out of my element

[hebrewhammer2]

im out of my element
is it cuz im elevated ?
or is it the elephant
all up in the room - with my silver spoon
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom
instead of my heart and my mind living in doom
in the middle my brain was expanded - was it the shrooms?
was it being the groom or the new dad in the room
or the only cracker sitting all up in the tomb
the only jew in a sea of christianity being consumed
they drink all they can handle i just wanna gamble
i live for the loss im sick of the boss im sly as a fox
i live for the box the one with no label
a sucker for surprises in high rises
searchin for bibles that have no titles
questions without answers
partners without dancers
stars without cancers
fortunes without tellers
houses without cellars
selling rain to umbrellas
im a buyer -long as theres no Sellers

[busker]

im out of my element
is it  cuz im elevated ?
or is it the elephant
all up in the room - with my silver spoon
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom
instead of my heart and my mind living in  doom
in the middle my brain was expanded - was it the shrooms?
was it being the groom or the new dad in the room
or the only cracker sitting all up in the tomb
the only jew in a sea of christianity being consumed
they drink all they can handle i just wanna gamble
i live for the loss im sick of the boss im sly as a fox
i live for the box the one with no label
a sucker for surprises in high rises
searchin for bibles that have no titles
questions without answers
partners without dancers
stars without cancers
fortunes without tellers
houses without cellars
selling rain to umbrellas
im a buyer -long as theres no Sellers

This, like most of what passes for 'rap music', is just a string of random rhymes.

partners without dancers
stars without cancers
Phyrgian necromancers
Sherman to my panzers
King Edward's lancers
questions without answers
Aryas without Sansas....

and I could go on forever
you see my point?

[hebrewhammer2]

thats a pretty lazy piece of feedback - and also very dumbed down - thats the problem woth critiquing poetry - what is “ random rhymes” to one person ( a person that does not know or attempt to understand where the writer is coming from) is a meaninful string of thought and feeling captured at a moment of reflection for the writer - I assume youre not a fan of “ rap music” and took this oppurtunity to give lazy feedback and jab at it which this is obviously isnt theres no chorus music or anything - it just happens to rhyme - pretty surprised i thought this was a serious site

thanks for stopping by

[Quixilated]

thats a pretty lazy piece of feedback - and also very dumbed down - thats the problem woth critiquing poetry - what is “ random rhymes” to one person ( a person that does not know or attempt to understand where the writer is coming from) is a meaninful string of thought and feeling captured at a moment of reflection for the writer - I assume youre not a fan of “ rap music” and took this oppurtunity to give lazy feedback and jab at it  which this is obviously isnt theres no chorus music or anything - it just happens to rhyme - pretty surprised i thought this was a serious site

thanks for stopping by

Please take a moment to read our rules. http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/misc.php?action=help&hid=12 Never complain or argue with feedback given.  Never critique the feedback. You don't have to agree with or like the feedback you receive, but you may not complain when someone takes the time to comment on your poem.  If you think a piece of feedback breaks our forum rules, then bring it to the attention of the moderators and we will deal with it according to site policies.  Even if you don't like the feedback, the appropriate response is still to say 'thank you for taking the time to comment.'  Not everyone will like or 'get' your poem.  Use the comments that are useful to you.  Don't use the comments that are not useful to you.  Never ever lecture members on what kind of feedback you want them to leave. 

Whether or not this is a 'serious' site, there are some things we do take very seriously.  

--Quix / Admin

[TranquillityBase]

im out of my element
is it  cuz im elevated ?
or is it the elephant
all up in the room - with my silver spoon
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom
instead of my heart and my mind living in  doom
in the middle my brain was expanded - was it the shrooms?
was it being the groom or the new dad in the room
or the only cracker sitting all up in the tomb
the only jew in a sea of christianity being consumed
they drink all they can handle i just wanna gamble
i live for the loss im sick of the boss im sly as a fox
i live for the box the one with no label
a sucker for surprises in high rises
searchin for bibles that have no titles
questions without answers
partners without dancers
stars without cancers
fortunes without tellers
houses without cellars
selling rain to umbrellas
im a buyer -long as theres no Sellers

 

I think it'd be improved if you kept up the longer thoughts, images, for the section I've highlighted, instead of reducing them to short phrases.

But I ejoyed the thick rhyme scheme and the randomness of your thoughts.

Is Sellers capitalized because it's a name?

[Mark A Becker]

Hello hh2-

"selling rain to umbrellas" is an interesting line.

all up in the room - with my silver spoon 
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom this line is not connected to lines before, or after
instead of my heart and my mind living in doom  this line is not connected to anything, either

Read the above lines to yourself and then consider what a reader is supposed to understand from them. 

Many of the rhymes seem disconnected from a cohesive subject: rhyming for the sake of rhyming makes it difficult for a reader to latch on to. 

The disjointed nature of this piece makes it very hard for this reader to make sense of.  Just as an exercise, eliminate the rhymes, and see what you're left with.

The capital "S" , "Sellers" seems to be a stretch for a dramatic ending, but the statement is confusing without prior context.

That's all a got, for now.
Mark   

[hebrewhammer2]

thansk for the feedback mark - this piece was written in response to my experience at a middle class suburban white bday party where i did not feel “ in my element” it reflects on my life , past and present experiences and how mish mashed they are

Currently i am : white , young, wealthy, sober , law abiding , a father and a husband

Im also : non christian , have spent time in jail, grew up poor , inmigrated here from a foreign country, not interested in football/ lawns/ drinking

while i have some intersection with the people at the party and in general with my “ demographics” im overall an outlier -

Im a young, rich, white male , non christian , non interested in standard white male interests in my demographic - and also not affected by the middle class struggles of trying to be above your pay grade, keeping up , etc

so a line like - I sit w my silver spoon up on the moon = im sitting above everyone currently - instead of my past when i was with the dirt being swept by the broom selling drugs in extreme poverty

my experience of not belonging continue ( the only cracker up in the tomb) speaks to being incarcerated with 90% black inmates -

it continues being jewish in the south surrounded by christians -
at the party everyone drinks im sober - i do love to gamble / play cards thats my vice

the rest speaks to my non belonging and wanting to belong to something i dont know something i have not found and maybe if i found it i would still yearn for the unknown ( im a buyer as long as theres no sellers) we want what we cant have ( the capitalization is an accident )

youre right it would be hard for a reader not knowing this background to know alot of this

thanks for the feedback and thoughtful comment

[Mark A Becker]

Hello hh2-

"selling rain to umbrellas" is an interesting line.

all up in the room - with my silver spoon 
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom this line is not connected to lines before, or after
instead of my heart and my mind living in doom  this line is not connected to anything, either

Read the above lines to yourself and then consider what a reader is supposed to understand from them. 

Many of the rhymes seem disconnected from a cohesive subject: rhyming for the sake of rhyming makes it difficult for a reader to latch on to. 

The disjointed nature of this piece makes it very hard for this reader to make sense of.  Just as an exercise, eliminate the rhymes, and see what you're left with.

The capital "S" , "Sellers" seems to be a stretch for a dramatic ending, but the statement is confusing without prior context.

That's all a got, for now.
Mark   

---

I still consider that some of the original rap lyrics came from none other than Bob Dylan, a couple million years ago.  His lyrics are dense with rhyming, and meaning. Check it out:

https://www.bobdylan.com/songs/its-alrig...-bleeding/

---

it would be hard for a reader not knowing this background to know alot of this

Hello again-

I think that you could work enough background into this one to make it a bit easier for the reader to follow.  Let the rhymes flow naturally, because trying to force them in works against you (and by extension, the reader).

I did understand that you were probably Jewish, and feeling out of place.  Don't let the rhymes dictate how you express yourself.

Mark

---

In the poem by Stanely Kunitz, linked below, the reader can sense his feelings of being an "outlier".  Without saying it outright, the reader understands that the boy's father isn't present. Though Kunitz wrote this as an old man, he provides enough background to give readers a feeling of how being fatherless impacted him, and his writing (very subtle, yet effective):
https://poetryarchive.org/poem/halleys-comet/

Or, this one:
https://poets.org/poem/portrait

[rowens]

im out of my element
is it  cuz im elevated ?


Neither higher or lower? Being higher is a trope, a show of self-respect and dignity in these style lyrics. 




or is it the elephant
all up in the room - with my silver spoon
as i sit on the moon


Higher elevated. 



instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom
instead of my heart and my mind living in  doom


Now the real picture. Assumed.



in the middle my brain was expanded - was it the shrooms?
was it being the groom or the new dad in the room


Growing up. 




or the only cracker sitting all up in the tomb
the only jew in a sea of christianity being consumed


Things people make up to make things more interesting. Old classic things. And then
People creating new and innovative things to get offended about. 







they drink all they can handle i just wanna gamble

Do you really want to gamble?


i live for the loss im sick of the boss im sly as a fox
i live for the box the one with no label
a sucker for surprises in high rises


I'm a sucker for surprises in high heels. 


searchin for bibles that have no titles

It's good that they have no titles. People will want to find a better choice than titles. Let them. 

questions without answers
partners without dancers

stars without cancers
This is typical of the autobiographical. 


fortunes without tellers
houses without cellars
selling rain to umbrellas
im a buyer -long as theres no Sellers

The ending roars off with more and more
And comes to a hopeless halt. A halt that says something. 
Happens in lots of things of this style.