Turned and saw the scattered desert houses;
Sky-stapled sun drool heat, baked landscape,
My sand-sunken path, erased, and god knows
Where those tumbleweeds shall somersault to.
That's it so far. Note that, just for fun, I restricted myself from using the letter "I" in this poem. Have at it.
Wow, I need to remodel this.
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02-19-2011, 08:30 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-19-2011, 08:31 AM by billy.)
well there's not a lot to have at it with really,
but what we do have is a great beginnings of a good poem or a really decent
short form poem.
the title as show, can be used to great effect. (why not make a certain kind of snake?)
while i liked 'sky-stapled sun', the 'drool heat' part felt a little off
the last two lines were excellent though would a snake think of God?
do snakes have a god hehe., i suppose they could have if they're thinking snakes.
all in all it's good but i would love to see at least two or three more quatrains.
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The word "drool" in the second line seems unecessary, but other than that this is a brilliant short poem. Evocative and sharp as a tack. Thanks for the read Lawrence.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
