Secret Santa (children's poem, aged 8-12)

[TrevorConway]

I don’t know how Santa does it,

stopping at every home,

squeezing down dirty chimneys

whilst weighing twenty stone.

 

In fact, it sounds suspicious to me,

quite an impossible task,

and can we believe that Rudolf and friends

could really fly so fast?

 

Think about it – how could Santa

deliver so many gifts?

It seems to me an exhausting job

that could only be done in shifts.

 

We all know someone who eats too much –

there’s one on every street.

He always has a great big belly

and smiles whenever you meet.

 

Maybe he’s a secret Santa

every Christmas night,

putting gifts in neighbours’ homes

before the morning’s bright.

 

And so all children across the world

wake to a brand-new toy.

A little work from lots of folk

brings them so much joy.

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Trevor,

Good to see you back.  I'm the last person who should critique a Christmas poem, not having much Christmas spirit now or ever.  So I'm going to just make one suggestion.  It seems to me you've made your point about Santa in the first two stanzas.  I think stanza 3 could be dropped so you can get quickly to the point of your secret Santa.

I wish Knot were still around.  This is right up his alley.  

This link may or may not take you to a list of his poems (never tried to do this before):

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/search.php?action=results&sid=eb0acb437beac00cbb1a670872ce575a

Not sure if he ever did a Christmas poem.

Tim

[TrevorConway]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for the feedback and the link.

Trev

[RiverNotch]

It's a Christmas poem, so the meter has to be just right. I mean, I personally would rather it be perfect -- it's a *Christmas poem* -- but "roughly there" works for some more modern takes at least. This is still a bit *too* rough -- the first line, for instance, lacks a stress, while the fifth line's a stress too much -- and that smoothening, I think, is something you can work at on your own.

As for subject matter, we don't have Santa Claus here. Most of us are either too poor or too sober for such a thing. I don't even think we have a Saint Nicholas, the way most historical Christendom has him -- Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker and all that -- but yeah. It's not even that I can't relate to the whole Santa Claus thing, it's that, on some level, outside a handful of choice movies and songs and stuff, it's an expression of "charity" inextricably tied to the system that's made my people too poor for it in the first place. And I wouldn't call that cynical or anything, as I do love my bibingka and putobumbong -- or, yeah, my A Charlie Brown Christmas and Bender's Big Score.

All that aside, there's maybe a bit too much redundancy in your poem -- first two lines of the second and third stanzas are definitely just repeats -- while the fourth stanza feels a little....off. Like, I wouldn't say problematic or anything, but Shakespeare writing such a description for Falstaff would put it in the mouths of a Prince Hal meaning to get a rise out of him, or even some courtier or clergyman that doesn't care for him: its flatness defaults to contempt. I'd probably be a bit more specific and, considering all the loveably fat brothers and dads and uncles and granddads out there, maybe even point some fingers. But, overall, it's a start.

Oh, and change the title. The piece has too little to do with the actual gift giving tradition for it to work.

[TrevorConway]

Hi RiverNotch,

Thanks very much for your feedback on this.

All the best,

Trev

It's a Christmas poem, so the meter has to be just right. I mean, I personally would rather it be perfect -- it's a *Christmas poem* -- but "roughly there" works for some more modern takes at least. This is still a bit *too* rough -- the first line, for instance, lacks a stress, while the fifth line's a stress too much -- and that smoothening, I think, is something you can work at on your own.

As for subject matter, we don't have Santa Claus here. Most of us are either too poor or too sober for such a thing. I don't even think we have a Saint Nicholas, the way most historical Christendom has him -- Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker and all that -- but yeah. It's not even that I can't relate to the whole Santa Claus thing, it's that, on some level, outside a handful of choice movies and songs and stuff, it's an expression of "charity" inextricably tied to the system that's made my people too poor for it in the first place. And I wouldn't call that cynical or anything, as I do love my bibingka and putobumbong -- or, yeah, my A Charlie Brown Christmas and Bender's Big Score.

All that aside, there's maybe a bit too much redundancy in your poem -- first two lines of the second and third stanzas are definitely just repeats -- while the fourth stanza feels a little....off. Like, I wouldn't say problematic or anything, but Shakespeare writing such a description for Falstaff would put it in the mouths of a Prince Hal meaning to get a rise out of him, or even some courtier or clergyman that doesn't care for him: its flatness defaults to contempt. I'd probably be a bit more specific and, considering all the loveably fat brothers and dads and uncles and granddads out there, maybe even point some fingers. But, overall, it's a start.

Oh, and change the title. The piece has too little to do with the actual gift giving tradition for it to work.

---

Hi RiverNotch,

Thanks very much for your feedback on this.

All the best,

Trev

It's a Christmas poem, so the meter has to be just right. I mean, I personally would rather it be perfect -- it's a *Christmas poem* -- but "roughly there" works for some more modern takes at least. This is still a bit *too* rough -- the first line, for instance, lacks a stress, while the fifth line's a stress too much -- and that smoothening, I think, is something you can work at on your own.

As for subject matter, we don't have Santa Claus here. Most of us are either too poor or too sober for such a thing. I don't even think we have a Saint Nicholas, the way most historical Christendom has him -- Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker and all that -- but yeah. It's not even that I can't relate to the whole Santa Claus thing, it's that, on some level, outside a handful of choice movies and songs and stuff, it's an expression of "charity" inextricably tied to the system that's made my people too poor for it in the first place. And I wouldn't call that cynical or anything, as I do love my bibingka and putobumbong -- or, yeah, my A Charlie Brown Christmas and Bender's Big Score.

All that aside, there's maybe a bit too much redundancy in your poem -- first two lines of the second and third stanzas are definitely just repeats -- while the fourth stanza feels a little....off. Like, I wouldn't say problematic or anything, but Shakespeare writing such a description for Falstaff would put it in the mouths of a Prince Hal meaning to get a rise out of him, or even some courtier or clergyman that doesn't care for him: its flatness defaults to contempt. I'd probably be a bit more specific and, considering all the loveably fat brothers and dads and uncles and granddads out there, maybe even point some fingers. But, overall, it's a start.

Oh, and change the title. The piece has too little to do with the actual gift giving tradition for it to work.