Six Ways of Looking at the Sun (children's poem)

[TrevorConway]

As a tub of butter

so salty your eyes

water if you stare too long.

 

As a coin tossed high,

stuck in the sky,

thrown by someone strong.

 

As the mouth of the sky,

breathing the air

our lungs can’t draw upon.

 

As a giant’s torch

shined on Earth

to search for a gift long gone.

 

As a button for something

you can’t even imagine,

that someone keeps turning on.

 

As simply the sun,

our nearest star,

which we rely upon.

[TranquillityBase]

As a tub of butter

so salty your eyes

water if you stare too long.    actually, it blinds you, so this seems too slight an image

 

As a coin tossed high,        as a burning gold coin?

stuck in the sky,

thrown by someone strong.   incredibly stong?

 

As the mouth of the sky,

breathing the air

our lungs can’t draw upon.  note below

 

As a giant’s torch    again, maybe some adjectival intensity needed here

shined on Earth

to search for a gift long gone.     something more concrete than a gift, I think....a friend, a pet, ?

 

As a button for something   ditto, a fiery button?

you can’t even imagine,

that someone keeps turning on.

 

As simply the sun,

our nearest star,

which we rely upon.     

You specify that this is a children's poem, so my first question would be, what age group are you aiming at?  I think if it's for very young children, it maybe needs more rhyme, and stanza three would be pretty incomprehensible to very young children.  I also would say the imagery needs to be beefed up and maybe made a little more.....I don't know...strange or whimsical or intense, to keep their attention.

[TrevorConway]

Hi TB,

Thanks a million for the feedback. I was thinking children aged 8-10.

Trev

 

As a tub of butter

so salty your eyes

water if you stare too long.    actually, it blinds you, so this seems too slight an image

 

As a coin tossed high,        as a burning gold coin?

stuck in the sky,

thrown by someone strong.   incredibly stong?

 

As the mouth of the sky,

breathing the air

our lungs can’t draw upon.  note below

 

As a giant’s torch    again, maybe some adjectival intensity needed here

shined on Earth

to search for a gift long gone.     something more concrete than a gift, I think....a friend, a pet, ?

 

As a button for something   ditto, a fiery button?

you can’t even imagine,

that someone keeps turning on.

 

As simply the sun,

our nearest star,

which we rely upon.     

You specify that this is a children's poem, so my first question would be, what age group are you aiming at?  I think if it's for very young children, it maybe needs more rhyme, and stanza three would be pretty incomprehensible to very young children.  I also would say the imagery needs to be beefed up and maybe made a little more.....I don't know...strange or whimsical or intense, to keep their attention.