Posts: 55
Threads: 16
Joined: Apr 2020
Its not sunset
or the last leaves of autumn
or gentle into that good night no
no metaphor, not yet.
Its high-noon, loud, summer,
quick, and car exhaust.
Just a glance–downtown,
asphalt, opposite McDonalds, in the divider.
Its not sleep. Even from my distance
I see its not sleep. Too stiff,
too much like driftwood, sun dried, petrified.
Too much like wood
on its way to stone, too quick.
And there's the women
back broke on grief
washing over his husk
crashed over and foaming
nearly as loud
as traffic.
Posts: 404
Threads: 353
Joined: Sep 2014
Its not sunset
or the last leaves of autumn
or gentle into that good night no
no metaphor, not yet.
Its high-noon, loud, summer,
quick, and car exhaust.
Just a glance–downtown,
asphalt, opposite McDonalds, in the divider.
It might be the second stanza that doesn't work.
Its not sleep. Even from my distance
I see its not sleep. Too stiff,
too much like driftwood, sun dried, petrified.
Too much like wood
on its way to stone, too quick.
And there's the women
back broke on grief
washing over his husk
crashed over and foaming
nearly as loud
as traffic.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(11-05-2022, 03:39 AM)Miley Wrote: Its not sunset It's
or the last leaves of autumn
or gentle into that good night no
no metaphor, not yet. Really excellent lead-in stanza.
It's high-noon, loud, summer, You use "loud" in a better way later on, maybe another word here: noisy, clamorous, blaring.....
quick, and car exhaust.
Just a glance–downtown, maybe move "downtown" to the first line of this stanza?
asphalt, opposite McDonalds, in the divider. Another good stanza, I like the staccato nature of the chopped up phrases here and in the rest of the poem
It's not sleep. Even from my distance
I see it's not sleep. Too stiff,
too much like driftwood, sun dried, petrified. what you describe in next two lines make this word unnecessary
Too much like wood
on its way to stone, too quick. "quick" has multiple meanings, one of them being "alive"; I think you mean "too soon"
And there's the women
back broke on grief backs broke in grief? (back needs to be plural since subject is "women")
washing over his husk
crashed over and foaming I like these lines, but I'm unclear what's happening; their grief is washing over the corpse? "crashing over..." would make it clearer
nearly as loud
as traffic.
At first I was put off by the indentions of the lines. Rereading it, I think it works.
I really like the poem: the staccato images, the shock of what comes with them, and the ending.
Posts: 41
Threads: 7
Joined: Oct 2022
Hi Miley,
Nice tone here, and some interesting images/phrases. I think "its" should be "it's" (as in "it is") throughout. Overall, the poem felt unbalanced in that the first 3 verses are a continuation of one main idea, whereas the last takes it in a different direction that then feels unexplored. You could give at least one more verse, and it could subtly give some context about the person involved, as I feel there's some detail lacking there.
All the best,
Trev
(11-05-2022, 03:39 AM)Miley Wrote: Its not sunset
or the last leaves of autumn
or gentle into that good night[,] no
no metaphor, not yet.
Its high-noon, loud, summer,
quick, and [smelling of] car exhaust.
Just a glance–downtown,
asphalt, opposite McDonalds, in the divider.
Its not sleep. Even from my distance
I see its not sleep. Too stiff,
too much like driftwood, sun dried, petrified.
Too much like wood
on its way to stone, too quick.
And there's the women
back broke[n with] grief
washing [s]over his husk
crashed over and foaming nearly as loud
as [summer holiday] traffic.
[/s]
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Sep 2022
(11-05-2022, 03:39 AM)Miley Wrote: Its not sunset
or the last leaves of autumn
or gentle into that good night no
no metaphor, not yet.
Its high-noon, loud, summer, consider removing 'Its' from this and the following stanza. It feels a bit repetitive/serial in nature.
quick, and car exhaust. A little heavy on the commas, I think it breaks up the flow too much. consider removing comma after 'summer'
Just a glance–downtown,
asphalt, opposite McDonalds, in the divider.
Its not sleep. Even from my distance
I see its not sleep. Too stiff,
too much like driftwood, sun dried, petrified. One too many 'too's, haha, in my opinion, though that may've been your goal
Too much like wood
on its way to stone, too quick.
And there's the women women or woman? only because singular 'back' in the next line threw me off.
back broke on grief
washing over his husk
crashed over and foaming
nearly as loud
as traffic.
really quite stunning, I love the set up and reveal and overall tone of the poem. I do think it could use either some paring down or beefing up depending on which way you want to take it but it stands on its own for sure.
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