Levitation

[TranquillityBase]

Levitation

After the coffee,
two cigarettes, I read
poems in the Pig Pen.

Then I poke around
old wounds, a chapter of the Koran,
a soccer game,
feeling them out in a mind
tangled with too many loose wires.

Take the dog to the park
sit with a hung jury of old men
talking of motorcycle gas tanks,
why dogs hump, an early Spring.

Watch the river, its current stilled
by drought, an old thing itself,
its surface an empty road,
turtles waiting for winter's end.

Another day, an other time,
this time that makes a shadow
where my mind is still.

[busker]

The question is, why aren’t you famous?
This is as good a poem as any I’ve read by any man or woman, alive or dead

---

The last line makes grown men cry
for reasons they know not why

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Tim-

Since this is MISC, I'll just point out some phrases that stood out for me, without suggesting changes.

I poke around
old wounds,

feeling them out with a mind
with too many loose wires.

Take the dog to the park
sit with a hung jury of old men 

time that makes a shadow
where my mind is still.

Interesting title, too. Thanks for this one,
Mark

[brynmawr1]

Levitation

After the coffee,
two cigarettes, I read
poems in the Pig Pen.        whether intentional or not, great double meaning here.

Then I poke around                        great line of many
old wounds, a chapter of the Koran,
a soccer game,
feeling them out with a mind
with too many loose wires.            here I think could do better than 'with', but again great line.

Take the dog to the park             comma?
sit with a hung jury of old men     this is one of the best lines I've ever come across
talking of motorcycle gas tanks,
why dogs hump, an early Spring.    the?

Watch the river, its current stilled
by drought, an old thing itself,          'an old thing itself' also inspired
an empty road on its surface,           'its surface an empty road'?
turtles waiting for winter to be gone.    winter's end?

Another day, an other time,          love the play on another, an other
this time that makes a shadow      got a little stuck on 'this', want 'a' but I feel like you are going for something specific here
where my mind is still.                 Finally, love the double meaning here.

Hi TqB,
You've really been hitting them out of the park.  Sorry, about the suggestions.  I couldn't resist noodling around a bit.  Blame it on the bourbon!
Keep 'em coming!
Bryn

[TranquillityBase]

The question is, why aren’t you famous?
This is as good a poem as any I’ve read by any man or woman, alive or dead

---

The last line makes grown men cry
for reasons they know not why

Don't know how to respond to this except to say I'm honored more than you probaby imagine.  Thank you.

---

Hi Tim-

Since this is MISC, I'll just point out some phrases that stood out for me, without suggesting changes.

I poke around
old wounds,

feeling them out with a mind
with too many loose wires.

Take the dog to the park
sit with a hung jury of old men 

time that makes a shadow
where my mind is still.

Interesting title, too. Thanks for this one,
Mark

Mark,

I'm definitely rethinking the whole first stanza's existence.  

Thanks for highlighting your likes.

---

Levitation

After the coffee,
two cigarettes, I read
poems in the Pig Pen.        whether intentional or not, great double meaning here.

Then I poke around                        great line of many
old wounds, a chapter of the Koran,
a soccer game,
feeling them out with a mind
with too many loose wires.            here I think could do better than 'with', but again great line.  curious as to what you had in mind?

Take the dog to the park             comma?  ok
sit with a hung jury of old men     this is one of the best lines I've ever come across
talking of motorcycle gas tanks,
why dogs hump, an early Spring.    the?  nope I like an

Watch the river, its current stilled
by drought, an old thing itself,          'an old thing itself' also inspired
an empty road on its surface,           'its surface an empty road'?         good idea
turtles waiting for winter to be gone.    winter's end?

Another day, an other time,          love the play on another, an other
this time that makes a shadow      got a little stuck on 'this', want 'a' but I feel like you are going for something specific here  yep
where my mind is still.                 Finally, love the double meaning here.

Hi TqB,
You've really been hitting them out of the park.  Sorry, about the suggestions.  I couldn't resist noodling around a bit.  Blame it on the bourbon!
Keep 'em coming!
Bryn

In Woody Allen's words "I practice a lot when I'm alone"    Thank you for the suggestions.  See above.

[brynmawr1]

feeling them out with a mind
with too many loose wires.            here I think could do better than 'with', but again great line.  curious as to what you had in mind?

---

Hi TqB,

Sorry just noticed your comments.

I was thinking something more descriptive, such as 'tangled by', 'shorted from/by', something like that to describe more what the "mind" was experiencing.

Those that can't do pontificate!

Great piece!

[TranquillityBase]

feeling them out with a mind
with too many loose wires.            here I think could do better than 'with', but again great line.  curious as to what you had in mind?

---

Hi TqB,

Sorry just noticed your comments.

I was thinking something more descriptive, such as 'tangled by', 'shorted from/by', something like that to describe more what the "mind" was experiencing.

Those that can't do pontificate!

Great piece!

Well, it was some helpful pontification.