Curtains

[ZHamilton]

She’s already awake when 
the morning sun splits the curtains.
She turns to the one beside her,
a single beam across his face.

The morning sun splits the curtains.
The days somehow stretch fore and aft.
A single beam across his face. 
Nothing light can show anew.

The days somehow stretch fore and aft
Rehearsal for an empty house. 
Her thoughts a hemisphere away. 
Lying in another bed. 

Rehearsal for an empty house. 
The motions now are all for show. 
And shows must go on-
on until the curtains close.

[Semicircle]

She’s already awake when 
the morning sun cleaves the curtains.
She turns to the one beside her,
a single beam across his face.

The morning sun cleaves the curtains.
The days somehow stretch fore and aft.        Like a rowboat, nice metaphor for passing time.
A single beam across his face. 
Nothing light can show anew.                       Show anew?

The days somehow stretch fore and aft
Rehearsal for an empty house. 
Her thoughts a hemisphere away.                    This line hits.
Another lies in another bed.                             "Another bed occupied"

Rehearsal for an empty house. 
The motions now are all for show. 
And shows, of course, shows must go on.       This repetition at the end is hammy. Don't need it. 
On until the curtains close.

Line repetition is this poem's best quality, so an effort to slice anything that stumbles a little or makes you think twice really heightens its readability.

There's a lot to like in this piece, I like it more every time I read it.

[TranquillityBase]

She’s already awake when 
the morning sun cleaves the curtains.   finds cracks in?  fragments?  the sun isn't actually parting the curtains as "cleave" would imply
She turns to the one beside her,
a single beam across his face.

The morning sun cleaves the curtains.
The days somehow stretch fore and aft.  before and after?   fore and aft, with its nautical implications, doesn't seem to fit to me
A single beam across his face. 
Nothing light can show anew.  is new?  

The days somehow stretch fore and aft
Rehearsal for an empty house. 
Her thoughts a hemisphere away. 
Another lies in another bed.                   

Rehearsal for an empty house. 
The motions now are all for show. 
And shows, of course, shows must go on. 
On until the curtains close.

I really like the repetition....I've made some suggestions on word choices.  It flows well to a nice closing line.

TqB

[ZHamilton]

She’s already awake when 
the morning sun cleaves the curtains.
She turns to the one beside her,
a single beam across his face.

The morning sun cleaves the curtains.
The days somehow stretch fore and aft.        Like a rowboat, nice metaphor for passing time.
A single beam across his face. 
Nothing light can show anew.                       Show anew?

The days somehow stretch fore and aft
Rehearsal for an empty house. 
Her thoughts a hemisphere away.                    This line hits.
Another lies in another bed.                             "Another bed occupied"

Rehearsal for an empty house. 
The motions now are all for show. 
And shows, of course, shows must go on.       This repetition at the end is hammy. Don't need it. 
On until the curtains close.

Line repetition is this poem's best quality, so an effort to slice anything that stumbles a little or makes you think twice really heightens its readability.

There's a lot to like in this piece, I like it more every time I read it.

Thanks, SC. Made some edits based on suggestions. Appreciate the read.

---

She’s already awake when 
the morning sun cleaves the curtains.   finds cracks in?  fragments?  the sun isn't actually parting the curtains as "cleave" would imply
She turns to the one beside her,
a single beam across his face.

The morning sun cleaves the curtains.
The days somehow stretch fore and aft.  before and after?   fore and aft, with its nautical implications, doesn't seem to fit to me
A single beam across his face. 
Nothing light can show anew.  is new?  

The days somehow stretch fore and aft
Rehearsal for an empty house. 
Her thoughts a hemisphere away. 
Another lies in another bed.                   

Rehearsal for an empty house. 
The motions now are all for show. 
And shows, of course, shows must go on. 
On until the curtains close.

I really like the repetition....I've made some suggestions on word choices.  It flows well to a nice closing line.

TqB

Thanks, TqB. I've been working with this repetitive style (a broken pantome, in this case) a good deal recently. Agree that "cleave" was too strong for the scene. I appreciate the edits!