Like a needle in its groove
his finger traces the lines
and faces to set again in motion
the horizontal hair, bodies curved
against the electric rainbow blur.
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around the tattered
pages of the past I found
a photo from Disneyland.
Horizontal hair, bodies curved by motion,
the background an electric rainbow blur.
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disneyland.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved in motion. Only serendipity
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disney.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter contained
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found
a photo from Disney.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture "ISO" doesn't mean anything to me; "exposure"?
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter containedan echo/of laughter almost escapes/in the spin and twirl (?). contained is such a dull word.
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Lovely piece, a still life come alive as the reader reaches the end of the poem. TqB
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found
a photo from Disney. Should this be one of Disneyland or Disney World"
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter contained
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
This is a nice vignette. The rhyme in the first line gives it momentum, but ISO slows it back down IMO. It makes the reader think rather than feel. "Echo of laughter" puts me too quickly in mind of Stairway to Heaven. Maybe "a refraction of laughter" would work. I enjoyed it very much despite these little hiccups.
07-04-2023, 12:50 PM (This post was last modified: 07-04-2023, 12:54 PM by brynmawr1.)
(07-04-2023, 08:30 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found
a photo from Disney.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture "ISO" doesn't mean anything to me; "exposure"?
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter containedan echo/of laughter almost escapes/in the spin and twirl (?). contained is such a dull word.
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Lovely piece, a still life come alive as the reader reaches the end of the poem. TqB
Hi TqB,
yes,, contained is very boring. Not sure my change is any better but at least there's a bit of rhyme to go with it. Made other changes as per your suggestions.
Thanks for the comments,
bryn
(07-04-2023, 11:10 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found
a photo from Disney. Should this be one of Disneyland or Disney World"
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter contained
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
This is a nice vignette. The rhyme in the first line gives it momentum, but ISO slows it back down IMO. It makes the reader think rather than feel. "Echo of laughter" puts me too quickly in mind of Stairway to Heaven. Maybe "a refraction of laughter" would work. I enjoyed it very much despite these little hiccups.
Hi Tiger,
Making Disney more specific does help. Both you and TqB didn't like ISO. I'll have to look up the Stairway to Heaven reference but the laughter stays for now. Good one with refraction!
thanks for the suggestions,
bryn
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found
a photo from Disneyland. I think you could add more to where the narrator is poking around to let the reader place themselves there - i.e poking through the drawer, poking through the crawlspace, etc, I would add some further specificity to those examples. As it is, 'poking around' could be cut without losing anything.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies I want to add a comma after 'blur', and change this line to 'horizontal hair, bodies'. I think there is a natural pause after blur, and if you add the comma there, it forces a change to the following line.
curved in motion. Only serendipity
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes I don't know if 'with clarity' is right, to the way I want to read it, the image captures more than reality (as I try to clarify below), so I personally would remove 'with clarity'.
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
This is nice Bryn, it captures why I usually don't like looking at old videos or pictures. My happy memories are not realistic, and I like that, I like the extra bright colours and blurry beautiful light.
In memory (or art), our senses can be more vivid than reality, this is the rare photograph that captures that quality that memory can posess.
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found
a photo from Disneyland. I think you could add more to where the narrator is poking around to let the reader place themselves there - i.e poking through the drawer, poking through the crawlspace, etc, I would add some further specificity to those examples. As it is, 'poking around' could be cut without losing anything.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies I want to add a comma after 'blur', and change this line to 'horizontal hair, bodies'. I think there is a natural pause after blur, and if you add the comma there, it forces a change to the following line.
curved in motion. Only serendipity
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes I don't know if 'with clarity' is right, to the way I want to read it, the image captures more than reality (as I try to clarify below), so I personally would remove 'with clarity'.
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
This is nice Bryn, it captures why I usually don't like looking at old videos or pictures. My happy memories are not realistic, and I like that, I like the extra bright colours and blurry beautiful light.
In memory (or art), our senses can be more vivid than reality, this is the rare photograph that captures that quality that memory can posess.
Hi Wjames,
I will consider adding details at the beginning. I left it a little vague because I worried about muddling the opening lines so I will have to give it some thought. I spent much time on the comma, no comma after 'blur' and also the order of 'hair' and 'horizontal'. I originally had the order you suggest. Regarding 'clarity', that was always a sticking point for me too. Trying too hard to show the contrast between the faces and the background, I guess. I like the idea of emphasizing the vivid aspect.
Thanks for your comments
bryn
The 'snapshot' part is strong, I'd like to know what the reaction to seeing the photograph was. What happened next? (The title tells me roughly where it is, I'm not sure a specific location matters. Local fair or Disney wherever. What's the difference?)
The 'snapshot' part is strong, I'd like to know what the reaction to seeing the photograph was. What happened next? (The title tells me roughly where it is, I'm not sure a specific location matters. Local fair or Disney wherever. What's the difference?)
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles;
the not quite echo
of laughter
within the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Best, Knot
.
Hey Knot,
I see what you are getting at. I guess I'm trying to let the reader have the space to bring their own reaction to whatever the scene set in the poem means to them. In my original concept I explicitly made Joy the thing that was most clear but rejected it as too much telling, trying to lead the witness as it were. Your point is a good one, but I will have to put some thought into where it goes from here. I'm also not quite satisfied with how the 'echo of laughter' is fitting in.
Take care,
bryn
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found …. A slightly weak opening. Maybe provide some further context - old album? Physical pics are already an anachronism. Is that a hint as to how long ago it was?
a photo from Disneyland. … possible title / first line in a parallel universe
The background an electric rainbow blur,
their horizontal hair, bodies
curved in motion. Only serendipity … some fine lines. I can see the motion
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright, the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter. … these last four lines are the poem. Beautiful
Poking around I found
a photo from Disneyland.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved in motion. Only serendipity
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disney.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter contained
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found …. A slightly weak opening. Maybe provide some further context - old album? Physical pics are already an anachronism. Is that a hint as to how long ago it was?
a photo from Disneyland. … possible title / first line in a parallel universe
The background an electric rainbow blur,
their horizontal hair, bodies
curved in motion. Only serendipity … some fine lines. I can see the motion
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright, the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter. … these last four lines are the poem. Beautiful
Poking around I found
a photo from Disneyland.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved in motion. Only serendipity
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disney.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter contained
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Hi Busker,
Thanks for your comments. Other's have also wished for more detail up front. I'm continuing to contemplate. Still others have wanted more at the end. maybe I'll start a discussion on how people navigate competing critiques.
Take care,
bryn
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around I found —personally, I think having an internal rhyme for the opening line* sounds a bit amateurish (if it isn't a rhyming poem).
a photo from Disneyland.
The background an electric rainbow blur, —having read the whole poem, I'll say this, there's a lot of punctuation going on, but it isn't always clear it's being used effectively or correctly... same goes for the enjambments.
their horizontal hair, bodies —I don't like the vagueness of the "their". Is the "mother and daughter" reveal so important that the pronoun game is necessary?
curved in motion. Only serendipity —"bodies curved in motion", maybe consider revising this description.
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright, the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within —"the almost echo of laughter"... I haven't read the previous versions, but you have edited this a few times and I find it astonishing you landed on this phrasing. Why not just "the echo of laughter / the spin and the twirl / of a mother and daughter."?
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
This whole thing needs an entire rewrite. The core idea is great. Inspired, even. But the execution needs some serious tightening up. If you could cut off all the fat, sort the punctuation out, and concentrate on a more linear progression, then you could have a really lean and cool poem.
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Poking around the tattered pages of the past I found not crazy about this addition; what were you actually going through? a box, a photo album, stuff in a drawer?
a photo from Disneyland.
Horizontal hair, bodies / curved by motion, line break added
the background an electric rainbow blur. the blurred background/an electric rainbow (?)
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within the echo of laughter/within the twirl and spin
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
thus:
Horizontal hair, bodies curved by motion, the blurred background an electric rainbow. Only serendipity of light, shutter speed and aperture could capture, so bright, the eyes and smiles, the echo of laughter within the twirl and spin of mother and daughter.
?
Either way, like the changes, except "pages of the past". Thanks for giving me the opportunity to tinker! Always easier to edit other folks' poems
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Like a needle in its groove
his finger traces the lines
and faces to set again in motion
the horizontal hair, bodies curved
against the electric rainbow blur.
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Bravissimo! I think the new first lines are very satisfying and I like that the reader will only realize it is a photograph in the second half. Always good to keep'em guessing a bit.
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Like a needle in its groove
his finger traces the lines
and faces to set again in motion
the horizontal hair, bodies curved
against the electric rainbow blur.
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around the tattered
pages of the past I found
a photo from Disneyland.
Horizontal hair, bodies curved by motion,
the background an electric rainbow blur.
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disneyland.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved in motion. Only serendipity
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disney.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter contained
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
The newest version keeps one guessing who the man taking the picture is. It pretty clearly isn't the ride itself, although the poem doesn't make that clear. Leaves one pondering whether the person watching them is good or evil...
Without the context you provide for the photographer in previous versions, the piece doesn't feel sentimental or beautiful, just kind of creepy.
(07-04-2023, 07:30 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Like a needle in its groove
his finger traces the lines
and faces to set again in motion
the horizontal hair, bodies curved
against the electric rainbow blur.
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around the tattered
pages of the past I found
a photo from Disneyland.
Horizontal hair, bodies curved by motion,
the background an electric rainbow blur.
Only serendipity of light,
shutter speed and aperture
could capture, so bright,
the eyes and the smiles,
the echo of laughter within
the twirl and spin
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disneyland.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved in motion. Only serendipity
of light, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; the almost echo
of laughter within
the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
Poking around I found
a photo from Disney.
The background an electric rainbow blur
their hair horizontal, bodies
curved by motion. Only serendipity
of ISO, shutter speed and aperture
could capture with clarity the eyes
and the smiles; almost an echo
of laughter contained
in the spin and twirl
of a mother and daughter.
The newest version keeps one guessing who the man taking the picture is. It pretty clearly isn't the ride itself, although the poem doesn't make that clear. Leaves one pondering whether the person watching them is good or evil...
Without the context you provide for the photographer in previous versions, the piece doesn't feel sentimental or beautiful, just kind of creepy.
Hi OMG,
Interesting perspective of fresh eyes. Hadn't considered that. Always the pit fall of the author forgetting no one can read all the other context that lives in our heads. Maybe a slight title adjustment will help? Something to ponder.
Thanks for the comments and welcome to Pig Pen.
bryn
I enjoyed it very much despite these little hiccups.
Bravissimo! I think the new first lines are very satisfying and I like that the reader will only realize it is a photograph in the second half. Always good to keep'em guessing a bit.
