Haste

[Semicircle]

Bounding footfalls
of laden soles
echo louder
upon cave walls

[Tiger the Lion]

Haste

The shuffling flip flop
of laden soles on cave rocks
echoing louder

Hey Semi, excellent use of "laden" in this instance. But it makes me feel a disparity between lines 1 and 2. Line 1 feels too light for the weight of line 2.

I feel like

The heavy footfalls
or 
The frantic clapping

might make for a better intro. "shuffling flip flop" takes me to a day at the beach. And I doubt that's what you were going for. Again, I think "laden soles" is a great phrase worth building around as it sets the mood.

[Semicircle]

Good point. I have made a minor adjustment with your critique.

I'll visit this one later to see if it holds up.

Cheers
Sc

[brynmawr1]

Haste

The bounding footfalls
of laden soles on cave rock     
echoing louder

Hey Sc,

my suggestions if you were to abandon the 5-7-5.  'Laden soles' has such strong meaning, I'm not sure you need a lot around it.
Good one,
bryn

[Tiger the Lion]

Haste

The bounding footfalls
of laden soles on cave rock     
echoing louder

Hey Sc,

my suggestions if you were to abandon the 5-7-5.  'Laden soles' has such strong meaning, I'm not sure you need a lot around it.
Good one,
bryn

bounding footfalls
of laden soles
echo on cave rock

so many ways to go with this

[Semicircle]

I prefer Brynmawr's interpretation, it is more immediate.

Haikus that don't waste space are difficult to make.

[Tiger the Lion]

I prefer Brynmawr's interpretation, it is more immediate.

Haikus that don't waste space are difficult to make.

Ya, I agree. But really liked the sonics of echoing cave rock.

Edit: also, less is not always more. There are times when an intended haiku gets too big for its boots. Worth toying with this into 6-8 lines.

[Semicircle]

I had a larger idea behind this poem originally. Figured it would work better if it was a smaller product.

I will place it next to my original.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey slicer- how about an easy fix?

Bounding footfalls
of laden soles
echo louder
upon cave walls

[Semicircle]

Hey slicer- how about an easy fix?

Bounding footfalls
of laden soles
echo louder
upon cave walls

Easy is fine with me, Mark.