10-11-2021, 06:30 AM
Hi Gerryswo,
I apologize if I reiterate any of the other crits. I have not read them in order to read this offering with fresh eyes. Some in-line notes follow:
THE HANGING
Arms and legs spread wide
the body floated down the smooth river
like the Vitruvian man,… ( any reference to one of Leonardo’s creations has my immediate attention.)
gracefully undulating in the gentle waves….(If the corpse is floating wouldn’t it be “on the waves”.)
Caught in the swirl of a persistent eddy
it turned as if on a Lazy Susan…(Enjoyed considering the imagery here.)
and found itself being pushed down a tributary, feet first,
like a breeched birth….(This too is fine imagery.)
A silk scarf,…(I might preface this line with the conjunction “With”)
wrapped twice around its puffy white neck,
brilliant orange
against the sky reflected blue of the river,…(I’m having a problem reading L10-L12. The modifiers “brilliant and orange” would seem to this reader to be more effective if they were placed before “silk scarf”. As is the image seems disjointed.)
snagged on a length of detritus jutting out from the shore;
a dead tree branch….(I believe that this is overworded…”a dead tree branch” might well supplant “a length of detritus”)
The arms and legs of the body collapsed together
like a closed jackknife…(effective image this)
as it tried unsuccessfully to obey the will of the moving river
and continue downstream,
but found itself instead swaying in the water as if it had been hanged….(vivid depiction)
Not long before,
a man had stood,….(if this were mine I might not enjamb on before in S2L1)
wavering, …(this line might serve as the last word in S2L2)
atop the flat rusted guard rail of a railroad bridge.
He’d held tight to an angled green support rod for temporary balance….(It reads better to this ear as “He held tight…”)
Listening for a moment to the lure of a dark river
temporarily swallowed in shadow,
he’d finally leapt out over the black ribbon of water….(Well phrased.)
The note that he’d thought would remain behind,
instead followed him down,…(Might just be me but I might reword this to read: “followed him down instead…)
drifting like a leaf,…(Reword this as: ”It drifted like a leaf…)
landing softly in the water.
It followed him like a little white raft
before gradually slipping beneath the water like an eye closing. (Nice denouement..)
I really enjoyed considering this. The images are painted with an apt palette engaging this reader. Best of luck with further revisions.
Regards,
Beowulf
I apologize if I reiterate any of the other crits. I have not read them in order to read this offering with fresh eyes. Some in-line notes follow:
THE HANGING
Arms and legs spread wide
the body floated down the smooth river
like the Vitruvian man,… ( any reference to one of Leonardo’s creations has my immediate attention.)
gracefully undulating in the gentle waves….(If the corpse is floating wouldn’t it be “on the waves”.)
Caught in the swirl of a persistent eddy
it turned as if on a Lazy Susan…(Enjoyed considering the imagery here.)
and found itself being pushed down a tributary, feet first,
like a breeched birth….(This too is fine imagery.)
A silk scarf,…(I might preface this line with the conjunction “With”)
wrapped twice around its puffy white neck,
brilliant orange
against the sky reflected blue of the river,…(I’m having a problem reading L10-L12. The modifiers “brilliant and orange” would seem to this reader to be more effective if they were placed before “silk scarf”. As is the image seems disjointed.)
snagged on a length of detritus jutting out from the shore;
a dead tree branch….(I believe that this is overworded…”a dead tree branch” might well supplant “a length of detritus”)
The arms and legs of the body collapsed together
like a closed jackknife…(effective image this)
as it tried unsuccessfully to obey the will of the moving river
and continue downstream,
but found itself instead swaying in the water as if it had been hanged….(vivid depiction)
Not long before,
a man had stood,….(if this were mine I might not enjamb on before in S2L1)
wavering, …(this line might serve as the last word in S2L2)
atop the flat rusted guard rail of a railroad bridge.
He’d held tight to an angled green support rod for temporary balance….(It reads better to this ear as “He held tight…”)
Listening for a moment to the lure of a dark river
temporarily swallowed in shadow,
he’d finally leapt out over the black ribbon of water….(Well phrased.)
The note that he’d thought would remain behind,
instead followed him down,…(Might just be me but I might reword this to read: “followed him down instead…)
drifting like a leaf,…(Reword this as: ”It drifted like a leaf…)
landing softly in the water.
It followed him like a little white raft
before gradually slipping beneath the water like an eye closing. (Nice denouement..)
I really enjoyed considering this. The images are painted with an apt palette engaging this reader. Best of luck with further revisions.
Regards,
Beowulf