Think Three Times - edit

[dukealien]

Think Three Times


Please do not ever think
that if you abuse and victimize
men who look like the men
who once victimized and abused
men who looked like you–

that this worm will turn only once

that righteous wrath is yours alone

that downtrodden people
never will rise up and take revenge
when it’s you that did the treading.

Please do not ever think
you can’t be better
only just as bad–

because the wheel of justice
will not stop
with you on top.

original version;

Please do not ever think
that if you abuse and victimize
men who look like the men
who once victimized and abused
men who looked like you
that this worm will turn only once
that righteous wrath is yours alone
that downtrodden people
never will rise up and take revenge
when it’s you that did the treading.
Please do not ever think
you can’t be better
only just as bad –
because the wheel of justice
will not stop
with you on top.

[Tiger the Lion]

Think Three Times


Please do not ever think
that if you abuse and victimize
men who look like the men
who once victimized and abused
men who looked like you
that this worm will turn only once
that righteous wrath is yours alone
that downtrodden people
never will rise up and take revenge
when it’s you that did the treading.
Please do not ever think
you can’t be better
only just as bad –
because the wheel of justice
will not stop
with you on top.

Just wanted to touch briefly on lines 6,7,8. I'm almost always a fan of repetition applied with intent. It works well here except that you're also trying to use as little punctuation as possible. If you had used zero punctuation throughout I would say leave it as is. In context, both "once" and "alone" seem to require a following comma, em dash, or spacing of some sort to avoid ambiguity. I think a combination of all of them would least disturb the original momentum of the thing...

Please do not ever think
that if you abuse and victimize
men who look like the men
who once victimized and abused
men who looked like you
that this worm will turn only once --
that righteous wrath is yours alone

that downtrodden people
never will rise up and take revenge
when it’s you that did the treading.
Please do not ever think
you can’t be better
only just as bad –
because the wheel of justice
will not stop
with you on top.

Edit: Great title, btw.

[dukealien]

edit;


Please do not ever think
that if you abuse and victimize
men who look like the men
who once victimized and abused
men who looked like you–

that this worm will turn only once

that righteous wrath is yours alone

that downtrodden people
never will rise up and take revenge
when it’s you that did the treading.

Please do not ever think
you can’t be better
only just as bad–

because the wheel of justice
will not stop
with you on top.

---

@Tiger - Taking your idea a bit further.  Always hard to guide the reader's phrasing without becoming dictatorial about it.  No word changes, thought about "that this worm will turn but once" but too literary/archaic for a flat delivery.

About the title - was originally "Think Twice," of course, but secondary consequences makes three.  Thanks.

************

Goodness!  That other fellow was in and out so fast I didn't even catch his name!  And with a good example of how to actually do a brief critique right there, that he could have followed.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey duke-
I haven't changed a word, yet suggest going with three, five line stanzas, to reflect symmetry with the title:


Think Three Times

Please do not ever think
that if you abuse and victimize
men who look like the men
who once victimized and abused
men who looked like you–

that this worm will turn only once
that righteous wrath is yours alone
that downtrodden people
never will rise up and take revenge
when it’s you that did the treading.

Please do not ever think
you can’t be better
only just as bad–
because the wheel of justice
will not stop with you on top.

[dukealien]

Hey duke-
I haven't changed a word, yet suggest going with three, five line stanzas, to reflect symmetry with the title:


Think Three Times

Please do not ever think
that if you abuse and victimize
men who look like the men
who once victimized and abused
men who looked like you–

that this worm will turn only once
that righteous wrath is yours alone
that downtrodden people
never will rise up and take revenge
when it’s you that did the treading.

Please do not ever think
you can’t be better
only just as bad–
because the wheel of justice
will not stop with you on top.

Actually, not having changed a word in my first edit was an apology to the critic(s), not a constraint self-imposed or otherwise.

In all honesty, I like your parsing better than either of mine.  It's logical, even follows the sentence structure.  Looking at it now, I get the feeling that the strung-out versions used white space pretentiously, to seem profound - like glaring-eyed pauses in a one-man play or TV lecture.

So... what tiny changes shall I insert to make your version mine