Posts: 247
Threads: 131
Joined: Feb 2022
Hot flash
residual whispers:
“Only”
“Only”
Limbs restrained “Only”
light penetrates chest “Only”
“Only”
“Only”
Pierced lens “Only”
drains out another “Only”
“Only"
"Only"
False barrier “Only”
spilling from its breast “Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
"Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
"Only"
"Only"
Posts: 692
Threads: 363
Joined: May 2014
(08-17-2022, 05:44 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Hot flash
residual whispers:
“Only”
“Only”
Limbs restrained “Only”
light penetrates chest “Only”
“Only”
“Only”
Broken lens “Only”
drains out the other “Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
"Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
"Only"
"Only"
I can't quite determine what "the other" refers to. I do like the presentation. Funny how if you look at a common word too long, or say it too many times, it almost loses meaning. I nearly had to spellcheck "only" after looking upon it too long.
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I did that too! The tedium of language would make for a poem in itself.
Telepathy is obviously better
Posts: 878
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I don't understand what you're saying, but the format, image, is beautiful. Reminds me of a 'quarter-rest' in music notation
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 247
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Thanks for the critiques you guys, I often like the crutch of being vague. I'll do some editing.
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(08-17-2022, 09:25 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Thanks for the critiques you guys, I often like the crutch of being vague. I'll do some editing.
maybe you can use the title to provide some context without having to manipulate the poem too much.
take care,
bryn
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(08-17-2022, 09:55 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: (08-17-2022, 09:25 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Thanks for the critiques you guys, I often like the crutch of being vague. I'll do some editing.
maybe you can use the title to provide some context without having to manipulate the poem too much.
take care,
bryn
I gave it my best, thanks for the advice.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
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(08-17-2022, 05:44 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Hot flash
residual whispers:
“Only”
“Only”
Limbs restrained “Only”
light penetrates chest “Only”
“Only”
“Only”
Pierced lens “Only”
drains out another “Only”
“Only"
"Only"
False barrier “Only”
spilling from its breast “Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
"Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
“Only”
"Only"
"Only"
I somehow missed this one. A very interesting read. Keep experimenting!