Motion

[Mark A Becker]

Inertia

Even as kids swing
high on a new rope,
grandpa won't go near

    that old southern oak.

Motion

Even as the kids swing
free on a brand new rope,
granddaddy won't go near

    that gnarled old southern oak.

[TranquillityBase]

Motion

Even as the kids swing
free on a brand new rope,
granddaddy won't go near

    that gnarled old southern oak.

Hey Mark,

Interesting reincarnation of The Family Tree.  Don't think the indention for l. 4 is needed, the space break is enough.  At first I was thinking "gnarled" was unneeded, but the more I thought about it, I think it should stay.

Appropriate day to post it.  

Tim

[TranquillityBase]

Motion



Even as the kids swing

free on a brand new rope,

granddaddy won't go near



    that gnarled old southern oak.

Me again.

Still thinking about "gnarled".  It seems like it imples old age in a tree, so "old" is redundant.  But "old" does add to the rhythm of the line.  I don't have a solution.  

New thought: I think the poem as it stands requires a pretty thoughtful reader to jump to why he won't go near the tree.  I'm assuming it references lynching. So if you want that meaning, I think the reader needs another line or two.

I was thinking along these lines:

Even as the kids swing 
free on a brand new rope,
granddaddy doesn't see them.
Whatever he sees means 
he won't go near

that gnarled old southern oak.

tim

[Mark A Becker]

New thought: I think the poem as it stands requires a pretty thoughtful reader to jump to why he won't go near the tree.  I'm assuming it references lynching. So if you want that meaning, I think the reader needs another line or two.

Thanks Tim,
If you could jump to that assumption, then I make the assumption that other readers can, too.

Maintaining six syllables per line forced me to be 'economical'.  As you know, this is a pared down version of The Family Tree, so adding lines back in would defeat the purpose of the paring down. (If it was possible, I'd get it down to a line or two). 

[71degrees]

Motion

Even as the kids swing
free on a brand new rope,
granddaddy won't go near

    that gnarled old southern oak.

Being a fan of minimalistic writing, I applaud the effort here but question the use of a few words (e.g. Even, the, brand, old). Editing out wouldn't hurt the intent, whatever it might be (lynching, possible abuse, etc.). I actually like the openness of interpretation left to the reader.

Never a fan of starting a line w/'that' but not sure of any remedies.

Enjoyed the read.

[Mark A Becker]

Yes, thank you both.
I have shortened this one even further, making it 5 syallables per line, instead of 6. Got rid of 'gnarled' but stuck with 'old' to retain the 'O' sounds. Changed the title, too.

[71degrees]

Better.