At breakfast her last sweetness ran out, thin
and golden over waffles. What am I
to do now with her empty husk, her name
emblazoned for this last time on its front–
my Aunt Jemima? Kindly face long gone,
her smiling, chubby eagerness to please–
updated, oddly younger as she aged–
could not be tolerated, lacking rage,
resentment, or that high-chinned fortitude
unearned, displayed by those whose ancestors
were victimized to coin old suffering.
A substitute stands waiting on my shelf,
identical in form and content, full
but lacking both her image and her name:
Pearl Milling Company, it reads,
as sweet no doubt but charmless and remote.
So shall I transfer syrup from that new
to olden bottle or retain them both,
one for my waffles and the other as
a keepsake-relict of her loving soul,
dead soldier in uncivil culture wars
whose time of mythic friendliness has passed?
original version;
This morning her last sweetness ran out, thin
and golden over waffles. What am I
to do now with her empty husk, her name
emblazoned for this last time on its front–
my Aunt Jemima? Kindly face long gone,
her smiling, chubby eagerness to please
updated, oddly younger as she aged
could not be tolerated, lacking rage,
resentment, or that high-chinned fortitude
assumed unearned by those whose ancestors
were victimized to coin their suffering.
A substitute stands waiting on my shelf,
identical in form and content, full
but lacking both her visage and her name:
“Pearl Milling Company,” it reads,
as sweet no doubt but charmless and remote.
So shall I transfer syrup from that new
to olden bottle or retain them both,
one for my waffles and the other as
a keepsake-relict of her loving soul,
dead soldier in obsessive culture wars
whose time of mythic friendliness has passed?
First question, should "Pearl Milling Company" be italicized rather than quote-marked? Consistency hobgoblin says "yes," but I hesitate to put it on the same typographic level as my late aunt.
(09-24-2023, 09:31 PM)dukealien Wrote: Dead Soldier good title, a (nice) surprise as I read into the poem
This morning her last sweetness ran out, thin
and golden over waffles. What am I
to do now with her empty husk, her name
emblazoned for this last time on its front–
my Aunt Jemima? Kindly face long gone,
her smiling, chubby eagerness to please
updated, oddly younger as she aged I think either a comma at the end of this line, or start next line with "which" (I'd prefer the latter)
could not be tolerated, lacking rage,
resentment, or that high-chinned fortitude assumed unearned by those whose ancestors a little puzzled by this phrase; I think I get it, but not completely sure
were victimized to coin their suffering.
A substitute stands waiting on my shelf,
identical in form and content, full
but lacking both her visage and her name:
“Pearl Milling Company,” it reads, actually, maybe the capitalization is enough, neither quotes or italics being needed
as sweet no doubt but charmless and remote.
So shall I transfer syrup from that new
to olden bottle or retain them both,
one for my waffles and the other as
a keepsake-relict of her loving soul,
dead soldier in obsessive culture wars maybe a less strident adjective here: "ongoing"?
whose time of mythic friendliness has passed?
Hi Duke,
Enjoyed the read, a few suggestions. Had me travelling the 'net, looking for the image I remember before she was updated in the 60s. The new brand name is pretty lame, but certainly achieves neutrality I guess. A thoughtful and provoking poem.
Nice work! I really enjoy the conceit of this poem
I think your instinct to italicize Pearl Milling Company is the correct one, for what it’s worth.
Feel free to disagree, but for me the meter is holding this poem back. Instead of inspiring a creative economy, it’s led to a bit of inflation. For instance,
This morning Her last sweetness ran out, thin
and golden over waffles. What am I
to do now with her empty husk
This may have also led to some word choices that feel a little out of place with the rest of the poem, like “visage”.
If you think a less-is-more revision would be worth a try, I’d love to see the result
At breakfast her last sweetness ran out, thin
and golden over waffles. What am I
to do now with her empty husk, her name
emblazoned for this last time on its front–
my Aunt Jemima? Kindly face long gone,
her smiling, chubby eagerness to please–
updated, oddly younger as she aged–
could not be tolerated, lacking rage,
resentment, or that high-chinned fortitude
unearned, displayed by those whose ancestors
were victimized to coin old suffering.
A substitute stands waiting on my shelf,
identical in form and content, full
but lacking both her image and her name:
Pearl Milling Company, it reads,
as sweet no doubt but charmless and remote.
So shall I transfer syrup from that new
to olden bottle or retain them both,
one for my waffles and the other as
a keepsake-relict of her loving soul,
dead soldier in uncivil culture wars
whose time of mythic friendliness has passed?
Thanks to both critics, good observations. @TqB's were more actionable, but @Fearful Symmetry's are at least equally valid... just harder to work in. My experience is that blank verse will sometimes erupt in rhyme, but backing down to free verse from blank can be dispiriting.
However, if the meter is *noticed*, I'm not doing my job - as Capt. Miller said, "Make it mean something" - no filler. I'll keep trying.
At breakfast her last sweetness ran out, thin
and golden over waffles. What am I
to do now with her empty husk, her name
emblazoned for this last time on its front–
my Aunt Jemima? Kindly face long gone,
her smiling, chubby eagerness to please–
updated, oddly younger as she aged–
could not be tolerated, lacking rage,
resentment, or that high-chinned fortitude
unearned, displayed by those whose ancestors
were victimized to coin old suffering.
A substitute stands waiting on my shelf,
identical in form and content, full
but lacking both her image and her name:
Pearl Milling Company, it reads,
as sweet no doubt but charmless and remote.
So shall I transfer syrup from that new
to olden bottle or retain them both,
one for my waffles and the other as
a keepsake-relict of her loving soul,
dead soldier in uncivil culture wars
whose time of mythic friendliness has passed?
Thanks to both critics, good observations. @TqB's were more actionable, but @Fearful Symmetry's are at least equally valid... just harder to work in. My experience is that blank verse will sometimes erupt in rhyme, but backing down to free verse from blank can be dispiriting.
However, if the meter is *noticed*, I'm not doing my job - as Capt. Miller said, "Make it mean something" - no filler. I'll keep trying.
Isn't that the truth. I do it all the time. It's like one tiny compromise empowering the next tiny compromise. Mine end up as silly caricatures of what might have been a poem. I really enjoyed this and got no feel of forced blank verse. After a little googling, I learned why you used "relict" over "relic" --well done and thanks for that! A joy to read.
Non-practicing atheist
