Cicadas no. 2

[TranquillityBase]

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin tight summer's
ancient scripture,
we sing a drill down song
longing for invisible light
lost to the sun's mirror.

We traverse the strewn net
of trees signaling the breeze
to souls below us who wander
listening as our music
pulls them into the orbit of heat.

Cicadas no. 2



Born inside the ancient flow

of skin-tight summer’s 

ancient scripture

we sing a drill down song,

our invisible longing for light

lost to the mirror of  the sun.

We traverse the strewn net

of trees signaling the breeze

to souls below us who wander

listening as our music

pulls them into the orbit of heat.

[rowens]

Cicadas no. 2

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin-tight summer’s 
ancient scripture


ancient says a lot, sometimes too much

what's/is there a differnce/ in and inside?



we sing a drill down song,
our invisible longing for light
lost to the mirror of  the sun.

It's a game you're here playing with light and sun and in and out

We traverse the strewn net

most nets are strewn

of trees signaling the breeze
to souls below us who wander
listening as our music

there are a lot of verbs here,
I have forgotten what 'adverb' means

traverse the trees 


you could leave out souls, below, who, many things you can leave out
and paint a sensual strong picture without concrete details or abstract adjectives


pulls them into the orbit of heat.

[TranquillityBase]

Cicadas no. 2

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin-tight summer’s 
ancient scripture


ancient says a lot, sometimes too much                  so I should cut "ancient"?

what's/is there a differnce/ in and inside?       good point



we sing a drill down song,
our invisible longing for light
lost to the mirror of  the sun.

It's a game you're here playing with light and sun and in and out        the game of poetry?

We traverse the strewn net

most nets are strewn     skin-tight, summer, sing (one too many), song, sun, strewn....in love with S's

of trees signaling the breeze
to souls below us who wander
listening as our music

there are a lot of verbs here,                      too many I'm guessing?
I have forgotten what 'adverb' means

traverse the trees 


you could leave out souls, below, who, many things you can leave out
and paint a sensual strong picture without concrete details or abstract adjectives   seems like if I leave all those things out I'm left with what?


pulls them into the orbit of heat.

Thanks Rowens.  I'll see what I can do with it.
TqB

[busker]

Cicadas no. 2

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin-tight summer’s 
ancient scripture
we sing a drill down song,
our invisible longing for light
lost to the mirror of  the sun.
We traverse the strewn net
of trees signaling the breeze
to souls below us who wander
listening as our music
pulls them into the orbit of heat.

I'm not sure about the last two lines, beautiful as they are. The cicadas emerge, but the souls don't. Is that the point? If so, then the rest of the poem doesn't seem to be shaping up to deliver that last thought. Maybe if the title had been 'No General Resurrection' or something like that?

---

But on its own, the last line is fantastic.

'flow of a skin tight scripture' is another one that I didn't care much for

[busker]

Just revisiting my last crit
Ignore what I said

That last line is magical, and the poem beautifully builds up to it
It must necessarily be a flawed masterpiece. It’s the sort of poem that chopping and changing will ruin.

And I lack the fine critiquing skills to point out where a slight alteration in a single word here and there will close the gap.

[Wjames]

Cicadas no. 2

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin-tight summer’s 
ancient scripture 
we sing a drill down song,
our invisible longing for light
lost to the mirror of  the sun.
We traverse the strewn net
of trees signaling the breeze
to souls below us who wander
listening as our music
pulls them into the orbit of heat.

This poem oozes sex in a beautiful, subtle way. 

The metaphor is sweating in the dirt of a wet forest - perfectly visceral.

The one thing that made me stumble - it felt like there should be a comma to pause after 'ancient scripture', but that sort of makes me want to get rid of the comma after 'drill down song' in order to maintain the rhyhtm.

To my read, this formatting would be nicer:

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin tight summer's
ancient scripture,
we sing a drill down song
longing for invisible light
lost to the sun's mirror.

It is irrelevant, though - the poem is beautiful.

[TranquillityBase]

Just revisiting my last crit
Ignore what I said

That last line is magical, and the poem beautifully builds up to it
It must necessarily be a flawed masterpiece. It’s the sort of poem that chopping and changing will ruin.

And I lack the fine critiquing skills to point out where a slight alteration in a single word here and there will close the gap.

Hi Busker, 

Thanks for both your visits.  I've been in a bit of a slump since June 1.  Words won't come, and even responding to critiques has become difficult.  But it will pass I hope.

TqB

---

This poem oozes sex in a beautiful, subtle way. 

The metaphor is sweating in the dirt of a wet forest - perfectly visceral.

The one thing that made me stumble - it felt like there should be a comma to pause after 'ancient scripture', but that sort of makes me want to get rid of the comma after 'drill down song' in order to maintain the rhyhtm.

To my read, this formatting would be nicer:

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin tight summer's
ancient scripture,
we sing a drill down song
longing for invisible light
lost to the sun's mirror.

It is irrelevant, though - the poem is beautiful.

Wjames,

Interesting how interpretations can be so surprising.  At least consciously, sex was the furthest thing from my mind, although deeper down, it's certainly an obsession.

I like your reformatting idea and will implement it.

Thanks for the read and critique.

TqB

[Wjames]

Just revisiting my last crit
Ignore what I said

That last line is magical, and the poem beautifully builds up to it
It must necessarily be a flawed masterpiece. It’s the sort of poem that chopping and changing will ruin.

And I lack the fine critiquing skills to point out where a slight alteration in a single word here and there will close the gap.

Hi Busker, 

Thanks for both your visits.  I've been in a bit of a slump since June 1.  Words won't come, and even responding to critiques has become difficult.  But it will pass I hope.

TqB

---

This poem oozes sex in a beautiful, subtle way. 

The metaphor is sweating in the dirt of a wet forest - perfectly visceral.

The one thing that made me stumble - it felt like there should be a comma to pause after 'ancient scripture', but that sort of makes me want to get rid of the comma after 'drill down song' in order to maintain the rhyhtm.

To my read, this formatting would be nicer:

Born inside the ancient flow
of skin tight summer's
ancient scripture,
we sing a drill down song
longing for invisible light
lost to the sun's mirror.

It is irrelevant, though - the poem is beautiful.

Wjames,

Interesting how interpretations can be so surprising.  At least consciously, sex was the furthest thing from my mind, although deeper down, it's certainly an obsession.

I like your reformatting idea and will implement it.

Thanks for the read and critique.

TqB

Interesting, Cicadas sing in order to attract the opposite sex, and a lot of the words could be in that vein.

'skin tight' 'drill down' 'longing'  'the orbit of heat', and the strewn net as if enticing someone in as well

It's interesting reading it again trying to come up with another interpretaion (something to do with communicating with the dead?). 

Upon re-reading it again this morning, you could maybe sub out one of the two ancients in the first three lines for a different word that could add another element, but it is fine to me with two ancients.