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A girl, 14 years young
decided she was done and
jumped in front of a train
I think back to the tracks and
the fragmented deer
that tried the same.
Blown to bits
like shrapnel from a grenade.
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This is funny and depressing, at the same time—the two foundations of a good poem, in my opinion.
One minor (stylistic) criticism, I think the em dash (—) would be more appropriate after "done" rather than the en dash.
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(10-02-2022, 02:16 AM)Semicircle Wrote: A girl, 14 years young
decided she was done-
jumped in front of a train
I think back to the tracks and
the fragmented deer
that tried the same.
Isn't that a charming visual aid?
I feel like the last line is more flip than needed. What if you were to strike the last line and use "Visual Aid" in the title? Also, along the lines of KK's response, I think "and" before "jumped" would read better than the dash. (for fluidity)
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Thanks, KK and Tiger. I replaced the last line with a little more description, for full cinematic emersion.