box office

[Miley]

beyond glass
businessmen’s great geometry
i can eat  polished shoes  down
the sidewalk  dark
clot of blankets
could be a body
is a body
could be alive
could be

[CRNDLSM]

Why is it called box office? Not your poem, the movie tickets thing?

beyond glass I like this line I relation to the title
businessmen’s great geometry cubicles? There is some really amazing business architecture out there
i can eat     polished shoes     down I feel like you should space these out more like this since there's no punctuation.  You seem like the privileged worker walking past a homeless person's 'box' the Hobo's office
the sidewalk     dark feels like I'm walking pretty quickly at night making a quick observation of the contrast
clot of blankets clot is good too, like the homeless is dead or dying where you're alive
could be a body
is a body
could be alive
could be keep walking don't think too much about it, it's their business

At first because of the title, I thought this was too quick and short and didn't make sense.  Slowing down and reading each line slower definitely improved my reading, not exactly sure I read it right, I think if you spaced it out more it would slow down the reader and give each line more impact.  Thanks for sharing I like it

[TranquillityBase]

beyond glass
businessmen’s great geometry
i can eat  polished shoes  down
the sidewalk  dark
clot of blankets
could be a body
is a body
could be alive
could be

I agree with CRNDLSM about the spacing; exaggerate that a bit more.  I had the same feeling of being on the street, outside a movie house, old style with the glassed in box office, late at night.  Didn't make a connection to the homeless, but that's because I've not been in such an atmosphere in many a year.

"I can eat   polished shoes   down
the sidewalk   dark"                          is the heart of the poem for me.

I like it too.

[Miley]

Thanks for the replies,  

Yeah, you mostly read it how I intended it to be read CRNDLM, thank you... I wrote this last winter when I worked at a movie theatre and I'd see the homeless on my way to/from work. I wrote a lot of notes on my feelings/experiences of seeing the homeless between selling tickets, and the challenge has been figuring out which lines go to which poems, ill post a few more later probably. I'll space the lines out more.


Thanks Tranquil, maybe ill try to make the subject more explicit,  probably wouldn't take too much?

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Miley-

I think the 2nd line needs to be more descriptive: the word “businessmen’s” is too vague for me. Perhaps something as simple as “beyond gleaming glass”. ??

The repetition of ““could be” is quite effective.

I had no problem interpreting the juxtaposition of the scene: homelessness amid affluence.

You did a fine job with a few words, and I’m a BIG fan of these types of poems.

Still, that 2nd line needs a nudge.

Thanks for this one,
Mark

[TrevorConway]

beyond glass [Any adjective to describe the glass, make it easier to imagine?]
businessmen’s great geometry [Gorgeous line. It doesn't matter that I don't understand the intended meaning]
i can eat  polished shoes  down [remove extra spaces]
the sidewalk  dark ["dark sidewalk clot of blankets", all one line]
clot of blankets
could be a body
is a body
could be alive
could be [The last 3 lines lack the freshness of other parts, and it feels kind of like you've given up on the poem instead of exploring it further]

Hi Miley,

You drew me in with the opening, especially the "businessmen's great geometry". Lovely, original and eccentric turn of phrase. After that, I found the elements too random/not obviously linked. I got more info from your comment. I think you could be a bit more blunt about the theme here, using more grammar and less fragmentation to make it just a bit less obscure. If the eating of shoes refers to Charlie Chaplin, I'd suggest mentioning Chaplin directly.

Overall, the poem feels very underexplored, like you just had the image of the homeless people and wanted to present that image. Why not describe them more? What do they say? How do people react to them? Do they even go to movies or even wish to go inside? 

I hope this feedback helps.

All the best,

Trevor