The Moon holds faithful to the coast...

[RiverNotch]

The Moon holds faithful to the coast
the tide, yet Romeo calls her envious,
he calls her mutable,
while in such nights lit by the Sun
the most clear-eyed pilots too often run

their ships aground. Do not mistake
the wishes of Diana's votaries
but receive, receive, as freely as she leads
the steadfast hunter to the hind

he stalks. She knows it best
how women are loved, she knows it is best
how women love: wish not the slightest
strand of hair on Rosaline's neck

to change, although it testifies
against you in standing straight
when you pass, and the Virgin Goddess
will change, according to her kindness, what
needs changing.

[TranquillityBase]

The Moon holds faithful to the coast
the tide, yet Romeo calls her envious,
he calls her mutable,
while in such nights lit by the Sun
the most clear-eyed pilots too often run

their ships aground. Do not mistake
the wishes of Diana's votaries
but receive, receive, as freely as she leads
the steadfast hunter to the hind

he stalks. She knows it best
how women are loved, she knows it is best
how women love: wish not the slightest
strand of hair on Rosaline's neck

to change, although it testifies
against you in standing straight
when you pass, and the Virgin Goddess
will change, according to her kindness, what
needs changing.

Your ease with classical allusion makes me envious 

The jump from ships run aground to Diana was a surprise, but nothing wrong with surprises.

I had to look up Rosaline, but am now fully equipped to enjoy the poem.

All in all, a fine piece of work.  The first line had me hooked and I stayed hooked to the end.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks!

The "pilot" image is actually from Romeo and Juliet, too, but I wonder if Shakespeare was making an allusion there, too

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Notch-
No real nits, just a few comments for the MISC area:

The Moon holds faithful to the coast  love the image here, and the enjambment
the tide,  maybe 'and tide' ???  Interesting though that it didn't trip me up until I re-read it.  Maybe it's the enjambment that makes it work (without a comma after 'coast' or an 'and' before tide).

the most clear-eyed pilots too often run

their ships aground.  again, the enjambment is spot on

... wish not the slightest
strand of hair on Rosaline's neck

to change  yet again, the enjambment working really well

I honestly do not know enough about the character references, but I most certainly do appreciate how well crafted this piece is.

Thanks,
Mark

[RiverNotch]

Thanks again!

For the first two lines, I just switched the two objects around. Would

The Moon holds the tide faithful
to the coast, yet Romeo calls her envious....

work as well?

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks again!

For the first two lines, I just switched the two objects around. Would

The Moon holds the tide faithful
to the coast, yet Romeo calls her envious....

work as well?

In a way, I'd rather see your first line stay and drop tide, however, your solution above would work as well.  Would give it a fuller meaning.

I just love that first line so much I hate to see it go.