Black, crisscrossed scars on white concrete,
occult geometry of intersected lives.
Tire squeals echoing in the ether
find my gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken?
Futures shattered, lives inflected?
Or was the violence only of words?
Impotent curses spluttered from clenched jaws.
Black lines on the road
keep their secrets.
Black, crisscross lines scar the white concrete,
arranged in unnatural angles of violence.
Geometric evidence of lives intersected.
Squealing tires echoing in the ether,
not heard by the living, still felt in the gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken;
lives shattered with the windshield,
a mosaic of infinite shimmering shards,
suspended in stopped time, an inflection,
never to be the same?
Or was the violence only of words?
Curses made at each other and the universe,
the anger of inconvenience.
Plans made the only thing broken.
Black crisscrossed lines on the road
keep their secrets,
leaving us to wonder.
Most recent edit. I like both versions. Stark vs elaborate.
(05-25-2022, 04:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Black, crisscross lines scar the white concrete, Is this about concrete (as in a parking lot) or a road (as mentioned in last stanza) which would be asphalt and not white?
arranged in unnatural angles of violence. Cant' those cracks also (more often) result from weathering and time? From the thousands of everyday crossings?
Geometric evidence of lives intersected.
Squealing tires echoing in the ether,
not heard by the living, still felt in the gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken;
lives shattered with the windshield,
a mosaic of infinite shimmering shards,
suspended in stopped time, an inflection, never to be the same?this is too cliche for the end of such a powerful stanza
Or was the violence only of words?
Curses made at each other and the universe, "unknown others and the unknowable universe" (putting words in your mouth....sorry...just a thought)
the anger of inconvenience.
Plans made the only thing broken.
Black crisscrossed lines on the road
keep their secrets, leaving us to wonder.
I don't have a title for this one yet.
While what you've written here is very vivid, and connects nicely back to the opening stanza, I wanted a stanza about how time and ordinary traffic would create these which could then lead into you pondering on the cracks that occured in wrecks and road rage. Or lead into such a stanza at the end, wouldn't change the ending. Maybe I'm being too pedestrian (no pun intended) but when I look at a weathered, worn down road, unless there are skid marks, broken glass, etc. I would not think first of mayhem.
Barring that, you might mention skid marks and glass along with the cracks in the opening and my stumble would be solved.
I'd end it with "keep their secrets", at least as it stands now.
TqB
Though you didn't ask, "Fracture" might be a good title
05-25-2022, 10:24 AM (This post was last modified: 05-25-2022, 10:59 AM by brynmawr1.)
(05-25-2022, 05:59 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Bryn-
Without changing a word, all I have is subtraction, and an arrangement in 4 quasi-couplets:
Black lines scar white
concrete, in angles.
Evidence
of lives intersected.
Squealing tires
felt in the gut.
Was the violence only of words?
Lines on the road keep secrets.
Hi Mark,
You've found my bones and left little meat! I am going to try to rebuild a leaner poem on your scaffold. Thank you for you insight!
bryn
(05-25-2022, 08:57 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:
(05-25-2022, 04:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Black, crisscross lines scar the white concrete, Is this about concrete (as in a parking lot) or a road (as mentioned in last stanza) which would be asphalt and not white?
arranged in unnatural angles of violence. Cant' those cracks also (more often) result from weathering and time? From the thousands of everyday crossings?
Geometric evidence of lives intersected.
Squealing tires echoing in the ether,
not heard by the living, still felt in the gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken;
lives shattered with the windshield,
a mosaic of infinite shimmering shards,
suspended in stopped time, an inflection, never to be the same?this is too cliche for the end of such a powerful stanza
Or was the violence only of words?
Curses made at each other and the universe, "unknown others and the unknowable universe" (putting words in your mouth....sorry...just a thought)
the anger of inconvenience. referring to the unknown people involved in the cause of the skid marks cursing each other and fate.
Plans made the only thing broken.
Black crisscrossed lines on the road
keep their secrets, leaving us to wonder.
I don't have a title for this one yet.
While what you've written here is very vivid, and connects nicely back to the opening stanza, I wanted a stanza about how time and ordinary traffic would create these which could then lead into you pondering on the cracks that occured in wrecks and road rage. Or lead into such a stanza at the end, wouldn't change the ending. Maybe I'm being too pedestrian (no pun intended) but when I look at a weathered, worn down road, unless there are skid marks, broken glass, etc. I would not think first of mayhem.
Barring that, you might mention skid marks and glass along with the cracks in the opening and my stumble would be solved. One idea I was thinking of bringing in is the sterility of the scene after everything is cleaned up, the quiet after the violence, a sense of the juxtaposition.
I'd end it with "keep their secrets", at least as it stands now. No one seems to like my wonder verse. I just like the sound of it.
TqB
Though you didn't ask, "Fracture" might be a good title
Hi TqB,
A little background. I got the idea as I was driving home and saw a bunch of crisscrossed skid marks on the road, as I have many times. I have always wondered what the story behind these marks might be. So not cracks. This time I figured I would write a little poem about it. The road was a freeway that happened to be concrete. The second stanza comes from my own experience when I hit another car at an intersection. I have a vivid memory of all the windows of the car exploding and how the glass seemed to hover in the air in that moment when time slows to nothing like the instantaneous moment when a pendulum reverses course, hence the reference to an inflection. To whittle and hone, a fool's errand, it is all we have!
Thanks TqB
(05-25-2022, 04:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Driving home from hockey I see
black, crisscrossed scars on white concrete,
arranged at unnatural angles
revealing the geometry of intersected lives.
The tire squeals echo in the ether,
no longer heard by the living,
still felt in my gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken?
Futures shattered with the windshield,
a mosaic of infinite shimmering shards,
suspended in stopped time, lives inflected.
Or was the violence only of words?
Curses made at each other, fate;
an anger of inconvenience,
only promises broken.
Black lines on the road
have their secrets,
leaving me to wonder.
In mild critique and looking only at the first revision, I have only a few suggestions.
First, you nicely avoid "the" except at the beginning of your second stanza. It's not bad there - you are referring to specific skid marks. But might it not be better to remove it entirely (breaking suddenly into speculation) or perhaps replace it with "Their" to tie them to the marks?
Similarly, "the" at the end of your first stanza might be changed to "a" or something descriptive - "stark," for example. ("[T]he ether" is fine, there's only one.)
After your explanation I can understand "promises broken," but without that context it's a bit problematic. I'd put "conventions" rather than "promises" (right of way, obeying signals and other limits). In the same stanza, "made" (in "Curses made") could be a bit more descriptive and active - "breathed" or "growled," but better?
And the last stanza, if this is not too far for moderate, needs a little more punch. "[H]ave" for example, could be "hold" or even "flaunt;" alternatively (and please pardon the rewrite) the whole second line could be removed and the last changed leaving something like, "Black lines on my road/leave me to wonder."
It's a good concept, and already quite strong. The above are suggestions only.
(05-25-2022, 04:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Driving home from hockey I see
black, crisscrossed scars on white concrete,
arranged at unnatural angles
revealing the geometry of intersected lives.
The tire squeals echo in the ether,
no longer heard by the living,
still felt in my gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken?
Futures shattered with the windshield,
a mosaic of infinite shimmering shards,
suspended in stopped time, lives inflected.
Or was the violence only of words?
Curses made at each other, fate;
an anger of inconvenience,
only promises broken.
Black lines on the road
have their secrets,
leaving me to wonder.
In mild critique and looking only at the first revision, I have only a few suggestions.
First, you nicely avoid "the" except at the beginning of your second stanza. It's not bad there - you are referring to specific skid marks. But might it not be better to remove it entirely (breaking suddenly into speculation) or perhaps replace it with "Their" to tie them to the marks?
Similarly, "the" at the end of your first stanza might be changed to "a" or something descriptive - "stark," for example. ("[T]he ether" is fine, there's only one.)
After your explanation I can understand "promises broken," but without that context it's a bit problematic. I'd put "conventions" rather than "promises" (right of way, obeying signals and other limits). In the same stanza, "made" (in "Curses made") could be a bit more descriptive and active - "breathed" or "growled," but better?
And the last stanza, if this is not too far for moderate, needs a little more punch. "[H]ave" for example, could be "hold" or even "flaunt;" alternatively (and please pardon the rewrite) the whole second line could be removed and the last changed leaving something like, "Black lines on my road/leave me to wonder."
It's a good concept, and already quite strong. The above are suggestions only.
Duke,
thank you for all of your suggestions. The "promises broken" line was originally going to be "plans made the only thing broken" which now I think works better but it seemed too wordy at the time. The last stanza has been a bit of a sticky wicket. I really like the "wonder" ending but there is "punch" in ending with "The lines keep their secrets" leaving the reader to do the wondering. I feel like both work for different reasons. Regarding the depth of your critique, don't be shy. I only put it in this forum because I'm not sure the poem itself is worthy of other forums. I guess my skill as a writer is also a limiting factor! I will make edits. Please provide further suggestions.
I greatly appreciate your time and insights,
bryn
Hello, I think this poem has a clear concept that it emerges from, and its an interesting one.. What are the stories of the tire marks on the road... a sort of indexical mark. I also like the direction the edit went in, the first version felt a little cluttered, that said, id try again! I kind of lost interest when it hit the rhetorical questions in the third and fourth stanza. I think the first version of the poem has enough interesting images for a poem, just a matter of where to trim. There is something epic about the writting? Epic may not be the right word, but it reminds me of lyrics in a Metal song. It could be cool, but it also could obfuscate. Just my two cents of course. I could read a whole poem just describing the patterns of tire marks on the road. The opening stanza is my favorite.
(05-25-2022, 04:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Black, crisscrossed scars on white concrete,
occult geometry of intersected lives. I like these opening lines, its an interesting point of view. If I nitpick, I feel the opening line could do with one less adjective.... maybe you could omit white. I get the image of occult geometry, but feel "occult" isn't the strongest word here, I don't have a follow up suggestion .... something more evocative
Tire squeals echoing in the ether
find my gut. great line
Was metal, bone rent and broken?
Futures shattered, lives inflected?
Or was the violence only of words? Slightly awkward syntax
Impotent curses spluttered from clenched jaws.
Black lines on the road
keep their secrets.
Black, crisscross lines scar the white concrete,
arranged in unnatural angles of violence.
Geometric evidence of lives intersected.
Squealing tires echoing in the ether,
not heard by the living, still felt in the gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken;
lives shattered with the windshield,
a mosaic of infinite shimmering shards,
suspended in stopped time, an inflection,
never to be the same?
Or was the violence only of words?
Curses made at each other and the universe,
the anger of inconvenience.
Plans made the only thing broken.
Black crisscrossed lines on the road
keep their secrets,
leaving us to wonder.
Most recent edit. I like both versions. Stark vs elaborate.
(06-05-2022, 04:10 PM)Miley Wrote: Hello, I think this poem has a clear concept that it emerges from, and its an interesting one.. What are the stories of the tire marks on the road... a sort of indexical mark. I also like the direction the edit went in, the first version felt a little cluttered, that said, id try again! I kind of lost interest when it hit the rhetorical questions in the third and fourth stanza. I think the first version of the poem has enough interesting images for a poem, just a matter of where to trim. There is something epic about the writting? Epic may not be the right word, but it reminds me of lyrics in a Metal song. It could be cool, but it also could obfuscate. Just my two cents of course. I could read a whole poem just describing the patterns of tire marks on the road. The opening stanza is my favorite.
(05-25-2022, 04:06 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Black, crisscrossed scars on white concrete,
occult geometry of intersected lives. I like these opening lines, its an interesting point of view. If I nitpick, I feel the opening line could do with one less adjective.... maybe you could omit white. I get the image of occult geometry, but feel "occult" isn't the strongest word here, I don't have a follow up suggestion .... something more evocative
Tire squeals echoing in the ether
find my gut. great line
Was metal, bone rent and broken?
Futures shattered, lives inflected?
Or was the violence only of words? Slightly awkward syntax
Impotent curses spluttered from clenched jaws.
Black lines on the road
keep their secrets.
Black, crisscross lines scar the white concrete,
arranged in unnatural angles of violence.
Geometric evidence of lives intersected.
Squealing tires echoing in the ether,
not heard by the living, still felt in the gut.
Was metal, bone rent and broken;
lives shattered with the windshield,
a mosaic of infinite shimmering shards,
suspended in stopped time, an inflection,
never to be the same?
Or was the violence only of words?
Curses made at each other and the universe,
the anger of inconvenience.
Plans made the only thing broken.
Black crisscrossed lines on the road
keep their secrets,
leaving us to wonder.
Most recent edit. I like both versions. Stark vs elaborate.
Hi Miley,
Thanks again for stopping by to read and comment. I see what you mean about the rhetorical questions being a bit much. I'll take another look and try to rework it.
best,
bryn
this is a piece thats hard to critique - the meaning is yours to exude and accept -
the only line i didnt follow was -
“ bone rent and broken” I think youre in this space of conceptual play around road, cars, accidents, life and how it passes on the road ( with or without incident) the wording just wasnt familiar to me - takes away from the piece as it leaves me going “ was that on purpose or am i missing a deeper meaning “
Other wise a really nice piece which im sure means more to you then I can imagine -
(06-11-2022, 11:44 AM)hebrewhammer2 Wrote: this is a piece thats hard to critique - the meaning is yours to exude and accept -
the only line i didnt follow was -
“ bone rent and broken” I think youre in this space of conceptual play around road, cars, accidents, life and how it passes on the road ( with or without incident) the wording just wasnt familiar to me - takes away from the piece as it leaves me going “ was that on purpose or am i missing a deeper meaning “
Other wise a really nice piece which im sure means more to you then I can imagine -
Hi HH2,
Welcome to the site and thanks for commenting. Your interpretation is correct. The line you are referring to might be more clear if I had put "...metal and bone, rent and broken, respectively?" but that doesn't read very well. Did you read the previous version? It is a little more explicit.
but that doesn't read very well. Did you read the previous version? It is a little more explicit.