(content warning) A Doomed Scherzando

[jestalessa]

Haughty eyes
I turn on your nodding, Darling,
my plans for the evening
not yet becoming;
not till you're sleeping.
My splintered conscience is only kindling
for the blazing inferno
beginning below.
Senses, intelligence
tingling with promise
of lust -
promises, trust broken, but
nothing of ours, Darling,
was ever enough.

...............................

My sentence might have been laid
to the Second* -
seduced
too smooth and quick,
the devil's fingers
lips, tongue, dick drew juices:
sweet respite
from angels' tunes
sung constant in my mind.

But my soul was signed away to the Eighth**
by baiting all 'round,
by viciously
taking them down
one at a time
designing, combining
newer ways
of spinning lies
to wrap them to lips
of spinning ties
to wrap them to tips
my puppets, hopping
to staggered metronomes'
ticking and tocking
in a brilliant scherzando.

I'll tell them all, you know,
that they've been played;
blame the other
for corrupting my nature
as they fight for ego,
their own interests
slightly strained
by disarray created
in their friendly midst.

And one long day
while steeping in shit,
I may wish
I'd listened to the angels.


*'Second' and 'Eighth' referring to the circles of Hell in "Dante's Inferno".

Scherzando - a musical term meaning "playfully"...it's a mood of music.

I'm not sure I'm perfectly happy with this. Though I believe in its content, I'm not sure if I properly conveyed a feeling or connected with the reader (among other things). Rip 'er up, Ladies and Gents. [:

[billy]

Haughty eyes
I turn on your nodding, Darling,
my plans for the evening
not yet becoming;
not till you're sleeping.
My splintered conscience is only kindling love this line
for the blazing inferno
beginning below.
Senses, intelligence
tingling with promise
of lust -
promises, trust broken, but
nothing of ours, Darling,
was ever enough.
while i get the feeling of subterfuge nothing is clear. the use of Darling feels kind of sly, as though the word means the opposite. we know of dante's inferno from the footnotes but i get some indication that that the blazing inferno spoken of in the 1st is sexual, for me while the above is well written with some great images it feels slightly less, or should i say gives me slightly less than i think it should. the truth is i can't be definitive about what it is i'm missing.
...............................

My sentence might have been laid
to the Second* - great concept in the 1st two lines.
seduced
too smooth and quick,
the devil's fingers
lips, tongue, dick drew juices: more really good lines from 3 to 6
sweet respite
from angels' tunes
sung constant in my mind. lines 7 to 9 counter the above well, balance the sexual depth with reason

while i know from the footnote what the second refers too, i'd like to have actually had it stated instead, (to Dante's Second)

But my soul was signed away to the Eighth** same in this verse with the eighth.
by baiting all 'round,
by viciously
taking them down
one at a time
designing, combining
newer ways
of spinning lies
to wrap them to lips felt good to this point
of spinning ties
to wrap them to tips for me this line doesn't work to well
my puppets, hopping
to staggered metronomes'
ticking and tocking
in a brilliant scherzando. great last 4 lines in this verse. brilliant image
the feeling of guilt at this point wants to be immense and yet it isn't (for me) i love how it's just factual 1st person admission of acts committed. if anything it seems like there's pride in the accomplishment of their ruination, if that's the correct word.

I'll tell them all, you know,
that they've been played;
blame the other
for corrupting my nature
as they fight for ego,
their own interests
slightly strained
by disarray created
in their friendly midst.
the cruelty in this verse is palpable the need to strike back as evident as daylight (to me)
And one long day
while steeping in shit,
I may wish
I'd listened to the angels.
i love that the last verse shows no remorse at all, just an acceptance that if remorse does ever come the consequence of how the 1st person in the poem acted, was worth it all.


*'Second' and 'Eighth' referring to the circles of Hell in "Dante's Inferno".

Scherzando - a musical term meaning "playfully"...it's a mood of music.

I'm not sure I'm perfectly happy with this. Though I believe in its content, I'm not sure if I properly conveyed a feeling or connected with the reader (among other things). Rip 'er up, Ladies and Gents. [:

it connected with me jestalessa, though i'm not sure if it was in the way you intended, i got a feeling of reprisals. of some kind payment having to be made for pain suffered. a hardening of attitude emotions to the point where emotions were non existent apart from revenge of some kind.

definitely a keeper. (jmo)

[heslopian]

I feel the same about this as I did when I left you a comment on DU. Billy's covered the critique, which leaves me in the convenient position of only having to say how much I enjoyed it, how the classiness and classical references wrapped me up in their spell, how even if I did misinterpret this the experience was still wonderful. My one original nit is purely grammatical and pathetically minor: "metronomes" doesn't need an apostrophe on the end.

[addy]

I love how engaging this was, and how the images were consistently vicious and insistent... as a reader I really got swept up in it.

Haughty eyes
I turn on your nodding ("I turn to your nodding", or maybe "I turn from your nodding"?) , Darling,
my plans for the evening
not yet becoming;
not till you're sleeping. (Is the abundance of "-ing" words intentional? It distracted me a little, but that's your judgment call)
My splintered conscience is only kindling
for the blazing inferno
beginning below.
Senses, intelligence (not sure "Intelligence" is the right word for this)
tingling with promise
of lust -
promises, trust broken, but
nothing of ours, Darling,
was ever enough. (Love how you closed these lines. It's very intriguing)

...............................

My sentence might have been laid
to the Second* -
seduced
too smooth and quick,
the devil's fingers
lips, tongue, dick drew juices:
sweet respite
from angels' tunes
sung constant in my mind.

But my soul was signed away to the Eighth**
by baiting all 'round,
by viciously
taking them down
one at a time
designing, combining ("combining" is serviceable, but kind of a weak term. Not enough oomph)
newer ways
of spinning lies
to wrap them to lips
of spinning ties
to wrap them to tips
my puppets, hopping
to staggered metronomes'
ticking and tocking
in a brilliant scherzando. (I like the cunning in this. And I very much like that you used the repetitive structure of the poem at this point to complement the sense of puppetry and trapped compulsion, for both the victims and the narrator)

I'll tell them all, you know,
that they've been played;
blame the other
for corrupting my nature
as they fight for ego,
their own interests
slightly strained (Do you really mean "slightly" strained, like an inconvenience or annoyance? The wording sounds like its pulling its punches for no reason. To me the last couple of lines are oddly bland)
by disarray created
in their friendly midst.

And one long day (Don't really see the significance of the length of the day, unless you mean to say a day long into the future)
while steeping in shit,
I may wish
I'd listened to the angels. (I like the place where you ended this, the idea of a dry resignation, "maybe", rather than actual guilt. But for some reason though the line is good it left me hanging a little. I guess I just want more LOL )

Again, really liked this. or quibble is I'm not a very big fan of footnotes in poems, unless it's an experimental format and the footnote is meant to be read as part of the poem. For me it's still better to give clues within the poem so the reader can divine the meaning of "Second" and "Eighth" by themselves. Perhaps something like an allusion to Dante's Inferno in the title could work. Just imo. But overall good job with this

[Todd]

Hi Jestalessa,

I'm going to one point that Addy raised. I'd consider making the title do more work for you. I'm not a fan of the notes. The poem needs to draw us to Dante on its own. You mention the inferno in here as well as the second and the eighth (ring).

To the lines themselves (this is all just my opinion use what you like discard the rest. Some of this may come across as harsh because text can't convey tone but it isn't meant to be in any way):

Haughty eyes --I don't think these words are a strong enough opening. They are too static--nothing drives me to the next line. As I scan through these lines the strongest ones in the first section are either "My splintered conscience is only kindling" or "Nothing of ours, Darling,/was ever enough" I would consider starting with one of them probably the second one. Just a thought.
I turn on your nodding, Darling,--why is this line important?
my plans for the evening
not yet becoming;--I'm not trying to cut everything but this almost seems parenthetical I think you could cut it as well
not till you're sleeping.
My splintered conscience is only kindling --I like this line though you could probably make it stronger by cutting the adjective "splintered" it weighs down the line a bit (judgment call of course)
for the blazing inferno--I'd like to see a different lead in word than blazing I think it's implied by inferno. However, this is a nice subtle way to introduce Dante
beginning below.
Senses, intelligence--I think you could cut this and move right to the feeling in the next line I don't think these static words do much for you
tingling with promise
of lust ---I don't think you want to introduce this concept by name at the very least you should probably delay until you've introduced the Second (so that you can subtlely link these concepts in the readers' minds
promises, trust broken, but --now we have the Eighth but this doesn't stand out as much as lust did earlier. I don't know if you need both promises and trust. Simply one would still say the same thing. You may want to pull nothing up a line breaking on a conjunction here is weaker than it needs to be.
nothing of ours, Darling,
was ever enough.--I like these last two lines. They are ambiguous sure but they are interesting all the same.

...............................

My sentence might have been laid--unless you are hinting at the colloquial use of "laid", I think you could cut the word
to the Second* ---the capitalization is a good hind here. I also think you could pull seduced up to the end of this line you're asking a lot of it to carry the line alone
seduced
too smooth and quick,
the devil's fingers--you have an opportunity here. If you reverse these too lines and cut the "too" before smooth you could use smooth and quick to play both ways with the lines above and below it. For instance:

the devil's fingers
smooth and quick
lips, tongue, dick drew juices (although dick drew juices is a bit awkward). Something to consider

lips, tongue, dick drew juices:
sweet respite
from angels' tunes--tunes and sung is a bit redundant maybe "from angels songs"
sung constant in my mind. --If you do that you could cut sung here

But my soul was signed away to the Eighth** --another good Dante reference...you could shorten it a little (an option only): But my soul was assigned to the Eighth
by baiting all 'round,
by viciously--this may read better cutting the "by" and pulling up the next line
taking them down
one at a time
designing, combining--not sure if this or the previous line are necessary. Again just my opinion from the read, if you want them for the rhythm of course it's your call
newer ways
of spinning lies
to wrap them to lips
of spinning ties --A stronger image here please.
to wrap them to tips--not sure if this adds enough. You could cut it
my puppets, hopping
to staggered metronomes' --maybe put ticking and tocking ahead of this line
ticking and tocking
in a brilliant scherzando.

I'll tell them all, you know,
that they've been played;
blame the other--Feels like there should be an Each at the beginning of this line (which would necessitate changing blame to blames).
for corrupting my nature
as they fight for ego, --this would be a stronger line and line break if you cut "for ego"
their own interests
slightly strained
by disarray created
in their friendly midst.

And one long day
while steeping in shit,
I may wish
I'd listened to the angels.--Now here's the rub of it all, the strongest lines in the poem are the final four. In some ways, I think they are the poem, and I'm not saying that to imply that the rest has no value. It's a cool ambitious concept. You want your endings and beginnings to be strong. This ending is great.


*'Second' and 'Eighth' referring to the circles of Hell in "Dante's Inferno".

Scherzando - a musical term meaning "playfully"...it's a mood of music.

I'm not sure I'm perfectly happy with this. Though I believe in its content, I'm not sure if I properly conveyed a feeling or connected with the reader (among other things). Rip 'er up, Ladies and Gents. [:

I hope some of that was helpful. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd