Solar furies perch upon my shoulders as my past life plays out transfigured into nameless sins in the sunlit isolation of noon.
The dust of my predicate soul stirs of its own accord leaving no traces except fearful reliefs distinct and disapproved.
I want to submit to an implausible God who watches over my confusion, One who counts my locked steps in a circular path of infinite distance while I anticipate a final vision that submerges me in His Presence.
But God departs and evening comes and a twilit peace scatters the furies. Night descends to mark His Absence. In sleep I walk with dreams of daylight sprites, freed from His implacable Prison. Will I be forgiven the starlight doubts in my unhoused brain?
Unconscious morning marks the moment where the simplicity of waking returns me to my double self, another day on the verge of discovering divinity.
I await with dread the post meridian.
Afternoons of an Agnostic
Noon-time, and solar furies
perch upon my shoulders
as my past life plays out
realized as nameless sins.
Sunlit isolation lays heavy
on the void inside my chest
and the dust in my predicated soul stirs
of its own accord, leaving no traces
except caged reliefs
distinct and disapproved.
I surrender my sins to an impossible God
who watches over my dissolution.
He counts my steps
in a circular path of infinite distance
as I wait for a final cry
to be strangled by His Presence.
Evening will come as God departs,
a twilit peace scatters the furies
and shadows disguise my failures.
Night comes with His Absence,
and in sleep I walk into dreams
of daylight sprites, freed from His prison,
who forgive the starlight of my unhoused brain.
Unconscious morning marks the moment
where the simplicity of waking
returns me to my doubtless self
on the verge of discovering divinity.
I await with dread the post meridian.
version 1
At noon, solar furies perch upon my shoulders
as past lives play out their mistakes
transformed into sin.
Sunlit isolation, absent any shade,
lays heavy on the black muscle of my voided heart
and the dust in my biblical soul stirs
of its own accord, leaving no traces
except disappearance and caged reliefs
distinct and disapproved.
I apply my memories to an invisible God
who watches over my dissolution.
He accounts for my every move,
circular steps in a prison yard of infinite distance
measured out in years of waiting for the final cry
strangled in my throat by his Presence.
Evening will come and with it
twilight peace will replace the furies as God departs
(05-17-2022, 06:30 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: At noon, solar furies perch upon my shoulders as past lives play out their mistakes transformed into sin. "by", I know it is more expected but....
Sunlit isolation, absent any shade, lays heavy on the black muscle of my voided heart. and the dust in my biblical soul stirs of its own accord, leaving no traces except disappearance and caged reliefs distinct and disapproved.
I apply my memories to an invisible God who watches over my dissolution. He accounts for my every move, I feel like you could do more here circular steps in a prison yard of infinite distance maybe try to use the circular metaphor to convey the idea of infinity measured out in years of waiting.for/ the final cry "my sentence measured" I guess you can keep the line break for the rhythm. strangled in my throat by his Presence.
Evening will come,and with it twilight peace will replaceing the furies as God departs, and darknesswill filling my creviced failures. could also do "filling my creviced failures with darkness" Promised sleep will wake in dream and daylight sprites, loosed from their box, will make starlight inside my unhoused brain.
Unconscious morning marks the moment where the simplicity of waking returns me to my solitary self, on the verge of discovering divinity. andagain I await with dread the post meridian.
Nice poem, as usual. My only suggestions are really about tightening up the wording. Thanks for sharing.
Here goes again, just typed out my reply and then my connection vanished -- fingers crossed for take two.
Hi Tim, I'm struggling with this one a little bit, although it may just be me, you have some excellent lines and images but it's just the overall meaning and concept that I suppose I'm not quite grasping fully. I've left a few notes below.
My first suggestion would be to include the title on the same page as the poem, I read it a couple of times before I clicked on with the title and seeing as though the title adds so much then it would be a shame if others made the same mistake.
(05-17-2022, 06:30 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: At noon, solar furies perch upon my shoulders as past lives play out their mistakes transformed into sin. - I like the opening stanza although I find myself at odds with the idea of an atheist believing in reincarnation - I suppose it's not impossible but surely to an atheist the end of life is the end?
Sunlit isolation, absent any shade, - awkward line -- could 'any' be replaced with 'of' lays heavy on the black muscle of my voided heart and the dust in my biblical soul stirs - good lines and imagery of its own accord, leaving no traces except disappearance and caged reliefs - is 'disappearance' redundant considering the 'leaving no traces' above distinct and disapproved. - this seems awkward could it read better as
leaving no traces except disapproved and distinct caged reliefs
I apply my memories to an invisible God who watches over my dissolution. He accounts for my every move, circular steps in a prison yard of infinite distance - 'circular steps' brings to mind stairs that are circular -- I googled it and they came up with the same -- 'walking in circles in a...' or something similar would convey your thoughts better measured out in years of waiting for the final cry strangled in my throat by his Presence. - to keep the theme going then perhaps 'his' should be capitilised although a conscious thought towards not capitilising god and such might work in a poem about an atheist
Evening will come and with it twilight peace will replace the furies as God departs and dark will fill my creviced failures. - 'creviced' seems an out of place word choice Promised sleep will wake in dream - 'promised' ? and daylight sprites, loosed from their box, - could 'loosed' be 'freed' will make starlight inside my unhoused brain. good line
Unconscious morning marks the moment where the simplicity of waking returns me to my solitary self, on the verge of discovering divinity and again I await with dread the post meridian. - good final stanza
I enjoyed reading and trying to work it out. In fact the more I read it the more I understand it... so?? Hope that this is of some help.
I have new notes after reading some more. though most still apply.
(05-17-2022, 06:30 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: At noon, solar furies perch upon my shoulders as past lives play out their mistakes transformed into sin. realized now as sin.
Sunlit isolation, absent any shade, like the of suggestion lays heavy on the black muscle of my voided heart and the dust in my biblical soul stirs here i think you are referring to some spiritual awakening beginning. How about "My soul shakes off its dust of it own accord"? of its own accord, distinct and disapproved. leaving no traces
I apply my memories to an invisible God present or submit who watches over my dissolution. He accounts for my every move, all seeing? circular steps in a prison yard of infinite distance my previous suggestions still stand here measured out in years of waiting for the final cry strangled in my throat by his Presence.
Evening will come and with it twilight peace will replace the furies as God departs and dark will fill my creviced failures. Promised sleep will wake in dream now a little confused by this as it reads like the narrator has now refused god but getting a mixed message. poor interpretation by me? and daylight sprites, loosed from their box, will make starlight inside my unhoused brain.
Unconscious morning marks the moment where the simplicity of waking returns me to my solitary self, on the verge of discovering divinity and again I await with dread the post meridian.
I would like you to try to bring out the atheist in the face of god theme a little more/clearer. Looking forward to the edit!
Thanks Brynmawr and AR. Your comments were very helpful and I tried to incorporate most of them, although as I edited, as always happens to me, a lot of new stuff crept in.
Revision posted.
I backed off the Atheist and changed it to Agnostic.
(05-17-2022, 06:30 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Afternoons of an Agnostic
Noon-time, and solar furies perch upon my shoulders as my past life plays out realized as nameless sins. vignettes of nameless sin." Going for the "life flashing before your eyes" image.
Sunlit isolation lays heavy on the void inside my chest. and The dust in my predicated soul stirs maybe? of its own accord, leaving no traces except caged reliefs distinct and disapproved.
I surrender my sins to an impossible God who watches over my dissolution. He counts my steps in a circular path of infinite distance as I wait for a final cry to be strangled by His Presence. In?
Evening will come as God departs, a twilit peace scatters the furies and shadows disguise my failures. Night comes with His Absence, and in sleep I walk into dreams of daylight sprites, freed from His prison, who forgive the starlight of my unhoused brain. forgiven
Unconscious morning marks the moment where the simplicity of waking returns me to my doubtless self like the ending. could consider changing punctuation "...doubtless self. On the verge....divinity, I await..." on the verge of discovering divinity. I await with dread the post meridian.
At noon, solar furies perch upon my shoulders
as past lives play out their mistakes
transformed into sin.
Sunlit isolation, absent any shade,
lays heavy on the black muscle of my voided heart
and the dust in my biblical soul stirs
of its own accord, leaving no traces
except disappearance and caged reliefs
distinct and disapproved.
I apply my memories to an invisible God
who watches over my dissolution.
He accounts for my every move,
circular steps in a prison yard of infinite distance
measured out in years of waiting for the final cry
strangled in my throat by his Presence.
Evening will come and with it
twilight peace will replace the furies as God departs
and dark will fill my creviced failures.
Promised sleep will wake in dream
and daylight sprites, loosed from their box,
will make starlight inside my unhoused brain.
Unconscious morning marks the moment
where the simplicity of waking
returns me to my solitary self,
on the verge of discovering divinity
and again I await with dread the post meridian.
Hi Tranq
very nice evolution! I have only a few tweaks to offer. My only other general suggestion would be to read it through thinking about punctuation and flow. I felt there where too many "ands" and "as" creating a runon sentence effect. Really like this.
bryn
05-20-2022, 10:27 PM (This post was last modified: 05-20-2022, 10:29 PM by TranquillityBase.)
Thanks Bryn. I took to heart your comment about too man "and"s and "as"s. As always new lines and word choices occurred to me, and I tried to make it more clear with a few cuts.
Thanks for sticking with me.
Tim
(05-20-2022, 03:04 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: Good edit Tim.
That title change is perfect, it has solved a lot of issues, simple and effective.
(05-17-2022, 06:30 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Afternoons of an Agnostic
Solar furies perch upon my shoulders. as My past life plays out transfigured into nameless sins in the sunlit isolation of noon.
The dust of my predicate soul stirs of its own accord leaving no traces except fearful reliefs distinct and disapproved.
I want to submit to an implausible God who watches over my confusion, One who counts my locked steps in a circular path of infinite distance while I anticipate a final vision that submerges me in His Presence.
But God departs and evening comes, and a twilit peace scatters the furies. Night descends to mark His Absence. I feel like this is a little unnecessary. In sleep I walk with dreams of daylight sprites, freed from His implacable Prison. Will I be forgiven the starlight doubts in my unhoused brain?
Unconscious morning marks the moment where the simplicity of waking returns me to my double self, I liked the doubtless, or even better doubtful self another day on the verge of discovering divinity.
I await with dread the post meridian.
I like it! Only a couple tweaks, those pesky conjunctions! Nice work!
Afternoons of an Agnostic
Noon-time, and solar furies
perch upon my shoulders
as my past life plays out
realized as nameless sins.
Sunlit isolation lays heavy
on the void inside my chest
and the dust in my predicated soul stirs
of its own accord, leaving no traces
except caged reliefs
distinct and disapproved.
I surrender my sins to an impossible God
who watches over my dissolution.
He counts my steps
in a circular path of infinite distance
as I wait for a final cry
to be strangled by His Presence.
Evening will come as God departs,
a twilit peace scatters the furies
and shadows disguise my failures.
Night comes with His Absence,
and in sleep I walk into dreams
of daylight sprites, freed from His prison,
who forgive the starlight of my unhoused brain.
Unconscious morning marks the moment
where the simplicity of waking
returns me to my doubtless self
on the verge of discovering divinity.
I await with dread the post meridian.
version 1
At noon, solar furies perch upon my shoulders
as past lives play out their mistakes
transformed into sin.
Sunlit isolation, absent any shade,
lays heavy on the black muscle of my voided heart
and the dust in my biblical soul stirs
of its own accord, leaving no traces
except disappearance and caged reliefs
distinct and disapproved.
I apply my memories to an invisible God
who watches over my dissolution.
He accounts for my every move,
circular steps in a prison yard of infinite distance
measured out in years of waiting for the final cry
strangled in my throat by his Presence.
Evening will come and with it
twilight peace will replace the furies as God departs
wae aye man ye radgie