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This is from NaPM 2015. I always liked it, but a few issues I never resolved were the repetition of the word "wasn't" in lines 1 and 2, and the shoddy punctuation throughout.
Flattened (Retro)
It wasn’t the scenic route.
There wasn’t one.
In Saskatchewan, the earth is still flat—
ask the locals.
We rolled west over beige carpet,
where the sun sets from noon ‘til midnight.
It would burn your eyes out
if it weren’t for the bugs;
specimens like you see pinned in museums—
exploding on the windshield, diffusing the light.
In shifts, we scraped bloody windows
or rested bloody eyes.
Tomorrow, there would be mountains to climb.
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(09-02-2022, 06:20 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: This is from NaPM 2015. I always liked it, but a few issues I never resolved were the repetition of the word "wasn't" in lines 1 and 2, and the shoddy punctuation throughout.
Flattened (Retro)
It wasn’t the scenic route. Wouldn't start with 'it'
There wasn’t one. Pretty weak sentence.
In Saskatchewan, the earth is still flat—
ask the locals. Are the locals Saskatchewan or talking about saskatchewan
We rolled west over beige carpet,
where the sun sets from noon ‘til midnight. These two lines are pretty great,
It would burn your eyes out
if it weren’t for the bugs; 'it' again, this time more a country feel though so I dunno
specimens like you see pinned in museums— this description I understand, but specifying pinned then exploding, maybe specimens like 'exhibited'
exploding on the windshield, diffusing the light.
In shifts, we scraped bloody windows
or rested bloody eyes.
Tomorrow, there would be mountains to climb.
Neat road trip idea, reminds me of fear and loathing in Las Vegas a bit,
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Flattened (Retro)
It wasn’t the scenic route.
There wasn’t one. -- indeed
In Saskatchewan, the earth is still flat— Still?
ask the locals. -- I read this as low-key shade for the state of education in rural Saskatchewan.
We rolled west over beige carpet, -- wheat? alfalfa? dry grass? Just curious.
where the sun sets from noon ‘til midnight.
It would burn your eyes out -- how would a perpetual sunset burn out the eyes? Perhaps you mean that the sun was a-blaze from noon till midnight...?
if it weren’t for the bugs;
specimens like you see pinned in museums—
exploding on the windshield, diffusing the light. -- gross and vivid
In shifts, we scraped bloody windows
or rested bloody eyes.
Tomorrow, there would be mountains to climb.
I wish the piece was longer -- I imagine you have numerous anecdotes from the northern latitudes that would delight and disgust. A road trip is a good way to unfurl a narrative...
Posts: 894
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(09-02-2022, 06:20 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: This is from NaPM 2015. I always liked it, but a few issues I never resolved were the repetition of the word "wasn't" in lines 1 and 2, and the shoddy punctuation throughout.
Flattened (Retro)
It wasn’t the scenic route.
There wasn’t one.
In Saskatchewan, the earth is still flat—
ask the locals.
We rolled west over beige carpet, beige is kind of boring, but maybe that's the point
where the sun sets from noon ‘til midnight.
It would burn your eyes out
if it weren’t for the bugs;
specimens like you see pinned in museums—
exploding on the windshield, diffusing the light.
In shifts, we scraped bloody windows do the bugs have red guts; my experience is that it's more a yellow/green glaze?
or rested bloody eyes.
Tomorrow, there would be mountains to climb.
Other than my two notes, I really enjoyed reading this over and over.
