Revenge - edit2

[dukealien]

Revenge


You cannot stop a pendulum:
let it bump into your hand
or catch it with your fingertips–

but when you must
let go it swings
again until, potential bled
away, it finds its motion-death.

Not on command; a pendulum
will have the final tock.

edit1;

You cannot stop a pendulum:
let it bump into your hand
or catch it with your fingertips–

but when you must let go it swings
again until, potential bled
away, it finds its motion-death.

Not on command; a pendulum
will have the final say.


original version;

Have you ever noticed that
you cannot stop a pendulum?
Oh, you can let it run into
your hand or even catch and hold
it, pinch it with your fingertips

yet you must finally let go
and it will swing back in again
a tiny bit past center ‘til,
all energy potential spent
on air or bearings, it will halt–

not stopped by you: a pendulum
will always have the final say.

[TranquillityBase]

I'm ignorant of science, but can you not stop it by holding it at its "fiinal say" until the energy is spent inside your hand?  Just asking.

____________________________________________________________________

I guess it's still having the final say, just inside your hand, as though you'd put you hand over someone's mouth while they are speaking, but they finish the sentence anyway.

[dukealien]

I'm ignorant of science, but can you not stop it by holding it at its "fiinal say" until the energy is spent inside your hand?  Just asking.

____________________________________________________________________

I guess it's still having the final say, just inside your hand, as though you'd put you hand over someone's mouth while they are speaking, but they finish the sentence anyway.

Thanks for the critique.  I need to make it clearer that motion continues after you remove your hand or release your fingers:  unless you were holding it exactly centered (impossible) there will be potential energy due to gravity, etc., which will result in movement.  If you move your hand away very, very slowly the pendulum will almost stop at dead center, but follow your hand just a smidgeon.

Any other critiques?

[Tiger the Lion]

I'm ignorant of science, but can you not stop it by holding it at its "fiinal say" until the energy is spent inside your hand?  Just asking.

____________________________________________________________________

I guess it's still having the final say, just inside your hand, as though you'd put you hand over someone's mouth while they are speaking, but they finish the sentence anyway.

Thanks for the critique.  I need to make it clearer that motion continues (it was clear enough for me on first read but you might find something more engaging than "a tiny bit past") maybe "a hair past" or "a smidgeon" since you use it for clarity in your explanation. after you remove your hand or release your fingers:  unless you were holding it exactly centered (impossible) there will be potential energy due to gravity, etc., which will result in movement.  If you move your hand away very, very slowly the pendulum will almost stop at dead center, but follow your hand just a smidgeon.

Any other critiques?

I like the idea of the pendulum having the final say. It's an interesting reminder that despite the genius of the human hand, it is after all, human, and hardly capable of discerning any sort of absolute zero. 

[TranquillityBase]

I'm ignorant of science, but can you not stop it by holding it at its "fiinal say" until the energy is spent inside your hand?  Just asking.

____________________________________________________________________

I guess it's still having the final say, just inside your hand, as though you'd put you hand over someone's mouth while they are speaking, but they finish the sentence anyway.

Duke, I did not mean to give the poem short shrift with my question.  Anyway, your and Tiger's responses have sunk in and I've reread it.  It''s a very conversational style, which makes me feel like Im hearing you tell me this....if that makes any sense.  Only line I stumble at is l. 3, 2nd stanza:"a tiny bit past center ‘til"  seems too infantile.

TqB

[busker]

Revenge


Have you ever noticed that
you cannot stop a pendulum?
Oh, you can let it run into
your hand or even catch and hold
it, pinch it with your fingertips

yet you must finally let go
and it will swing back in again
a tiny bit past center ‘til,
all energy potential spent
on air or bearings, it will halt–

not stopped by you: a pendulum
will always have the final say.

the lines in green I find a bit verbose
otherwise, I like the central idea of the poem, that the pendulum exacts a sort of revenge by not being subject to human control

[brynmawr1]

Revenge


Have you ever noticed that
you cannot stop a pendulum?               make this a statement
Oh, you can let it run into
your hand or even catch and hold            These three lines could also be cut but at least shortened.  
it, pinch it with your fingertips

yet you must finally let go
and it will swing back in again
a tiny bit past center ‘til,                           from reading your explanations it sounds like you are getting at the failings of humanity and how a pendulum will 
all energy potential spent                          take advantage of any finger twitch to get energy to move again, no?
on air or bearings, it will halt–

not stopped by you: a pendulum                   This could also be cut, I think.
will always have the final say.

I also like the concept under lying this poem.  I, again, agree that in parts it gets a little "explainy".  One exercise taught me by Mr. Baker that helps find the core of the poem is try to reduce it to as few lines as possible that still retain the heart of the poem and see what you are left with.  I tend to want to be too explicit and that has helped, maybe!
I've made some suggestions above. thanks.
bryn

[dukealien]

edit;


You cannot stop a pendulum:
let it bump into your hand
or catch it with your fingertips–

but when you must let go it swings
again until, potential bled
away, it finds its motion-death.

Not on command; a pendulum
will have the final say.

---

Sincere thanks to all critics.  In this edit I've tried to apply the advice, especially about compressing and removing filler (placed there by my meter hobgoblin... it's a pendulum, he says, so meter and structure must be regular, tick-tock).

I'm a bit bemused that no one caught the attempted symbolism (here strengthened, I hope) - per the title, the pendulum is acting out a feud or vendetta.  (Also, perhaps, a battle or campaign.)  Until the last Capulet or Montague has bled out, the Duke (no relation) can call down plagues on both houses until he's blue in the face.

Or, in a more modern context, the last Crip and the last Blood.

[busker]

edit;


You cannot stop a pendulum:
let it bump into your hand
or catch it with your fingertips–

but when you must let go it swings
again until, potential bled
away, it finds its motion-death.

Not on command; a pendulum
will have the final say.

---

Sincere thanks to all critics.  In this edit I've tried to apply the advice, especially about compressing and removing filler (placed there by my meter hobgoblin... it's a pendulum, he says, so meter and structure must be regular, tick-tock).

I'm a bit bemused that no one caught the attempted symbolism (here strengthened, I hope) - per the title, the pendulum is acting out a feud or vendetta.  (Also, perhaps, a battle or campaign.)  Until the last Capulet or Montague has bled out, the Duke (no relation) can call down plagues on both houses until he's blue in the face.

Or, in a more modern context, the last Crip and the last Blood.

Ah - not just the pendulum's revenge, but revenge itself as a pendulum. Nice.

[Savvi]

Revenge


You cannot stop a pendulum:
let it bump into your hand
or catch it with your fingertips– nice set up ok i'm in

but when you must let go it swings this line is too long suggest edit..but let go and it swings
again until, potential bled 
away, it finds its motion-death. I like motion-death and the energy bleed out

Not on command; a pendulum
will have the final say. final say ?? is it cliche, feels a bit weak  

I like the title it implies there is more going on than stored energy in a pendulum and I guess the end line is a nod to that as well. I enjoyed the ideas and the detail of the poem, I have added a few comments for your consideration. Savvi

[dukealien]

edit2;

You cannot stop a pendulum:
let it bump into your hand
or catch it with your fingertips–

but when you must
let go it swings
again until, potential bled
away, it finds its motion-death.

Not on command; a pendulum
will have the final tock.

---

@Savvi - good critique, you are definitely correct about the cliche last line, and it doesn't hurt to break up L4 - the second stanza has a better swing this way.

Thanks! 

Revenge


You cannot stop a pendulum:
let it bump into your hand
or catch it with your fingertips– nice set up ok i'm in

but when you must let go it swings this line is too long suggest edit..but let go and it swings
again until, potential bled 
away, it finds its motion-death. I like motion-death and the energy bleed out

Not on command; a pendulum
will have the final say. final say ?? is it cliche, feels a bit weak  

I like the title it implies there is more going on than stored energy in a pendulum and I guess the end line is a nod to that as well. I enjoyed the ideas and the detail of the poem, I have added a few comments for your consideration. Savvi