Hello Tim-
This is a very powerful piece, and I'll offer only delicate suggestions:
MementoThe title could easily be 'Reflection', but 'Memento' works just fine.
I was with him when he found it
discarded among cedar and limestone,
the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated The simple addition of 'that he' shows that the plating will happen after the discovery. When I first read it, it sounded like the skull was discovered already plated, though you even include the word 'now'. You don't want readers to trip up in the slightest with this one.
with chips from a shattered mirror. I suggest a full pause here, to slow down the reader.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor- this could work as a stand-alone stanza.
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.
I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos of my visage
reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss.One of the most poignant set of lines that you've ever written, in my book- stunningly clear and concise. I can easily picture this. The telling is done with great imagery: show and tell at its finest.
In its reflection - this curiosity of bone and silvered glass - I suggest combining this into one question.
could he see into an indifferent universe
where his future would be denied? I suggest that you consider swapping the placement of this stanza with the previous one. The repetition of 'universe' would still work for me a little farther apart. Speaking purely chronologically, he would see his reflection before you would see yours.
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memoryTwo more killer phrases.
that time has fused into the happenstance of now.
As with 'Rayuela', when you write about your son, you do so with the firm, yet soft touch of a loving father. As a father myself, I can feel your words in my chest.
Thanks, Tim,
Mark
ps. this one deserves to finds its way on-stage, to stand in the spotlight.
(03-23-2023, 01:51 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: As with 'Rayuela', when you write about your son, you do so with the firm, yet soft touch of a loving father. As a father myself, I can feel your words in my chest.
Thanks for the very cogent critique. I've already typed it up, but am waiting (always hard for me) to see if others react. Basically I think you made some important clarifications (and kept me from ruining the last line with a repetitive "now") and I like the way it looks in the shorter stanzas. Slow down the reader.....yes, important lesson, thanks
Combining the two questions into one also eliminated some ambiguity that the first one would trigger that I don't want triggering.
I sometimes fear I write about my son too much....but his death is pretty much the defining fact of my current existence, so how can I not?
Tim
___________________________ i asked myself what i was waiting for, so edit has now been posted
Hello again Tim-
One small observation, an addition to make this one perfect, at least in my eyes. You use punctuation throughout, except in one stanza. Being consistent is important, even though it's a very minor change/addition:
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor a semi-colon or em dash after 'labor' seems necessary to moderate the pacing
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.
This is a sublime piece of work. I know it had to be difficult to write. It is every bit a work of art, and a fitting homage to your son. I think that he would be proud of you. I know that I am.
(03-24-2023, 07:06 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hello again Tim-
One small observation, an addition to make this one perfect, at least in my eyes. You use punctuation throughout, except in one stanza. Being consistent is important, even though it's a very minor change/addition:
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor a semi-colon or em dash after 'labor' seems necessary to moderate the pacing
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.
This is a sublime piece of work. I know it had to be difficult to write. It is every bit a work of art, and a fitting homage to your son. I think that he would be proud of you. I know that I am.
I was with him when he found it Consider a rewrite like this: "I was with him when he found the skull...". I feel like "finding a skull" would create more intrigue than "finding it" in the first line and it gives the reader something concrete to work with right away discarded among cedar and limestone, the skull of an 8-point buck now plated with chips from a shattered mirror, a memento of my son’s painstaking labor breaking the mirror, selecting the chips, affixing them, patient and compelled. for some reason my mind read "composed" instead of compelled, but i feel like the N was trying to describe the son as "patient and driven". Maybe you might wanna switch this word out for another? Very minor nit
I look into the skull’s mirror, suggestion: rewrite as silvered skull? but that may mean you have to change S3L2 around to avoid repetition. Or you can cut "mirror"entirely from this line since the memento is already described in the first stanza. meditate on the chaos of my visage chaos feels a little vague here. what is chaotic about the N's visage? reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss.
What did he see in its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass? Could he see into an indifferent universe Would you consider switching out "an" for "this"? It would make it so that you don't have to say "It's a universe we share." in the last stanza where his future would be denied? Love the phrasing here
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief and I am father to his memory that time has fused into the happenstance of now. This last stanza doesn't feel like it's saying anything the poem hasn't said already. I do find the phrasing "he is father to my grief" interesting bc of the sort of role reversal caused by the son's death, but interesting is all it is to me.
I was with him when he found it Consider a rewrite like this: "I was with him when he found the skull...". I feel like "finding a skull" would create more intrigue than "finding it" in the first line and it gives the reader something concrete to work with right away. this may be doable, think it would be good to have skull in l.1 discarded among cedar and limestone, the skull of an 8-point buck now plated with chips from a shattered mirror, a memento of my son’s painstaking labor breaking the mirror, selecting the chips, affixing them, patient and compelled. for some reason my mind read "composed" instead of compelled, but i feel like the N was trying to describe the son as "patient and driven". Maybe you might wanna switch this word out for another? Very minor nit he had to contend with a lot at a young age, and that translated into a compulsive nature, in good and bad ways...anyway "compelled" is an essential word for me.
I look into the skull’s mirror, suggestion: rewrite as silvered skull? but that may mean you have to change S3L2 around to avoid repetition. Or you can cut "mirror"entirely from this line since the memento is already described in the first stanza. meditate on the chaos of my visage chaos feels a little vague here. what is chaotic about the N's visage? reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss. I hoped it would be clear, but since the mirror chips are all at different angles, what you see when you look into it resembles a Picasso painting, with your nose where your eye should be, etc.
What did he see in its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass? Could he see into an indifferent universe Would you consider switching out "an" for "this"? It would make it so that you don't have to say "It's a universe we share." in the last stanza think I want to keep "It's a unverse we share" where his future would be denied? Love the phrasing here
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief and I am father to his memory that time has fused into the happenstance of now. This last stanza doesn't feel like it's saying anything the poem hasn't said already. I do find the phrasing "he is father to my grief" interesting bc of the sort of role reversal caused by the son's death, but interesting is all it is to me.
Interesting what you say about the last stanza. Maybe you have to be a father (but maybe you are). I do worry about the last line.
Thank you for sharing,
Alex
Thanks for the read and critique, a few reponses above.
Hi Tim-
If yer worried about that last line you could lose it, but still keep ‘now’, by simple rearrangement of that last stanza to produce a solid finish.
It’s a universe we share now-
he is father to my grief,
and I am father to his memory.
I would not mess too much with this one, though, and that includes leaving ‘found it’ in L.1. ‘ it’ is vague enough to pique my interest, and works as a good enough hook to draw me in.
Also, the stanza about looking into ‘the skull’s mirror’ was absolutely clear to me, and I’m surprised you felt compelled to explain it. Slight changes could clarify though: I peer into the disjointed mirrors on the skull…
You could also avoid the repetition of ‘reflected/reflection’ by trimming thusly: In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass…
Of course these are only suggestions, but I don’t think they alter the tone of your poem.
(03-25-2023, 10:46 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Tim-
If yer worried about that last line you could lose it, but still keep ‘now’, by simple rearrangement of that last stanza to produce a solid finish.
It’s a universe we share now-
he is father to my grief,
and I am father to his memory.
I would not mess too much with this one, though, and that includes leaving ‘found it’ in L.1. ‘ it’ is vague enough to pique my interest, and works as a good enough hook to draw me in.
Also, the stanza about looking into ‘the skull’s mirror’ was absolutely clear to me, and I’m surprised you felt compelled to explain it. Slight changes could clarify though: I peer into the disjointed mirrors on the skull…
You could also avoid the repetition of ‘reflected/reflection’ by trimming thusly: In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass…
Of course these are only suggestions, but I don’t think they alter the tone of your poem.
Thanks Mark. Sorry to hear about your back. As to retirement, lots I could say about that, but it's off topic so.....
As to the poem: Think I'll just leave "it" alone for now. I do like your idea about the last stanza, but it bothers me that the lines would be so much shorter than the other stanzas (not that it is written in any form but free verse).
As regards your poem, I would worry less about line lengths, and more about conveying your intent.
This reader is fine with line length variations.
You have a splendid poem going, so be very careful with this one. It’s damn near perfect.
Thanks for your concern about my breakage, but at our age the warranties just start running out.
I’m always looking forward to the next day, even with the ‘equipment’ I gotta use now.
Mark
I was with him when he found it discarded among cedar and limestone, period or semi-colon the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated with chips from a shattered mirror.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor - breaking the mirror, selecting the chips, affixing them, patient and compelled. sort of want this to end without the 'and'. ...patient, compelled.
I look into the skull’s mirror, meditate on the chaos/ of my visage This stanza has some potential for nice enjambment if you want it but it messes with your line structure. reflected/back in a kaleidoscope of loss.
In its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass, agree with Mark, should be S3 could he see into an indifferent universe where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief and I am father to his memory. period that time has fused by the happenstance of now. A reflection... could also consider cutting 'the' and 'of now'
Memento
I was with him when he found it
discarded among cedar and limestone,
the skull of an 8-point buck
now plated with chips from a shattered mirror,
a memento of my son’s painstaking labor
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.
I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos of my visage
reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss.
What did he see in its reflection,
this curiosity of bone and silvered glass?
Could he see into an indifferent universe
where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory
that time has fused into the happenstance of now.
Hi TqB,
Late again but I had to read this many times to feel like I had something worthy to offer. As others, this is a well done poem. My only sticking point is in the last line with the word 'happenstance' which means coincidence by my figuring; it doesn't quite work for me. Though I love 'happenstance' i made a suggestion but not sure it solves it.
take care,
bryn
the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated Love the subtle change from "now" to "that he..."
with chips from a shattered mirror.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor -
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled. I understand and actually really like your reasoning for keeping "compelled"
I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos of my visage
reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss. I could picture the skull and for some reason I didn't consider how fragmented things would look in its reflection. Thank you for clarifying, this reads really well to me now
In its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass, Could we shorten to "In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass,"? If not, I do appreciate the pseudo-repetition of the word reflection (reflected, reflection). It adds rhythm to the poem imo
could he see into an indifferent universe
where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief I respect the decision to keep "It's a universe we share." It's a phrase that does add more emotional weight to the poem and I am father to his memory
that time has fused into the happenstance of now. "happenstance of now" is a nice phrase to think on. I'm thinking it refers to the N coming across the memento left by the son, but I also feel like I had to do some work to arrive at this conclusion because there's nothing in this line or stanza that references the skull again in some way.
Memento
I was with him when he found it
discarded among cedar and limestone,
the skull of an 8-point buck
now plated with chips from a shattered mirror,
a memento of my son’s painstaking labor
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.
I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos of my visage
reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss.
What did he see in its reflection,
this curiosity of bone and silvered glass?
Could he see into an indifferent universe
where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory
that time has fused into the happenstance of now.
I think you've taken others' feedback very well by coming through with a delicate edit that doesn't alter the tone of the original draft. If you were to leave this draft as is, you would be leaving us with a poignant and well-crafted piece that I really appreciate you sharing.
I was with him when he found it discarded among cedar and limestone, period or semi-colon the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated with chips from a shattered mirror.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor - breaking the mirror, selecting the chips, affixing them, patient and compelled. sort of want this to end without the 'and'. ...patient, compelled.
I look into the skull’s mirror, meditate on the chaos/ of my visage This stanza has some potential for nice enjambment if you want it but it messes with your line structure. reflected/back in a kaleidoscope of loss.
In its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass, agree with Mark, should be S3 could he see into an indifferent universe where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief and I am father to his memory. period that time has fused by the happenstance of now. A reflection... could also consider cutting 'the' and 'of now'
Hi TqB,
Late again but I had to read this many times to feel like I had something worthy to offer. As others, this is a well done poem. My only sticking point is in the last line with the word 'happenstance' which means coincidence by my figuring; it doesn't quite work for me. Though I love 'happenstance' i made a suggestion but not sure it solves it.
take care,
bryn
Thanks Bryn, I am going to try some of this out. Your idea about the last stanza has given me more ideas, but for now I'm going to try adding "reflection". Thanks for the read and ideas.
the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated Love the subtle change from "now" to "that he..."
with chips from a shattered mirror.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor -
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled. I understand and actually really like your reasoning for keeping "compelled"
I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos of my visage
reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss. I could picture the skull and for some reason I didn't consider how fragmented things would look in its reflection. Thank you for clarifying, this reads really well to me now
In its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass, Could we shorten to "In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass,"? If not, I do appreciate the pseudo-repetition of the word reflection (reflected, reflection). It adds rhythm to the poem imo
could he see into an indifferent universe
where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief I respect the decision to keep "It's a universe we share." It's a phrase that does add more emotional weight to the poem and I am father to his memory
that time has fused into the happenstance of now. "happenstance of now" is a nice phrase to think on. I'm thinking it refers to the N coming across the memento left by the son, but I also feel like I had to do some work to arrive at this conclusion because there's nothing in this line or stanza that references the skull again in some way.
I think you've taken others' feedback very well by coming through with a delicate edit that doesn't alter the tone of the original draft. If you were to leave this draft as is, you would be leaving us with a poignant and well-crafted piece that I really appreciate you sharing.
Alex
Alex, thanks for coming back. Yes, I am trying to come up with a way to bring the reader back to the skull in the last line...good point. For now I'm going to try Bryn's idea of using "A reflection..." though I'm still looking at other ways to say it. Not many synonyms for "skull" to go with. But I'm still pondering it.
Hold it right there buddy!
Drop those hands,
and step away from the keyboard!
Good and slow,
don’t try any funny business.
You have the right to remain silent.
Any edits you make
may be held against you.
If this thing goes to trial,
and I’m called to the stand,
I’ll testify that I told you
not to do it.
Seriously though, Tim. Please be careful with this one.
Whatever version is up now, leave it be- too fragile to mess with.
I was with him when he found it this first line gets me every time. discarded among cedar and limestone, the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated with chips from a shattered mirror.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor - breaking the mirror, selecting the chips, affixing them, patient and compelled.
In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass, could he see into an indifferent universe did? where his future would be denied?
I look into the skull’s mirror, Glad you didn't go for breaking up the stanza as I suggested. meditate on the chaos of my visage reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss. cut, redundant
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief and I am father to his memory. Reflections fused by the happenstance of now. this works for me. I feel like it ties back nicely to the mirror images. I am interested to see what other ideas you have.
Memento
I was with him when he found it
discarded among cedar and limestone,
the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated
with chips from a shattered mirror.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor -
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.
I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos of my visage
reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss.
In its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass,
could he see into an indifferent universe
where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory
that time has fused into the happenstance of now.
Memento
I was with him when he found it
discarded among cedar and limestone,
the skull of an 8-point buck
now plated with chips from a shattered mirror,
a memento of my son’s painstaking labor
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.
I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos of my visage
reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss.
What did he see in its reflection,
this curiosity of bone and silvered glass?
Could he see into an indifferent universe
where his future would be denied?
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory
that time has fused into the happenstance of now.
Hey TqB,
I struggle to know what else to add. It's beautiful.
kudos,
Bryn
I think you're very close to landing on an untouchable draft, but I believe the last line needs work still. As you have it, "reflections" feels forced in and the stanza doesn't flow as well as it did in the previous drafts imo. If I may be so bold as to suggest something like the following:
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief and I am father to his memory--- tens of placed reflections fused by the happenstance of now.
I was with him when he found it discarded among cedar and limestone, the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated with chips from a shattered mirror.
A memento of my son’s painstaking labor - breaking the mirror, selecting the chips, affixing them, patient and compelled.
In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass, could he see into an indifferent universe where his future would be denied?
I look into the skull’s mirror, meditate on the chaos of my visage reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss. I don't understand why this stanza and the previous stanza were flipped. Beginning the next stanza with "It's a universe we share" sounds a little awkward because it sounds like it's continuing a thought, which it was. That thought is broken up in this draft though, and without any immediately noticeable artistic intent. Even if the intent were there, I feel like it would just be overcomplicating the poem. To me, the sequence of the N looking at this piece of art that his son left behind and then trying to understand the thoughts and feelings involved in his son's creative process makes perfect sense. Also, I think the line "where his future..." hits harder when these stanzas are flipped, b/c I don't think it's said as explicitly that the son has passed already until this line.
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief and I am father to his memory. Reflections fused by the happenstance of now.
(03-30-2023, 11:50 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Hey TqB,
I struggle to know what else to add. It's beautiful.
kudos,
Bryn
Thanks for those additional tweaks ("did" and cutting "back"), and of course for returning to the scene, TqB
(03-30-2023, 02:27 PM)Velasco Wrote: I don't understand why this stanza and the previous stanza were flipped. Beginning the next stanza with "It's a universe we share" sounds a little awkward because it sounds like it's continuing a thought, which it was. That thought is broken up in this draft though, and without any immediately noticeable artistic intent. Even if the intent were there, I feel like it would just be overcomplicating the poem. To me, the sequence of the N looking at this piece of art that his son left behind and then trying to understand the thoughts and feelings involved in his son's creative process makes perfect sense. Also, I think the line "where his future..." hits harder when these stanzas are flipped, b/c I don't think it's said as explicitly that the son has passed already until this line.
[/quote]
I did the switch because Bryn and Mark suggested it. Reading again now, I think I may prefer the original order. Having it in a chronological order also has its appeal, but I think it does put the two "universe"'s too far apart. And you make a pretty convincing argument in detail. Thank you for committing yourself to the poem to this extent.
Last line is still up in the air for me. Reflections ain't doin' it for me either.
TqB
(03-30-2023, 11:52 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Tim-
Steve is right, ‘reflected back’ is redundant: just ‘reflected’ is a minor change.
That last stanza and end line seem to be causing the most trouble.
How bout:
‘It’s a universe we share- he is father to my grief,
and I am father to his memory- fused now
by the happenstance of these reflections.
Mark,
Nice rendition, but I've grown to detest "happenstance". As said above to Velasco, I'm going to the mattresses to figure out a last line....
Tim
(03-30-2023, 11:11 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hold it right there buddy!
Drop those hands,
and step away from the keyboard!
Good and slow,
don’t try any funny business.
You have the right to remain silent.
Any edits you make
may be held against you.
If this thing goes to trial,
and I’m called to the stand,
I’ll testify that I told you
not to do it.
Seriously though, Tim. Please be careful with this one.
Whatever version is up now, leave it be- too fragile to mess with.
By the way, I've been a little down of late, but this post really made my day start right today
Careful there Tim-
yer very close now... very minor edit suggested. Moving up 'this skull' reconates better with 'share' when it has more space, I think. Leave out 'their', it oddly de-personalizes- 'light and shadow' by itself works much better, for this reader:
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory, this skull
a jagged memento of light and shadow.
(03-31-2023, 10:00 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Careful there Tim-
yer very close now... very minor edit suggested. Moving up 'this skull' reconates better with 'share' when it has more space, I think. Leave out 'their', it oddly de-personalizes- 'light and shadow' by itself works much better, for this reader:
It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory, this skull
a jagged memento of light and shadow.
This really improves the sonics. Thanks yet again. Yes, I was unsure about "their", now I see why I should have been. Guess I wanted to point them more at "grief" and "memory", but I don't think leaving it out prohibits that.
Should I maybe end on a high note, e.g. "shadow and light"?
