more of a pteranodon, then?
watching
knowing the Art
of War superiority of defense over offense [fits in later], misdirection, knowing self sustains through a hundred battles...
enigmatic
tail twitching
hiding
what lies nice dual meaning in "lies"
behind
darting eyes yup, that's Sun Tzu alright
labelled aloof
demanding
attention spurning
affection
a turn and a bite, not merely ambivalent, but treacherous... nice (the phrase, not the character described!)
but conviction
the heart lacks
teeth included phrase "the heart lacks teeth" is striking
failing
to find purchase another nice dual meaning - "purchase" as grip(e) but also what is bought, the process of trade in this case denied
betraying
we play
predator
feeling like prey "we" here is a turn, almost a disappointment - doing well in third person. But the description of passive-aggressive is spot on.
And now, having read the spoiler... okay, it's not a dinosaur (is it?) But in answer to the request for feedback, no, the "new meanings" in the sense of dual meanings certainly worked for me. They are *not* in your head. In some places the current spacing vitiates them a bit - S3 "attention spurning" may be a missing line-end too far, though it stands pretty well as is.
I really think "we" in the last stanza is a mistake, but am probably too invested in the somewhat impersonal description and thrown off by the speaker's sudden involvement. If that turn was meant, it's certainly effective: don't want to be objecting to the writer's intent rather that its execution!
P.S. Just noticed a truly grand decoding - the title! As in,
Me so cuddly
Me so vicious
Me so predator! hi duke,
Thanks for your comments. I am glad to hear the line breaks work for you. No, not a dinosaur, less paleolithic. Mesopredator was a new term I learned that resonated with my work. Felt it worked on a few levels. I get what you mean by introducing the 'we' in the last stanza. It was a risk meant to make it more real, but I am conflicted as well.
your insight is very helpful.
steve
(08-08-2023, 10:08 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (08-08-2023, 05:41 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Mesopredator
high
on a haughty perch
watching
knowing the Art
of War
enigmatic
tail twitching
hiding
what lies
behind
darting eyes
labelled aloof I would drop the word "labelled"
demanding
attention spurning
affection
a turn and a bite,
but conviction
the heart lacks
teeth
failing
to find purchase
betraying I'm a bit confused by this line; who is doing the betraying, who is being betrayed?
we play
predator
feeling like prey
I like the title for its etymological wordplay.
I found the line breaks effective in that they slowed me down in my reading. I read it in my mind in a halting way which gives it an interesting rhythm. I guess I did not pick up on as many double meanings as Duke did in his excellent critique, but I see them now, especially nice is that "read it two ways" of the 4th stanza.
I do think the last stanza needs work. That may be why "betraying" confuses me, e.g., how it relates to the lines that follow.
Maybe just leave out betraying and go with "we play/predator/feeling like/prey"?
Tim Hi Tim,
Thanks for your reading and comments. I think I need to keep the 'labelled' for now. Betraying is harder. I asked a lot of that the way it is written. Going to get explain-mostly meant to be a betrayal of the biting as predator and turn a bit to prey and it worked for me sonically. Maybe move 'betraying' to previous stanza?
Thanks,
steve
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(08-10-2023, 12:43 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Betraying is harder. I asked a lot of that the way it is written. Going to get explain-mostly meant to be a betrayal of the biting as predator and turn a bit to prey and it worked for me sonically. Maybe move 'betraying' to previous stanza?
Thanks,
steve
What about another stanza before the last:
betraying
each other
we play
predator
feeling like
prey
Just another 2 cents,
TqB
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Well Steve - reads like a fairly accurate description of cats.
My only suggestion is to try to embellish some of the lines so it doesn't read so list-like, unless you intended for it to be a list poem.
- Mark
Posts: 393
Threads: 58
Joined: May 2022
(08-11-2023, 12:38 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Well Steve - reads like a fairly accurate description of cats.
My only suggestion is to try to embellish some of the lines so it doesn't read so list-like, unless you intended for it to be a list poem.
- Mark
Hi Mark,
Thanks for reading and commenting. Not meant to be a list poem per se. I was experimenting with the line breaks and wanted to see what others thought of it. Looking back again I see that there are some that don't really add anything.
Take care,
steve
Posts: 432
Threads: 369
Joined: Sep 2014
Mesopredator
high
on a haughty perch
watching
knowing the Art
of War
high on haughty
perch
watching knowing
the Art
of War
enigmatic
tail twitching
hiding
what lies
behind
darting eyes
labelled aloof
demanding
attention spurning
affection
a turn and a bite,
but conviction
the heart lacks
teeth
failing
to find purchase
betraying
we play
predator
feeling like prey
That's a mode of line-breakage to explore. Folding the meanings.
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