Disappearance (Edit)

[CRNDLSM]

Edit 1

One more thing before you leave
don't go messing with things 
you don't wanna be                             

Mama told me don't go
you know were gonna grow
I know I been down
where the ol' river flowed

As the story goes
Ol nick went out there on his own
He went out alone in the night time 
They found his row boat oh Lord
He never came home
how he died no one knows
they couldn't find anything


Oh Nick whered you go
He drowned according to authorities
He drowned somewhere underground
They sent out the hounds

You'll never go home 
oh Nick whered you go?
When you died you went out that night
No one by your side ones you leave behind
Whered you go Nick?
no one knows

they just know you died
Hope you find your way home


It's been a while since anyone has posted in intensive, this is a song I'm working on.  I'm working on it as in i read that a friend had died from high school and I improvised this back woods kinda dirge in response.  Even though it's relatively senseless, it evokes emotion in me .  It repeats so much I don't know how to sharpen it, I don't expect a line by line, but maybe someone else will post in intensive the share some feedback 


Original

One more thing before you leave
Don't go messing with anything 
You don't wanna be

Mama told me don't go
Mama told me don't go
And you know we gone grow
Told me don't go
You prolly don't grow
Your body don't blow oh
You don't grow
I know been down there ol edin flow
The bayou in the garwhew and avenue though
As the story goes
Ol nick went out there on his own in his row boat
He went out alone in the night time with no one at his side
They found his row boat oh Lord
He went out at night all alone in his row boat
And never came home his brothers called the authority
But they couldn't find anything his row boat was all alone
Now how he died no one knows he went out alone
In his rowboat
He told his brothers where he was going but he never came home
Oh Nick whered you go he went home
He went home when he died that night
He drowned according to authority
He drowned somewhere underground
They looked all around and no one found
Nick drowned and no one found him though they looked all around
They sent out the hounds he went underground
When he drowned now he's going home
 Never go home oh Nick where dyu go
When you died you went out that night
No one by yourside what you leave behind
Nick died he went out alone in his row boat
And he never came home
Where dyu go Nick no one knows
Where'd you go when you went out that night
No one by your side they just know you died
Hope you find your way home
Hope you find your way way way home.

[TranquillityBase]

One more thing before you leave
Don't go messing with anything 
You don't wanna be                                    maybe this should be the refrain?

Mama told me don't go
Mama told me don't go
And you know we gone grow            don't completely understand this line
Told me don't go
You prolly don't grow
Your body don't blow oh
You don't grow
I know been down there ol edin flow                       "ol edlin flow"?  
The bayou in the garwhew and avenue though
As the story goes
Ol nick went out there on his own in his row boat
He went out alone in the night time with no one at his side
They found his row boat oh Lord
He went out at night all alone in his row boat
And never came home his brothers called the authority
But they couldn't find anything his row boat was all alone
Now how he died no one knows he went out alone
In his rowboat
He told his brothers where he was going but he never came home
Oh Nick whered you go he went home
He went home when he died that night
He drowned according to authority
He drowned somewhere underground                  favorite line
They looked all around and no one found
Nick drowned and no one found him though they looked all around
They sent out the hounds he went underground
When he drowned now he's going home
 Never go home oh Nick where dyu go
When you died you went out that night
No one by yourside what you leave behind
Nick died he went out alone in his row boat
And he never came home
Where dyu go Nick no one knows
Where'd you go when you went out that night
No one by your side they just know you died
Hope you find your way home
Hope you find your way way way home.

CRNDLSM,

I have no idea how to critque song lyrics.  I've bolded what I see as the best lines, the essence of the song.  Hope this is of some help.

TqB

[CRNDLSM]

No way this is perfect, you found the bones, itll be a lot easier to tighten up here now. Thank you so much

[CRNDLSM]

I know I said edit 1 earlier I just copied your highlights while I had time, just made some more edits for a real edit 1, thanks again

[Lizzie]

Hey, Crundle. I read this sequentially at first and only saw your explanation of the story after the fact. So, I thought that Nick was Santa as I was reading it through, and it still worked, strangely enough. Kind of a "where did childhood go," dark take on the holidays. I'm assuming that, if you were to record this, there would be some kind of explainer about the story (there probably should be for folks like me). Anyway, overall impression is that, like you said, there's a lot of repetition. However, if the music slaps then repeat as much as you need to, assuming that there's enough interest musically to support that. I'm assuming you don't care about punctuation since it will be sung, so I won't touch that. 

Edit 1

One more thing before you leave
don't go messing with things 
you don't wanna be -- I'm assuming that the thing you don't want to be is dead? Otherwise, this is quite vague. The story starts in the next stanza. You could always add a little moral at the end if you wanted to.                             

Mama told me don't go
you know were gonna grow -- I'd like to see "go" repeated here. Like how moms tell you to do something, but you know you're gonna do it anyway. It would add to the cautionary tale message. I think that you mean that you're going to grow up, but that's kind of....obvious. 
I know I been down
where the ol' river flowed

As the story goes
Ol nick went out there on his own
He went out alone in the night time 
They found his row boat oh Lord
He never came home
how he died no one knows
they couldn't find anything -- but you go on to say that they do know what happened. He drowned and it was underground, and they're presumably basing that on some kind of evidence. So it's not like he just mysteriously disappeared into the shadow. Probably felt like that to those left behind, but I think you need to say that it felt like that, because there seems to be a contradiction in the story. 


Oh Nick whered you go
He drowned according to authorities
He drowned somewhere underground -- this is a good line. You give the facts, but the underground part is haunting. Reinforces the shrouded feeling around the details of the death. 
They sent out the hounds -- This is too much of a stock phrase. Especially in the middle of a sad story, it sounds flippant. Also, a little comical because of the well known phrase "release the hounds" from the Simpsons. 

You'll never go home -- come home, maybe? 
oh Nick whered you go? 
When you died you went out that night
No one by your side ones you leave behind -- you're missing some words in here, I think. Couple of lines jammed together? 
Whered you go Nick?
no one knows 

they just know you died -- I would cut this because we know by this point that he's dead. The repetition of the question of "where did you go" isn't grating because the questions of what happens after death always persist. And sometimes we say why when we really mean, "I don't want this to be happening."
Hope you find your way home -- Great ending. Hopeful and sad. It's perfect. 

Hope this is helpful in some way. All the best with it. 

Lizzie

[Knot]

Hi CRNDLSM,

like the idea (and I quite liked what I could follow of the vernacular original) but it seems a bit confused, feels like there's one point of view too many here. And I found the lack of specific details made it hard to get a handle on the piece.
Consider
He went out alone in the night time
They found his row boat oh Lord

After midnight? Early evening? Winter? Summer? What day of the week?
And where is this ... lake? River?

I liked this in the original

He drowned according to authority

But there's nothing as to the 'why' of things here (for me.) Accident? Suicide? Murder? The title suggests accident or murder, but it would help to include something that says he went out (perhaps to do something in particular) with the intention of returning ... which would lead to your last line (which I also like.)
But then the opening three lines say he might have somehow brought this upon himself. Need more details!

Are you looking to 'tell the story' or something else?



Best, Knot


.

[CRNDLSM]

Thank you so much for bringing this back, there's a lot more to digest here, not sure I want to tell the story either since I already tell a lot of stories, I will definitely come back to this now.

[CRNDLSM]

Oh, where do I even start with your latest “masterpiece”? This poem is a staggering achievement in the art of making something incredibly forgettable. It’s almost as if you set out to create the most unremarkable verse possible—and, congratulations, you’ve succeeded beyond all expectations.
Thanks Collapsed, I'd hardly call it a masterpiece though

Your tone is a marvel of inconsistency. One moment you’re having a casual chat, and the next, you’re trying to deliver a deeply moving reflection. It’s almost impressive how you’ve managed to confuse these two approaches so thoroughly. Bravo for that remarkable feat of disjointedness.
Yes the loss of someone can be disjointing


And let’s talk about your love for repetition. The way you keep asking, “Oh Nick whered you go?” as if saying it over and over will somehow add depth or meaning is truly something. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. It just makes the reader want to scream, “We got it the first time!”
Repetition is tough to deal with, I only started trying to use it when I found this site, lots of forms are rigid with their repetition, I was going for haphazard


Your poem’s ability to wander aimlessly is truly an art form. It’s like you’ve perfected the art of going nowhere with impressive flair. The lack of structure is almost liberating, allowing your poem to drift without any hint of direction or purpose. It’s free verse at its most unfocused. 

The musical accompaniment is exactly that as well, 13/8

The imagery in your work is as vivid as a foggy night during a blackout. Lines like “Ol Nick went out there on his own” are so bland and vague that they make a blank wall look like a work of art. I can only assume you were going for minimalism, but it feels more like a complete lack of effort.
Yes that's why it's in intensive, to figure out how to deliver these things better.

The grammatical and spelling errors are a delightful touch. Who knew that “whered” and “ones” could become such charming quirks? It’s almost as if you deliberately avoided proper punctuation and spelling to make your poem even more enigmatic.
Right you can hear it

Your narrative is a masterclass in ambiguity. If your goal was to make me utterly baffled about who Nick is, why he matters, or what happened to him, then you’ve absolutely nailed it. The lack of context is a bold choice—one that leaves the reader wandering in a state of confusion.
Nick drowned it says it in the middle

And let’s not forget your attempt at evoking emotion, which is about as successful as a lead balloon. The themes of loss and mystery are handled with all the depth of a kiddie pool, leaving the reader feeling more puzzled than moved.
You got the themes though,  what are you puzzled about

In short, your poem is a shining example of how to miss the mark on every front. If you’re looking for a prime illustration of doing the absolute minimum, look no further. You’ve truly outdone yourself.

The mark was literally 'how do I carve this nonsense into something decent' and I took advice, you havnt given any advice so I'm assuming you don't know how to carve this slab into something beautiful, something I admit I'm working on, here in intensive, so while I would thank you for the time, you clearly didn't spend any