Red's Cruel Kiss TW: self harm ideation

[sputniksungoblin]

Hey I wrote this a couple nights ago I'd really appreciate some critiques and tips TW for self harm (also side note I just joined on here so I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place please let me know if I'm not)
x
“Red’s Cruel Kiss”
The steel kiss of the blade
Gliding across silken skin
Leaving behind it a trail of red flowers 
A sting to hide in 
To hide away from the dark that threatens to wash me away
 A darkness that suffocates me
Cutting off my oxygen until I can no longer fight it
The red brings me back 
The sting makes it go away for a moment 
Makes the dark a little more bearable 
A pain to hide from the roiling agony inside
Red vines crawl down my legs 
As the demons finally abate for a few hours 
It’s addicting, enwrapping 
An endless cycle of pain and numb
It feels inescapable
It keeps me breathing, keeps the black at bay
Yet I can never escape completely 
The demons always come hunting again

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey I wrote this a couple nights ago I'd really appreciate some critiques and tips TW for self harm
x
“Red’s Cruel Kiss”
The steel kiss of the blade
Gliding across silken skin
Leaving behind it a trail of red flowers 
A sting to hide in 
To hide away from the dark that threatens to wash me away
 A darkness that suffocates me
Cutting off my oxygen until I can no longer fight it
The red brings me back 
The sting makes it go away for a moment 
Makes the dark a little more bearable 
A pain to hide from the roiling agony inside
Red vines crawl down my legs 
As the demons finally abate for a few hours 
It’s addicting, enwrapping 
An endless cycle of pain and numb
It feels inescapable
It keeps me breathing, keeps the black at bay
Yet I can never escape completely 
The demons always come hunting again

Welcome Sput. You will get valuable , constructive critique here. But it is hoped you share insights into others' poems also. It's not too hard, just say what you like or not (and why)

[rowens]

“Red’s Cruel Kiss”
x

Kiss.
Red vines 
my legs 
come hunting.

Usually I can work something out of people's stuff.

Here, I couldn't do that. There was nothing here.


Suicidal tendencies and self-harm are so common by this time.

Spread out the nature of the demons. That is where you will find creativity.

[TranquillityBase]

Hey I wrote this a couple nights ago I'd really appreciate some critiques and tips TW for self harm (also side note I just joined on here so I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place please let me know if I'm not)
x
“Red’s Cruel Kiss”
The steel kiss of the blade
Gliding across silken skin
Leaving behind it a trail of red flowers 
A sting to hide in 
To hide away from the dark that threatens to wash me away
 A darkness that suffocates me
Cutting off my oxygen until I can no longer fight it
The red brings me back 
The sting makes it go away for a moment 
Makes the dark a little more bearable 
A pain to hide from the roiling agony inside
Red vines crawl down my legs 
As the demons finally abate for a few hours 
It’s addicting, enwrapping 
An endless cycle of pain and numb
It feels inescapable
It keeps me breathing, keeps the black at bay
Yet I can never escape completely 
The demons always come hunting again

TW?

I did some radical cutting.  What's left is what I see as the strong parts of the poem.  I think some stanza breaks, about where the cuts are, would be good.

TqB

[sputniksungoblin]

Hey I wrote this a couple nights ago I'd really appreciate some critiques and tips TW for self harm (also side note I just joined on here so I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place please let me know if I'm not)
x
“Red’s Cruel Kiss”
The steel kiss of the blade
Gliding across silken skin
Leaving behind it a trail of red flowers 
A sting to hide in 
To hide away from the dark that threatens to wash me away
 A darkness that suffocates me
Cutting off my oxygen until I can no longer fight it
The red brings me back 
The sting makes it go away for a moment 
Makes the dark a little more bearable 
A pain to hide from the roiling agony inside
Red vines crawl down my legs 
As the demons finally abate for a few hours 
It’s addicting, enwrapping 
An endless cycle of pain and numb
It feels inescapable
It keeps me breathing, keeps the black at bay
Yet I can never escape completely 
The demons always come hunting again

TW?

I did some radical cutting.  What's left is what I see as the strong parts of the poem.  I think some stanza breaks, about where the cuts are, would be good.

TqB

 thank you for the advice its much appreciated i agree with you