The Infidelity of Tourism in Atlantis

[NadCloutier]

Her hair falls upon her breasts like maps of a new world
Her long island legs surrounded by the fluidity of her dress
Lest I sing of parchments for the gentle craft of her pearl
Of this I sing to the lost city of Atlantis
Where the ebb from her flow temps the ocean from her flesh
Parting symposiums on flowering mounds of venus
Theorizing upon ancient pantheons the allegory of the cock
And as she romancer of vespers against thistled lips
In the temple of myrrh
The city of Atlantis gives rise
As I drain the ocean from her body
Like Vespucci
Like Columbus
Like the cartographers of Helicon
Dreaming upon Grecian urns
Of this I sing
To romance the bow of my ship
Upon a new world

[billy]

Her hair falls upon her breasts like maps of a new world
Her long island legs surrounded by the fluidity of her dress
Lest I sing of parchments for the gentle craft of her pearl
Of this I sing to the lost city of Atlantis
Where the ebb from her flow temps the ocean from her flesh
Parting symposiums on flowering mounds of venus
Theorizing upon ancient pantheons the allegory of the cock
And as she romancer of vespers against thistled lips
In the temple of myrrh
The city of Atlantis gives rise
As I drain the ocean from her body
Like Vespucci
Like Columbus
Like the cartographers of Helicon
Dreaming upon Grecian urns
Of this I sing
To romance the bow of my ship
Upon a new world

hi nad thanks for the poem.

first off i'd normally say the poem was being portrayed in an archaic write. but in this it works and doesn't hinder.

two good images in the first two lines.
for me line 4 feels to in your face. i think the poem works better without it. that's jmo though.

flowering mounds of venus feel too well used already. what haven't we heard to describe that part of a female...chunky monkey..naw thats too out of keeping. the rip of adam? while i can accept the use of venus in an antlantis poem again the mounds of venus feel to obvious.

the allegory of the cock see what i mean. that works so well. if it has been used i haven't heard of it and i doubt its been used more than once or twice. i like this line best. for me its a keyline in the poem.

dreaming upon Grecian urns
of this i sing for me takes it just over the edge. reads much better without it but again that's jmo.

was temps meant to be tempts in line 5 ?

i love the concept of the casual sexual tourist
i also enjoy the atlantis in the title which is both imaginary and real.

over all i think it needs a little tightening up (removing some of the smaller words) but i enjoyed the read of it. i can see a really good poem nestling in there. i liked it but feel it can improve.

thanks for sharing it nad.

[NadCloutier]

Now that's quality criticism. Thank you for your feedback. I read this out loud numerous times, and I think some of the lines that you pointed out were written as filler for the sake of rhythm. I know it's a bad habit. As far as mounds of venus...hmmm... At the moment that was the best I could come up with. I wanted it to be organic and sensual. Something that could be described both as a landmark and as a hooha. Eh, I'll figure something out. Thanks again man. Btw, I like what I see. I had a hard time navigating, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

[addy]

Your imagery is very rich and beautiful. I was really swept away.

I'm on the fence about the title though, and wonder if you'd consider changing it. I understand that in the poem you're making some kind of pun about the fictional Atlantis and the modern one, but reading the poem there isn't really any more reference to the "real" Atlantis in it. I guess to me, there's a big difference between what being a tourist means and what being an explorer means, and none of your imagery suggests "tourist"; no suggestion or implication of , say, how fleeting the encouner was, etc. It doesn't sound like a man just having a fuck, to be a bit crass about it. By referencing such mythic events of exploration, you imbued the act with more heartfelt meaning than what you probably intended, if I would judge it by the title you gave. So in that sense the glibness of the title doesn't work for me. It's just what I thought of it.

[billy]

by the way nad, we have rules on how many poems we post but take no notice of them we don't have enough poets yet for it to be a problem. post at will.

while rereading your poem i thought of
adams bloody slit. but i doubt that would fit hehe.
thanks for accepting my feedback in the manner it was given.

[NadCloutier]

There was a small stanza that I cut out, but didn't want to be fully disposed of it. So I chopped it up and used it as the title. I do agree, it might give off the wrong impression. IThis originally ended in a goofball way, which as you can tell ,the prior is quite lofty I guess you could say. So I cut it for the sake of consistancy

---

I'm not a whore. One poem at a time. :0)...Adam's bloody slit? That's just gross.

[billy]

There was a small stanza that I cut out, but didn't want to be fully disposed of it. So I chopped it up and used it as the title. I do agree, it might give off the wrong impression. IThis originally ended in a goofball way, which as you can tell ,the prior is quite lofty I guess you could say. So I cut it for the sake of consistancy

---

I'm not a whore. One poem at a time. :0)...Adam's bloody slit? That's just gross.

i did say it wasn't suitable lol.

hopefully we'll get more members for now me and addy will do our best to give feedback. and feel free to comment on anything you see. the choice is always yours as to when or how much to post of course

maybe a few of the non poets will pop in now and again with a bit of input too.