One-way Ticket (new title) final...

[Knot]

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Hi Bryn.
I was trying to suggest the narrator woke from a leaving train hoping it was a returning train.
I think that was clearer in the original formulation.

More of an image than 'in the distance' also considered 'From backyard shadows'
I thought 'distance' changed how the dog sounded (though valley might do the same. Don't think you need 'down', by the way ... you could combine the two I suppose "Across the valley ... " ?

maybe whines but begs does fit tone better
I liked begs ...

Across the valley

a dog is begging

to be let back in.

went with tugged because more active than descriptive and implies 'tight' and rowens suggest!
A 50/50, it seems to me, each one implying the other. Author's choice though check your -ings!

Any chance of identifying the birds? A little bit of detail wouldn't go amiss and would contrast with the general 'a dog'.


Best, Knot


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[TranquillityBase]

Thank TqB.  I feel it's close too.  Not sure the title make sense anymore, though.  I proposed a different ending in a reply to rowens.  What do you think?
Thanks for your continued input.
Bryn

I agree the title may need to be revisited (was thinking that yesterday after I wrote my comments).

I think the proposed new ending is more interesting in a way, although it does break your three line stanza pattern.  But I don't think that's a deal killer.