Draft 2: Moment Cycle Wash (Petrarchan Sonnet)

[alonso ramoran]

We blinked like sleep could be denied
while bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor
and lavendered with dreams the sky you wore,
rinsed sand away, as castles by the tide.
Sidereal then and lunar now collide,
unseen by us; we heard it as the roar
of laundry drowning out a nascent shore,
where vivid shades of blue could not abide.

Clouds dissipated in the gentle song
of chimes, revealing the bleach stain of moon
that you had shown me from your backseat gaze.
And would that I could watch you play along
the seagull's span a little longer, noon
forgets us as an untaut clothesline sways.

Draft 1: Moment Cycle Wash

We blinked like sleep could be denied
while bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor
and lavendered with dreams the sky you wore,
rinsed sand away, as castles by the tide.
Sidereal then and lunar now collide,
unseen by us; we heard it as the roar
of laundry drowning out a nascent shore,
where vivid shades of blue could not abide.

Clouds dissipated in the clement song
of moving chimes, revealing last night's moon
through questions sprouted from your backseat gaze.
And would that I could watch you play along
the seagull's span a little longer, noon
forgets us as an untaut clothesline sways.

[rowens]

We blinked like sleep could be denied
while bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor


While/when are big deals. You chose correctly as far as I can see. 


and lavendered with dreams the sky you wore,
rinsed sand away, as castles by the tide.
Sidereal then and lunar now collide,
unseen by us; we heard it as the roar
of laundry drowning out a nascent shore,

The titular subject matter, in this case: laundry related things, are always right on the the cusp of plus and minus in things/poems like this.



where vivid shades of blue could not abide.

Clouds dissipated in the clement song


These two lines, and the space between, are well done. 
Some things need no explanation.



of moving chimes, revealing last night's moon


The chimes are right. The blue and the clouds. The ocean. No mention of wind or any circulating quality is wise here.

The moon, and I made a space in my critique on purpose, is better left absent here, too, as the wind. The noon
in its offrhyme takes the moon's presence here.

through questions sprouted from your backseat gaze.

And maybe I'm the only one who attests that the unmentioned moon is obvious in the halfrhymed noon and the backseat gaze.  



And would that I could watch you play along
the seagull's span a little longer, noon


I', not you, but me, d take out the word noon here
and leave the last line as it is. The whole stanza, except for that word. 

forgets us as an untaut clothesline sways.

[busker]

We blinked like sleep could be denied
while bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor
and lavendered with dreams the sky you wore,
rinsed sand away, as castles by the tide.
Sidereal then and lunar now collide,
unseen by us; we heard it as the roar
of laundry drowning out a nascent shore,
where vivid shades of blue could not abide.

Clouds dissipated in the clement song
of moving chimes, revealing last night's moon
through questions sprouted from your backseat gaze.
And would that I could watch you play along
the seagull's span a little longer, noon
forgets us as an untaut clothesline sways.

How can a song be “clement”? 
“Moving chimes” seems redundant, like “breathing leopard”
The moon is revealed from a sprouted question from a gaze? The metaphor is quite confused there

I can make sense of the individual lines - I think - and that’s about it

My suggestion would be to tell the story first, and worry about how to make it rhyme, later

[alonso ramoran]

busker, rowens,

Thank you for the feedback. Rowens, I wasn't too sure about what your comments on the noon/moon rhyme meant and how noon implies the moon through its rhyme, so I kept those rhymes for this draft at least. I can make changes in future rewrites if you clarify and I happen to agree with you.

Best,
Alex

[rowens]

I was making a joke.
The backseat gaze is the moon.
So backseat rhymes with noon in a reality that is jovial.

[alonso ramoran]

I was making a joke.
The backseat gaze is the moon.
So backseat rhymes with noon in a reality that is jovial.

Ohhh   my fault, stuff like that just goes over my head sometimes