Posts: 295
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
Your voice and body, wanting.
I reach, willing and offering.
You stay at fingertip’s distance, watching.
We’ve had this conversation before.
Eyes meet. What's changed?
You allow my touch,
places caressed, now
body humming.
I love,
not knowing when
sharp things might come.
Posts: 24
Threads: 7
Joined: Aug 2022
The push and pull of the dynamic between the two is well constructed. One suggestion: I got hung up on the last stanza a bit with the two uses of know/knowing. Maybe “I remember” or “I surrender to…” Enjoyed the read. Cheers!
"What I want in poetry is a kind of abstract photography of the nerves, but what I like in photography is the poetry of literal pictures of the neighborhood." -John Koethe
Posts: 295
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
(09-21-2022, 09:08 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: The push and pull of the dynamic between the two is well constructed. One suggestion: I got hung up on the last stanza a bit with the two uses of know/knowing. Maybe “I remember” or “I surrender to…” Enjoyed the read. Cheers!
Yes, good catch. Thanks
bryn
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(09-21-2022, 07:46 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: You come to me with a voice and a body, wanting.
I reach for you willing, offering.
You stay at finger tip’s distance, watching.
We’ve had this conversation before. This line feels odd to me. I'd rather read how you responded to the "fingertip distance", the "watching".
You make eye contact. I am not sure
what has changed. Now you allow
my touch, all your places caressed; body
humming, eyes slitted in pleasure.
I feel the thrill of loving, not knowing "thrill of loving" seems cliche to me. Is it really only a thrill? Isn't our greatest hope, not to be alone, involved?
when sharp things might come.
The poem leads nicely (my two objections aside) to a very powerful last line.
TqB
Posts: 590
Threads: 117
Joined: Jun 2015
Hi Steve
Some in-line suggestions. Changed only with a green "r", and subtracted a couple words:
Your voice and body, wanting.
I reach, willing, and offering
at finger distance, watching.
We’ve had this conversation before.
Eye contact. Not sure
what changed. Now you allow
touch, places caressed; body
humming.
The thrill of loving, not knowing
when sharp things might come.
Posts: 295
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
(09-22-2022, 05:37 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (09-21-2022, 07:46 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: You come to me with a voice and a body, wanting.
I reach for you willing, offering.
You stay at finger tip’s distance, watching.
We’ve had this conversation before. This line feels odd to me. I'd rather read how you responded to the "fingertip distance", the "watching". This is a little jarring to convey the frustration of the repeated behavior. Although, it was a little subconscious at the time.
You make eye contact. I am not sure
what has changed. Now you allow
my touch, all your places caressed; body
humming, eyes slitted in pleasure.
I feel the thrill of loving, not knowing "thrill of loving" seems cliche to me. Is it really only a thrill? Isn't our greatest hope, not to be alone, involved?
when sharp things might come.
The poem leads nicely (my two objections aside) to a very powerful last line.
TqB TqB,
Thanks for your read and input. You are right about the cliche. Though they are seductive. I have made some changes with that in mind.
(09-22-2022, 06:08 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Steve
Some in-line suggestions. Changed only with a green "r", and subtracted a couple words:
Your voice and body, wanting.
I reach, willing, and offering
at finger distance, watching. This edit changes the meaning of the line too much for me
We’ve had this conversation before.
Eye contact. Not sure
what changed. Now you allow
touch, places caressed; body
humming.
The thrill of loving, not knowing
when sharp things might come. Hi Mark,
Thanks for reading and commenting. I have made changes, and even additional cuts, with the exception noted above.
Take care,
steve
|
