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Remember that self-portrait
you took up at Lometa
with the old Olympus
held at arm’s length?
You’ve got a beard
and you’re not smiling.
I try to read your face,
are you angry or only serious?
I look into your eyes
and pretend you can see me too.
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10-01-2022, 10:54 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-01-2022, 10:55 AM by Tiger the Lion.)
(10-01-2022, 05:22 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: I stare at a half-dark picture of you
you took it yourself
with that the old Olympus film camera
you have a beard
you’re not smiling
I try to read your face,
you look almost angry. I think a direct address would be strong here...
I'm trying to read your face;
are you angry?
When I look into your eyes
I and pretend you can see me too.
Just my first thoughts. The term Mijo sold it for me before even my first read.
Paul
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(10-01-2022, 10:54 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: (10-01-2022, 05:22 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: I stare at a half-dark picture of you
you took it yourself
with that the old Olympus film camera
you have a beard
you’re not smiling
I try to read your face,
you look almost angry. I think a direct address would be strong here...
I'm trying to read your face;
are you angry?
When I look into your eyes
I and pretend you can see me too.
Just my first thoughts. The term Mijo sold it for me before even my first read.
Paul
Thanks Paul,
I was trying to make it as direct as possible. So your suggestion on ll. 6-7 is a good one. Thanks for the read.
Tim
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Edited. Added some detail that I hope is useful to the poem.
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(10-01-2022, 05:22 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Again I gaze at your half-dark self-portrait
pinned to the wall above my computer
you took it with that old Olympus
held at arm’s length
you’ve grown a beard
and you’re not smiling
I always try to read your stern face,
are you angry?
I look into your eyes
and pretend you can see me too.
Hi TqB,
One thought I had is to take Tiger's suggestion one step further and make the poem a more direct conversation from the opening line. Eg starting with something like 'Remember the...' And I think you can cut 'stern' in S4 sort if implied by previous lines.
Very nice work.
Bryn
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(10-03-2022, 09:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Hi TqB,
One thought I had is to take Tiger's suggestion one step further and make the poem a more direct conversation from the opening line. Eg starting with something like 'Remember the...' And I think you can cut 'stern' in S4 sort if implied by previous lines.
Very nice work.
Bryn
Thanks Bryn,
I've done another edit. Hope the Lometa reference doesn't obscure things too much, but that's how I'd remind him of the photo. Thanks for the budge toward a more direct conversation.
TqB
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(10-01-2022, 05:22 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Remember that self-portrait?
You took it up at Lometa
with the old Olympus
held at arm’s length
you’ve got a beard
and you’re not smiling.
I try to read your face,
are you angry or just serious?
I look into your eyes
and pretend you can see me too.
I keep coming back to this because I love it so much. This is a very strong edit, IMO. I have a few thoughts if you're still tweaking this one, but I'm hesitant to impose myself further on it. It's hard to say. Sometimes we have to draw a line under it so as not to lose the inspired voice.
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(10-18-2022, 06:10 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: I keep coming back to this because I love it so much. This is a very strong edit, IMO. I have a few thoughts if you're still tweaking this one, but I'm hesitant to impose myself further on it. It's hard to say. Sometimes we have to draw a line under it so as not to lose the inspired voice.
I'd be interested to hear your suggestions.
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I was thinking that the question mark maybe comes to soon and stalls the momentum of the intro. See below.
(10-01-2022, 05:22 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Remember that self-portrait?
You took it up at Lometa
with the old Olympus
held at arm’s length
you’ve got a beard
and you’re not smiling.
I try to read your face,
are you angry or just serious?
I look into your eyes
and pretend you can see me too.
Remember that self-portrait
you took it up at Lometa
with the old Olympus
held at arm’s length? I think this completes the same question with more momentum...
You’ve got a beard and allows this to be its own sentence with a cap on "You've."
and you’re not smiling.
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(10-18-2022, 07:18 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: I was thinking that the question mark maybe comes to soon and stalls the momentum of the intro. See below.
[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='261142' dateline='1664569344']
Remember that self-portrait?
You took it up at Lometa
with the old Olympus
held at arm’s length
you’ve got a beard
and you’re not smiling.
I try to read your face,
are you angry or just serious?
I look into your eyes
and pretend you can see me too.
Remember that self-portrait
you took it up at Lometa
with the old Olympus
held at arm’s length? I think this completes the same question with more momentum...
You’ve got a beard and allows this to be its own sentence with a cap on "You've."
and you’re not smiling.
Thanks Paul, a definite improvement.
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I try to read your face,
are you angry or just serious?
Just does one of two things: makes sound petty, or gets anger and serious mixed up with connotations of justice.
These are the little language games that poetry masters.
The word only would work better. Only insinuates both lonely and the opposite of lonely, being one is enough.
You try to read the face, but the face is only the face. You don't read it.
And the serious though not angry adds an emotional commentary on how people interact and perceive each other or fail to.
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(10-19-2022, 02:11 AM)rowens Wrote: I try to read your face,
are you angry or just serious?
Just does one of two things: makes sound petty, or gets anger and serious mixed up with connotations of justice.
These are the little language games that poetry masters.
The word only would work better. Only insinuates both lonely and the opposite of lonely, being one is enough.
You try to read the face, but the face is only the face. You don't read it.
And the serious though not angry adds an emotional commentary on how people interact and perceive each other or fail to.
I'm missing a piece of the puzzle: Where would "only" appear in these lines?
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are you angry or only serious?
You've got a lot of great feedback on this already, especially in terms of making it more succinct/direct... the ending is the poignant part, for me anyway. If I look at the poem through a critical lens, I guess I wonder if the details included are the right details, is it the beard? the Olympus? It is effectual as is though. Thanks for sharing
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10-19-2022, 09:48 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-19-2022, 09:50 PM by TranquillityBase.)
(10-19-2022, 10:38 AM)Miley Wrote: are you angry or only serious?
You've got a lot of great feedback on this already, especially in terms of making it more succinct/direct... the ending is the poignant part, for me anyway. If I look at the poem through a critical lens, I guess I wonder if the details included are the right details, is it the beard? the Olympus? It is effectual as is though. Thanks for sharing
Thanks Miley both for the suggestions and the clarification on what Rowens was saying. Seems obvious now, but....well, it wasn't to me.
(10-19-2022, 09:51 AM)rowens Wrote: Where else?
If Miley got it, not sure why I didn't. Anyways, I'll make that change.
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