Magnified (Retro)

[Semicircle]

Translucent hand

window:

flowers from moondust--

nebulous terror--

shadows miles away

walk inside

and never leave

[busker]

I had a translucent hand,
that revealed truths
when I looked through it;
a window
to another world
where flowers sprouted from
moon dust
and burned eternally.

But then I woke up,
and my hand was opaque.

I like the image of a translucent hand like a window and flowers sprouting from moon dust, followed by the surprise of their burning. It achieves a level of surrealism.
However, the lines are too regular in the first 3, and read like a single sentence just broken into three separate lines. The pauses are not where they should be.
I'd prefer to combine L3 and L3. 
Similarly, L6 and L7 should be combined.

The second strophe is not quite there. After moondust-sprung flowers burning, the ending feels disconnected. The default assumption is that all this is too fantastic to be true, and when you say that it was too fantastic to be true, it's hardly unexpected. There's no payoff.

As an example, take this poem by Yeats. It starts off with a nice image, builds it into something other wordly, but the anticlimax in the end is clever. There's enterprise in walking naked, i.e. in having your own original voice rather than one orchestrated from various secondhand sources. This is payoff.

I made my song a coat 
Covered with embroideries 
Out of old mythologies 
From heel to throat; 
But the fools caught it, 
Wore it in the world’s eyes 
As though they’d wrought it. 
Song, let them take it
For there’s more enterprise 
In walking naked.

[Semicircle]

I had a translucent hand,
that revealed truths
when I looked through it;
a window
to another world
where flowers sprouted from
moon dust
and burned eternally.

But then I woke up,
and my hand was opaque.

I like the image of a translucent hand like a window and flowers sprouting from moon dust, followed by the surprise of their burning. It achieves a level of surrealism.
However, the lines are too regular in the first 3, and read like a single sentence just broken into three separate lines. The pauses are not where they should be.
I'd prefer to combine L3 and L3. 
Similarly, L6 and L7 should be combined.

The second strophe is not quite there. After moondust-sprung flowers burning, the ending feels disconnected. The default assumption is that all this is too fantastic to be true, and when you say that it was too fantastic to be true, it's hardly unexpected. There's no payoff.

As an example, take this poem by Yeats. It starts off with a nice image, builds it into something other wordly, but the anticlimax in the end is clever. There's enterprise in walking naked, i.e. in having your own original voice rather than one orchestrated from various secondhand sources. This is payoff.

I made my song a coat 
Covered with embroideries 
Out of old mythologies 
From heel to throat; 
But the fools caught it, 
Wore it in the world’s eyes 
As though they’d wrought it. 
Song, let them take it
For there’s more enterprise 
In walking naked.

Woah, that's very helpful.

I gotta commend your ability to critique
with a light touch
so the writer can decide where to go with their poem.

I will adjust accordingly.

Thanks,
Sc.

[Semicircle]

I had to go through a couple crappy endings
but I think I've got it.

[TranquillityBase]

I had a translucent hand,
that revealed truths when I looked through it;
a window
to another world
where flowers sprouted from moon dust
and burned eternally.

Then I woke up,
and it was still there.

I think it would be even better without those final lines.  And I think you could lose line 4, since clearly the image seen through the translucent hand is of another world.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Semi C-

I suggest going with present tense

I had a translucent hand, A different way to introduce this may help.
that revealed truths when I looked through it;  Maybe "revealing"? I think another word for "truths", eg "mysteries"?

a window  white space could set apart "a window"

where flowers sprouted from moon dust
and burned eternally.  "eternally" adds little, for me, at least, since it's such a vague concept

?????  You need a concluding thought here.  A guess at what is revealed?  As it is, the poem ends too abruptly for me to have an impact. If yer gonna go surreal, might as well go all the way...

...Mark

[Semicircle]

Thank you, for the critiques guys.

I don't think I could pull off what your poem showed me Busker,
although, that was very helpful
so I just decided to go surreal with it.

[Semicircle]

Bump message

[brynmawr1]

Translucent hand

window:

flowers from moondust--

nebulous terror--

shadows miles away

walk inside

and never leave

Hi Sc,
Personally I think you had a nice poem going with the original that just needed some rearranging as the images are great.  Made some suggestions below to work with.
Hope you find them useful.
steve

I had a translucent hand,     might be good to introduce idea of dream state of some kind in first line more explicitly
that revealed truths            link "truths" to the burning (better descriptor than eternal as mark suggested) by moving to end of stanza
when I looked through it;     implied by window
a window
to another world
where flowers sprouted from     need more specific imagery around "flower" and "moon dust"
moon dust
and burned eternally.

But then I woke up,                the ideas here are good just need to link tonally to the first stanza, ie also have a surreal quality to the language.
and my hand was opaque.

[Tiger the Lion]

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