anne boleyn did on tower green what I did for you in your room

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

It was the way you combed my hair, after,
ends-up instead of yanked-down,
fingers trailing soft across my nape
- like they did across my face -
softer than how you kissed,
softer than how your scent pressed into my skin,
but not softer than the way you looked at me.

Because you don’t know this but it has felt
so long
since my heart has known something
beside the taste of concrete
since I have cradled myself with something
other than a boxcutter.
But you looked at me like I was the last true mouthpiece,
and for once I didn’t hate looking into someone’s eyes.
But you smiled at me,
and for once I felt like I didn’t have to earn one.

So I sat there,
with your comb running through my hair and your hands running down my back, exposed.
And every stroke felt like a promise you didn’t mind making,
like a secret I didn’t mind sharing.

All this to say: It has been a long time since anyone combed my hair.

[rowens]

I don't know the context. I know Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansome the way Cher from Clueless knows Hamlet through Mel Gibson.

Context-deficited, here:

It was the way you combed my hair, after,

the position of after is either thinking afterward or a disconnection of the moment or otherwise

ends-up instead of yanked-down,

a lot of thought puts hyphens into immediate things


fingers trailing soft across my nape

how tender


- like they did across my face -
softer than how you kissed,
softer than how your scent pressed into my skin,

hard seems prescient 

but not softer than the way you looked at me.

Ho! ho!

Because you don’t now this but it has felt

Sorry. I'm being playful. But a typo?


so long
since my heart has known something
beside the taste of concrete

besides would be more prescient here, am I using that term correctly?

since I have cradled myself with something
other than a boxcutter.

I find this offensive. I'm kidding. You have to consider, however, the way you use images.



But you looked at me like I was the last true mouthpiece,

But?! After all this, But?


and for once I didn’t hate looking into someone’s eyes.
But you smiled at me,
and for once I felt like I didn’t have to earn one.


Have to earn one. That was a well way to end that segment of the poem. It sounds personal and outside of what is known. A direct statement to someONE. Which I'm only saying about. 


So I sat there,
with your comb running through my hair and your hands running down my back, exposed.

Sounds a cry for intersexualizationally understanding.


And every stroke felt like a promise you didn’t mind making,
like a secret I didn’t mind sharing.

Stroke isn't used to its full potential. Secret, neither. 
And this is how poetry critiques work.


All this to say:  It has been a long time since anyone combed my hair.

You ended strongly.

Writing a lot of building up to a strong ending is what this poem lacks. 
And, of course, I'm carelessly missing the context.

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

I don't know the context. I know Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansome the way Cher from Clueless knows Hamlet through Mel Gibson.

Context-deficited, here:

It was the way you combed my hair, after,

the position of after is either thinking afterward or a disconnection of the moment or otherwise

ends-up instead of yanked-down,

a lot of thought puts hyphens into immediate things


fingers trailing soft across my nape

how tender


- like they did across my face -
softer than how you kissed,
softer than how your scent pressed into my skin,

hard seems prescient 

but not softer than the way you looked at me.

Ho! ho!

Because you don’t now this but it has felt

Sorry. I'm being playful. But a typo?


so long
since my heart has known something
beside the taste of concrete

besides would be more prescient here, am I using that term correctly?

since I have cradled myself with something
other than a boxcutter.

I find this offensive. I'm kidding. You have to consider, however, the way you use images.



But you looked at me like I was the last true mouthpiece,

But?! After all this, But?


and for once I didn’t hate looking into someone’s eyes.
But you smiled at me,
and for once I felt like I didn’t have to earn one.


Have to earn one. That was a well way to end that segment of the poem. It sounds personal and outside of what is known. A direct statement to someONE. Which I'm only saying about. 


So I sat there,
with your comb running through my hair and your hands running down my back, exposed.

Sounds a cry for intersexualizationally understanding.


And every stroke felt like a promise you didn’t mind making,
like a secret I didn’t mind sharing.

Stroke isn't used to its full potential. Secret, neither. 
And this is how poetry critiques work.


All this to say:  It has been a long time since anyone combed my hair.

You ended strongly.

Writing a lot of building up to a strong ending is what this poem lacks. 
And, of course, I'm carelessly missing the context.

Thanks for your review! I just have a few questions.

1. What were you trying to say by referencing Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson?

2. "Prescient" means "knowing something before it happens," so I don't think that was the word you were trying to use both times you used it. Did you mean "precise"?

3. Did you say "Ho! ho!" as in like "aha!" or were you calling me a ho?

4. I used the word boxcutter on purpose, the way it sounds like it would have been meant, for personal reasons.

5. I'm not sure what you mean by, "After all this, But?"

6. Also not sure what you mean by "intersexualizationally understanding"

I'm happy for the critique and I've gone back to correct my typo but ultimately I'm not sure if this IS how poetry critiques work if the context was, by your own admission, "carelessly" missed.

[rowens]

Thanks for your review!  I just have a few questions.

1. What were you trying to say by referencing Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson?

A movie where I heard the name Boleyn





2. "Prescient" means "knowing something before it happens," so I don't think that was the word you were trying to use both times you used it.  Did you mean "precise"?


There is a word that means something like 'present' and 'current' and 'precise' and 'topical' all together. This word exists. I may have heard it in a dream.



3.  Did you say "Ho!  ho!" as in like "aha!" or were you calling me a ho?


I was making a general statement of expression. As I think you are. If you are a ho, can I have your number?




4.  I used the word boxcutter on purpose, the way it sounds like it would have been meant, for personal reasons.

That happens. I often say things that are personal. It's a matter of before and after tropes.


5.  I'm not sure what you mean by, "After all this, But?"

I wonder about the word "But".


6.  Also not sure what you mean by "intersexualizationally understanding"

I made that word up in the heat of reading your poem.

I'm happy for the critique and I've gone back to correct my typo but ultimately I'm not sure if this IS how poetry critiques work if the context was, by your own admission, "carelessly" missed.

I am giving you my critique. As you gave me your poem. I have no authority over your poem. Only my critique. 
You are the god of your art. 
My critique is only the listening to of doubt.

[brynmawr1]

It was the way you combed my hair, after,            I like the "after" as it sets up some tension/expectation, the issue is that it isn't resolved.
ends-up instead of yanked-down,
fingers trailing soft across my nape
- like they did across my face -
softer than how you kissed,
softer than how your scent pressed into my skin,
but not softer than the way you looked at me.          this first stanza is strong with good feel and set up.

Because you don’t know this but it has felt                I have highlighted these words because they confuse me.  Not clear what they refer to, again unresolved tension.
so long
since my heart has known something
beside the taste of concrete
since I have cradled myself with something
other than a boxcutter.
But you looked at me like I was the last true mouthpiece,   A lyric from "Take me to church" by Hosier so may be a little cliche.
and for once I didn’t hate looking into someone’s eyes.
But you smiled at me,
and for once I felt like I didn’t have to earn one.

So I sat there,
with your comb running through my hair and your hands running down my back, exposed.
And every stroke felt like a promise you didn’t mind making,
like a secret I didn’t mind sharing.                     I like these last two lines

All this to say:  It has been a long time since anyone combed my hair.

Hello,
I think the poem works overall.  I have just pointed out some of my perceived weaknesses and strengths with the poem above.
Thanks,
Bryn