Burst

[Semicircle]

Throttle the reins, ride into the sun,
scream through bleeding teeth,
bare the pain on your skin, absorb it,
and burst out triumphant

[TranquillityBase]

Break this shell, 
burst out triumphant 
like a bloated zit.                                 "bloated zit" is really just gross (to me) and doesn't fit in with the tone of the rest of the poem
May they wither under your roar            who are "they"?
or rise in arms to destroy,
flailing in the name of god.        Why not capitalize God?


Throttle the reins, ride into the sun,
scream out bleeding teeth,                    through?
bare the pain on your skin, absorb it,
and burst out triumphant

There's something almost Biblical about this poem, in an apocalyptic way.  I don't mean it's particularly Christian, but has the voice of some angry prophet.

TqB

[Semicircle]

Break this shell, 
burst out triumphant 
like a bloated zit.                                 "bloated zit" is really just gross (to me) and doesn't fit in with the tone of the rest of the poem
May they wither under your roar            who are "they"?
or rise in arms to destroy,
flailing in the name of god.        Why not capitalize God?


Throttle the reins, ride into the sun,
scream out bleeding teeth,                    through?
bare the pain on your skin, absorb it,
and burst out triumphant

There's something almost Biblical about this poem, in an apocalyptic way.  I don't mean it's particularly Christian, but has the voice of some angry prophet.

TqB

Thank you for the suggestions. I agree about the zit, had to pop it.

Hiding in everybody is the potential to destroy, and it all it takes is one person to trigger everyone else into mass hysteria.

[The Karate Kid Part 2]

Break this shell, 
burst out triumphant 
from the crack that split.
May the crowd wither under your roar
or rise in arms to destroy,
flailing in the name of God.


Throttle the reins, ride into the sun,
scream through bleeding teeth,
bare the pain on your skin, absorb it,
and burst out triumphant

The last stanza is brilliant. Personally, I think that is the poem. The first stanza sounds like a title. If you could condense the first bit into an appropriate title the last stanza would work on its own.

[Semicircle]

Break this shell, 
burst out triumphant 
from the crack that split.
May the crowd wither under your roar
or rise in arms to destroy,
flailing in the name of God.


Throttle the reins, ride into the sun,
scream through bleeding teeth,
bare the pain on your skin, absorb it,
and burst out triumphant

The last stanza is brilliant. Personally, I think that is the poem. The first stanza sounds like a title. If you could condense the first bit into an appropriate title the last stanza would work on its own.

Hmm, I do agree the last stanza could work on its own but for the purposes of this poem, I need both. I do recognize the contrast between.

This requires a little thought..

thanks for the critique

[The Karate Kid Part 2]

Break this shell, 
burst out triumphant 
from the crack that split.
May the crowd wither under your roar
or rise in arms to destroy,
flailing in the name of God.


Throttle the reins, ride into the sun,
scream through bleeding teeth,
bare the pain on your skin, absorb it,
and burst out triumphant

The last stanza is brilliant. Personally, I think that is the poem. The first stanza sounds like a title. If you could condense the first bit into an appropriate title the last stanza would work on its own.

Hmm, I do agree the last stanza could work on its own but for the purposes of this poem, I need both. I do recognize the contrast between.

This requires a little thought..

thanks for the critique

You are correct. I just read the first stanza again and it is obviously well connected. But, the second stanza is like a beautiful full-stop on a beautiful idea. The last stanza is written extremely well. The first (stanza) feels like it's been rushed to get there. Personally (as a rubbish poet) I would cut the first stanza and include more detail in the title.

[Semicircle]

I've reworked the first stanza and the narrative of it. Thanks for the suggestion KK.