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Tempted by the healthy hand
that leads to smooth departure.
Contemplations resting at the bottom of
clairvoyant liquor.
Whether luck has struck its cord--
a matter of conjecture.
The walk alone proves
my settlement--
you should've known better.
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(09-21-2022, 05:06 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Tempted by the healthy hand. I like the alliteration here, but healthy hand seems to conflict with what comes next. Haunted hand? Or similar? Or is someone else pouring him the drink?
that leads to smooth departure.
Contemplations resting at the bottom of
clairvoyant liquor. I enjoyed the word choice and sense you were aiming to avoid "bottom of a bottle" cliche, but it does deviate, somewhat distractingly, from the rhythm of the first stanza.
Whether luck has struck its cord-- "chord" assuming the allusion is to the musical term and not to a physical cord.
a matter of conjecture.
The walk alone proves
my settlement--
you should've known better.
SC- The iambic pentameter is well constructed in the 14 syllable opening stanza. Consider whether to modify following lines to match. My sense is that it would strengthen the piece. Even if you choose not to stay in strict iambic pentameter, keeping the syllable count consistent will contribute significantly to the readability of the piece. Enjoyed the read- thanks!
"What I want in poetry is a kind of abstract photography of the nerves, but what I like in photography is the poetry of literal pictures of the neighborhood." -John Koethe
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I'm having difficulty understanding (or feeling) this poem, it could be that I'm a dense reader. I wonder if you're not making things more obscure than you need to. I've given my understanding of a few lines below; sorry I couldn't give any more concrete feedback! Thanks for sharing.
(09-21-2022, 05:06 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Tempted by the healthy hand Can't read this without thinking of that song "Tempted by the fruit of another" haha, otherwise... ok we are at a hotel bar, the healthy hand is the serving hand? serving alcohol?
that leads to smooth departure. smooth departure is the feeling of being drunk? Departing from worries etc.
Contemplations resting at the bottom of
clairvoyant liquor. I like clairvoyant liquor, the words sound pretty, and I imagine looking into a milky cauldron, or the hazy eyes of a seer. The narrator is drinking and contemplative.
Whether luck has struck its cord-- Here is where I get lost, I'm not sure what this conjecture is, or the role luck is playing? That and the syntax just reads a bit clunky?
a matter of conjecture.
The walk alone proves
my settlement--
you should've known better.
