Chivalry

[Mark A Becker]

Chivalry

"May I?" she asked
as she walked up to the picnic table
with her lunch bag and drink.
"Sure."

She seemed pleasant enough
until a bee landed near my hand.
Suddendly she shouted, "KILL IT!"
"Why?'"
"Because I'm afraid of it!"
"So, you kill it."
"But you're the man."
"And it's just a little bee."
"Please," she implored,
offering helpless doe eyes.
"I'm still not killing it."
She jumped up to leave
saying, "some man you are."
I didn't reply
as she walked away
with that bee
on the straw of her drink.

As she disappeared
around the corner
I couldn't help but chuckle
when I heard her shrieks of terror.

[The Karate Kid Part 2]

Chivalry

"May I?" she asked
as she walked up to the picnic table
with her lunch bag and drink.
"Sure."

She seemed pleasant enough
until a bee landed near my hand.
Suddendly she shouted, "KILL IT!"
"Why?'"
"Because I'm afraid of it!"
"So, you kill it."
"But you're the man."
"And it's just a little bee."
"Please," she implored,
offering helpless doe eyes.
"I'm still not killing it."
She jumped up to leave
saying, "some man you are."
I didn't reply
as she walked away
with that bee
on the straw of her drink.

As she disappeared
around the corner
I couldn't help but chuckle
when I heard her shrieks of terror.

Has this ever happened to anyone, ever? And how have you managed to make yourself/the narrator come off as the prick in this situation? And is this even a poem, or the ramblings of a man that hasn't quite made his mark on the world?

Mod note: Please take a moment to read our rules.  Do not attack or critique the author.  Only the poem is up for review, the poet is not.  
—Admin

Here's a more interesting edit...

"May I?" she asked
as she walked up to the picnic table 
with her lunch bag and drink.
—Sure.
A bee landed near my hand.
Suddenly she shouted, 
—KILL IT!

I shooed it away. 
And all was right with the world.

[Semicircle]

"May I?" said a bee hating woman
as she walked up to the picnic table
with her lunch bag and drink.

I unleashed my bees upon her.
All was right with the world.

[Tiger the Lion]

Chivalry

"May I?" she asked
as she walked up to the picnic table
with her lunch bag and drink.
"Sure."

She seemed pleasant enough
until a bee landed near my hand.
Suddendly she shouted, "KILL IT!"
"Why?'"
"Because I'm afraid of it!"
"So, you kill it."
"But you're the man."
"And it's just a little bee."
"Please," she implored,
offering helpless doe eyes.
"I'm still not killing it."
She jumped up to leave
saying, "some man you are."
I didn't reply
as she walked away
with that bee
on the straw of her drink.

As she disappeared
around the corner
I couldn't help but chuckle
when I heard her shrieks of terror.

I know we're in "Fun" but I wanted to offer up my first instinct. I think in L3 you miss a great opportunity for detail that would build a character. Instead of "her lunch bag and drink" ...

her chili fries and Slurpee

her sushi and smoothie


-- your own details, of course, but it just jumped out at me as a great spot to tighten the poem a a whole.

[The Karate Kid Part 2]

i didn't call anyone anything. Just asked a question. If the answer to that question makes you unhappy or a "prick" then, that's on you. You probably should go "No, I am not a prick because of A, B, C... And this is a poem..."

Please take a moment to read our rules. #7. “Don’t argue with mod calls. If you disagree with a call, then pm a mod or administrator.”  All further reactions to this situation need to take place in the sewer or pm.  All posts on a poem need to be about the poem.  Any comment not pertaining to the poem needs to take place elsewhere.  You can start a thread in the sewer to complain, or pm a moderator.  You may not continue to complain here. 
—Admin

[CRNDLSM]

I think the offensive part was 'hasnt left his mark on the world' because his name is mark. I think this is light hearted banter. I like semi circles that was fun too. Mark will probably cut his down shorter and shorter though he usually does

[Mark A Becker]

Has this ever happened to anyone, ever? And how have you managed to make yourself/the narrator come off as the prick in this situation? And is this even a poem, or the ramblings of a man that hasn't quite made his mark on the world?

---

Well hello-

Yes, a version of this actually did happen.

At least I kept that bee from being a “used to bee.”

Yer welcome,
just another Mark on the world

ps- There were actually 3 women at that table, but only the one who freaked out. When the bee landed on her straw she knocked the drink all over herself, then blamed me for not killing it (“some man you are.”). Odd things actually do happen in real life. And that bee did get away before she stormed off. The 2 other women laughed harder than I did. Maybe I should’ve stuck to the true version…

[Mark A Becker]

Here's a more interesting edit...

"May I?" she asked
as she walked up to the picnic table 
with her lunch bag and drink.
—Sure.
A bee landed near my hand.
Suddenly she shouted, 
—KILL IT!

I shooed it away. 
And all was right with the world.

Thanks for the suggested edit, but I was going for the bit of tension that the situation presented. I’ve shooed away dozens of bees, but never found it interesting. Except for the time a wasp stung me on the lip when I was 5.  Maybe I’ll get around to that story one day…